Redefining Relationship Roles

I’m reading a really great book entitled “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which I still haven’t read.  I chose to read her latest book because it deals with her apprehension with getting married a second time.  It’s a great read for anyone who wants to be married or is married for the first, second, third or umpteenth time.  Many of the lessons she imparts are certainly ones I’ve learned in my soon-to-be 10 years of marriage but I believe many of these things are not taught or passed on from others who have happy marriages.  I also think people hide behind the facade of a happy marriage when something drastic is really missing from it.  I highly suggest this read for anyone who wants to understand where their marriage is, has gone wrong or to prevent any misfortune including divorce.  It also gives a nice perspective on how devastating divorce is and reminded me of a previously referenced article on how it’s not all that great for the parties involved.  

I have found it has helped me articulate my own changing definition of marriage and the relationship I maintain with it and how it influences the relationship with my husband.  I certainly do not define it in the same way as I did when I got married and even as recently as a few months ago.  What has stuck with me most of all is something that I had already had conversations about in the past:  marriage, until quite recently, has never been something we choose out of love.  It was often something that chose us due to our familial affiliation, cultural role or functional purpose due to our gender.  

To ask of our spouse to be our confidant, our best friend, our lover, our love and our partner in life is a big responsibility for any one person to live up to.  It is no wonder divorce has prevailed in half of all marriages.  Many of us married under incorrect assumptions of what our marriage should be.  I’m not saying marriage becomes this cold, loveless union but quite the opposite.  It becomes a loving, tender, caring, supportive bond with another individual.   One should consider what love is versus what being in love is.  Love is caring for someone when illness steals away any memories of your spouse knowing who you are.  Love is carrying a frail body from the bathtub to the bed.  Love is reteaching someone to walk or to talk.  It is always supporting, always loving (without conditions) and always being willing to give up some prideful ego in the process.  Love transcends time, location, age, race, sexual orientation and human error.  So when two people marry, somehow they mistake being “in love” as love and when that fades (which it will), they think they can’t be married any longer.  This is why gay marriage is no different than straight marriage.  Marriage has nothing to do with religion, making babies or being in love but it has everything to do with partnership and love.

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

Applying Chinese Philosophy to the My Relationships with Cities

I’m from the Midwest so I’m not married to either coast.  I could basically live anywhere and kind find the pros and cons in everything.  This can be kind of annoying for my family and friends who have watched me hop around the country the past 13 years.  To me, it’s fun and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  For those who may not know me well, after college I moved to LA, White Plains (NY), Stamford (CT), St. Louis, Chicago, Jersey City, Newburgh (NY), LA and Palm Springs (CA).  Exhausted?

I’m currently living in the west but no longer along the coastal area of LA but rather in the midst of the desert.  I love the desert for it’s wonderful quality of light, clear blue skies, slow pace, clean air, mineral water, ample amounts of natural vitamin D, locally grown citrus, beautiful mountain vistas, expansive starry arrays at night, ease of getting to the ocean or the ski slopes and guaranteed nice weather 350 days a year.  

So, you may ask why I’m spending at least 21 days in Manhattan when spring has not even sprung.  Well, what I love about Manhattan are the organized chaos, the constant motion and steady pulse of city life, an abundance of things to do, countless people to meet, places to explore and dreams to be fulfilled.   That’s what this place is all about.  I unfortunately, have never lived in Manhattan and only worked within it.  I would stay and visit, come in on weekends or days off but it’s just not the same. I can say with the four days I’ve spent within in so far I finally get it.  I want to live here, too.

Now, this will be sending my friends and family into “uh oh, here we go again,” mode.  Don’t fret.  I’m not moving anything right now.  What I am considering is what I love about each of these geographical areas and how to make them work together.  Walking along the East River, I figured it out.  There is a Yin and Yang to our country that pulls me to both places.

For those who are not very familiar with Chinese philosophy, I’ll explain this to you rather simply as I learned by a Tai Chi instructor.  Yin and Yang energy exist within everything.  Yin energy is calm, wet, clammy and female.  This does not mean it only exists in females because it exists in all of us.  Yang energy is hot, fast, dry and male.  Again, this is within us all.  What happens to us when either energy is out of balance is that we behave in ways which are not productive.  Neither energy is bad or better than the other.  They just are.  They are only bad if one starts to dominate the other because they must remain balanced.

I’ll create an example for illustrative purposes.  Who I am is made of Yin and Yang energy.  If I have too much Yin energy I may become too calm which may lead me to be lethargic, tired and maybe in extreme cases lazy or depressed.  So, I have to rebalance this energy with more Yang energy.  However, if I become to Yang, I may become agitated, short-tempered, and in extreme cases aggressive.  This is why the practice of Tai Chi is so valuable.  It is a natural way to rebalance the energy, or Qi (pronounced chi) within ourselves.

But back to my point which is discussing the Yin and Yang of our country.  I’ve lived a total of seven years on the east coast and a little over three years on the west coast (and for those who didn’t count, I’ve lived in nice places the past 13 years).  My conclusion is that as a whole, the west coast tends to have more Yin energy while the east coast tends to have more Yang energy, taking physical temperatures out of the equation.  When you add them in, the west coast is more balanced with Qi than the east coast, especially if you know Manhattan and think about it when it’s summertime.  So, long story short I love both places because they each help balance my own Qi.  Some people may not understand this but those who know me well probably get it.  I am an on the go person who likes to make things happen.  I can go non-stop for a while (like Manhattan) but then I need to really lay back, relax, recharge and focus on me (like LA/Palm Springs) otherwise my Yang energy kicks in and I start to get cranky.

