A Note from A Stranger Whose Heart Has Shattered

Now that I have my own company and am engaged in my own social media, I receive requests to connect from people whom I’ve never met.  If we have common friends/colleagues, I’ll accept but sometimes I receive a request from people with whom I have no connection whatsoever.  I just received one from a man who told me that he has given up on relationships.  I encouraged him to become a fan of my page and/or to subscribe to www.bouncebacktolife.com since it could help his heartache and is also a place where I may be able to communicate with him.

It was 5:00 a.m. when I received this note. I don’t know where this man lives but I know he’s in his late 30’s.  As I was working I started to wonder, “What has this man gone through to completely throw in the towel on having a relationship?”

I’ve just started reading a book on the relationship of self to love, and love to relationships.  It’s highly spiritual and just writing those words does not give those words the justice they deserve.  In the end, if you’ve truly given yourself the freedom to let go of your ego, self is love and no actions are performed by self without love.  To not love is to not be human.  So, is this man incapable of being in touch with his self and ultimately love and therefore not human?

I’ll bring this outside of the context of the book to try to make some sense of it all because it is an uncommon concept to grasp.  When pain is received (intentional or not) by someone we love, it sticks with us by becoming a wound within us.  We can choose to heal that wound or let it scar us for life.  Whether it is something major like a parent who left when we were a child, a sibling who passed, or something a bit less severe like a teacher who ridiculed us or a lover who put us down doesn’t matter.  These were all people we cared for and they hurt us. When you heal the wounds through whatever means work for you, I know and have experienced that when you think of those times when you used to hurt, you will no longer feel the pain.  

However, many people hold on to the pain throughout their lives.  Think of your spirit, your heart, your soul or whatever you want to call it as a beautiful glass vase that is meant to be filled with water, a symbol for love in this analogy.  So each pain you receive becomes a crack in that vase.  Maybe some of the water starts to leak onto the surface it’s sitting on.  Maybe you notice this and repair the crack or you let a little water leak because “it’s not that much anyway”.  As life goes on, your vase cracks in another spot, and another and pretty soon, if you don’t do something to repair these cracks this vase will shatter.   All of the water contained within will spill all over the floor.  

I think that is what has happened to this stranger.  He’s let his vase shatter and now he’s trying to hold on to what little water is left in it’s base.  It is our own responsibility to repair our own cracks in our spirit, to retain the love that was given to each of us when we were brought into this world and to let the love that is bestowed upon us to be collected.  I can only hope he still believes in the love he has left within himself to repair his pain and truly find his happiness.  For without this, he will not be able to have the relationships he so desires.

Thinking You Know What You Want Vs. Really Knowing What You Want

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact."  


What I find in working with clients is that they think they already know exactly what they want and sometimes, this creates a little skepticism within my client on exactly how I'm going to be able to help them.  For example, as we discuss what it is they want from a relationship versus what they had or have in a relationship, we really begin to see what it is they truly want and what they need to get it.  I tend to notice this before my clients.  This is because I'm coming from an objective perspective, with no motive except to help my client find what it is they want.  I do not tell them, "Hey, do you know you just said what you want?" because in most cases, they're not finished working through what is happening to them right now.  They still need to talk about their pain, frustrations, or transgressions in order to see what they really want.  I don't want to interrupt that exploration process for my clients and this is a huge difference between what I do and what a therapist, consultant or other coaches may do.  I exhibit patience that allows you the freedom to speak and be heard and help you come to substantiated conclusions.

Relationship Recovery

The end of a romantic relationship is rarely an enjoyable experience, even if the relationship caused pain.   This is because so much changes in our day-to-day lives afterwards, it's hard to not get caught up in thoughts of our previous loved one.  Everyday reminders such as a song on the radio, a restaurant, a photo or an outfit in our closet keeps pulling our heart strings into memory land and can really throw us for a loop if we don't know how to react.  I like to think of relationship recovery as "restocking your relationship bank" with the assets gained because of the relationship experience, assets lost because of the relationship and what you banked after the relationship ended.

Several clients of mine recently ended romantic relationships yet they're experiencing difficulty getting over them.  Even when they say they're ready to move on, I receive an SOS text, e-mail or phone call about how much they miss their former love.  It is not successful coaching to just provide advice but I do like to offer an exercise that takes into account what is gained or lost by being in the relationship versus being out of it.  A few of my clients have come to realize they're better off without that person in their life and that it is okay to get a little sentimental and miss someone.

Do not ignore your feelings.  Be with them.  If you need to cry, do so.  If you need to shout, do so.  Do not text, e-mail, call or run back into someone's arms when you're feeling emotionally charged.  If you're finding that you're unable to move forward in new relationships because this "one" is holding you back, this is something we can work on overcoming together through coaching.  It is possible to move on!