It’s a pretty cool little discovery and I’m glad I’ve been able to make it.  So now what?  I’ll continue to enjoy my time here in The City and embrace those San Jacinto Mountains when I return to my home.

How Relationships Change

Whether dealing with friendships, a romantic relationship or your family one thing is certain, relationships change.  Sometimes they change for the better.  You find a renewed sense of love within the relationship and that love strengthens it.  You may find support from someone when you lease expect it and you may be pleasantly surprised with how much others care when you thought you were alone.  I have seen relationships in my own life grow and change for the better.  I’m closer to some people than I’ve ever been, have found myself giving to people who I never thought needed me and have loved with a new passion that was once lost.  To give and receive in your relationships allows for them to flourish and grow.

Other times your relationships turn for the worst.  Maybe communication breaks down, you don’t feel heard or understood, or you don’t have the same expectations as the other person.   Maybe pain within the relationship was far too much to bear.  Sometimes, one person just takes from the other, which is draining.  Other times, both parties just come to an impasse and aren’t sure how to move forward so it just stops altogether. 

A relationship you start is never going to be the same throughout the course of it.  You have to be willing to let it change for better or for worse because we cannot control how the relationship evolves, only our reaction to what happens within it.   We all change and will continue to through our lives.  Be sure you keep those positive relationships in your life and terminate those that are no longer good for you.

Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  

There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  

If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.

Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.

If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.

Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

The Most Meaningful Relationships

Last week, the New York Times blog posed the question, “What relationship is most meaningful to you?”

Many people responded with their friends or family being the most meaningful but there was one person who went further than that and said the most meaningful relationship they have is with themselves.  I was happy to see someone was able to point inward in response to this question.

When it comes to identifying the relationship from which all others extends, it is the relationship with our self.  If we do not love our self, believe in our self, overcome our fears, explore what our self needs and what makes our self happy we will look for everyone else to fill these voids.  It is unfair to put that kind of expectation onto anyone else.  Once we have a strong relationship with our self, we can focus on developing strong and meaningful relationships with others.  

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

Do You Bend Over Backwards for Valentine's?

I remember waiting for Valentine’s Day every year as a child.  It was basically an afternoon off from school, which was what any kid would want.  We decorated our little mailboxes in art class the week before, spent evenings at home writing out Valentine’s cards to friends and crushes while feasting on gummy candy hearts and those chalky candy hearts.  Who wouldn’t love that?  There was nothing more exciting than writing out that card to a boy I really liked but didn’t want to give it away.  I’d have to choose the right card so not to sound like I loved him (too serious) but something that hinted that I liked him a little but not too much.  It makes me smile just thinking about those times.  It was so adorable and innocent!

My classmates and I eagerly opened each of the Valentine’s cards we received just hoping to get a return, “I like you too,” message from that special boy.  We even compared our cards!   When I wasn't picked by a boy, I was rather sad but one time I was and it resulted in my first official boyfriend in 5th grade.  It lasted maybe two days until he thought being “boyfriend and girlfriend” was boring.  So, we continued our friendship and our three-point shooting competitions between our basketball practices.

Where did the notion of Valentine’s go wrong?  When did it become all about having to provide some grandiose display of love?  Why couldn’t it just be like when we were kids and to simply say, “Hey, I really like you today, before today and after today?  Why have so many people fallen for the over-priced dinners, flowers, etc.?  

I had a long-time boyfriend who was so into Valentine’s and for any occasion he could write me a love letter, give me flowers and buy me jewelry.  Who wants to slap me know and ask, “Tracy, what the hell is wrong with you?  I’d kill to have a guy like that!”  I love a surprise and thoughtful expressions of love but I don’t like predictable.  That’s just me.  Valentine’s  has become rather predictable; to do as much as we can to outdo any other couple in the world.  I think while trying to fight that predictability, people have tried to outdo themselves over and over again in order to impress their partner and the world.  

This is why Valentine’s Day isn’t for me.  If I received a cute old-school Valentine card with Donald Duck, Superman or whatever character on it that was simply stating something silly like, “You quack me up,” or “I think you’re SUPER” I would be more excited and feel that is more genuine than receiving a diamond necklace courtesy of Kay Jewelers.  So think about what you're offering to your partner for Valentine's and not focus on what you're proving.

To Date or Not To Date A Co-worker? That is the Question!

People find themselves in this predicament at one point or another in their lives.  They’re at work and someone catches their eye.  They chat, they flirt, and over time they discuss going on a date.  If you find yourself interested in dating your co-worker, do you know with certainty what you would do?

There are conflicting arguments about how to handle dating your co-worker.  Some say, “no way” it will just make things awkward if the relationship goes sour.  While others say, “why not?” I’m here all of the time anyway and don’t have enough free time to get out and meet people elsewhere.  Besides, my workplace is FULL of hotties; how could I not date or hook up with a few of them?  

There is no right or wrong answer here.  I know people who met through work, fell in love and got married.  I know people who had disasterous experiences where they were stalked by a heart-broken ex at work.  Talk about not getting any work done!  Others have hid the relationship successfully, while others were found out or were very open with their co-workers that they were indeed dating.

Here are a few things to consider before choosing whether or not to date someone in your workplace:

Know and set your boundaries on what is acceptable to you.  If you do not want anyone to know about your relationship and your partner decides to divulge to a few co-workers, you’ve just created a rumor mill that will in fact be true.

Also evaluate your working relationship.  If someone you like is someone you have to work with on a daily basis, this can make it more difficult for you to separate work life from personal life.  Emotions don’t turn on or off like a faucet and if you’re really into each other everyone around you will notice.  Again, spurring another truthful rumor mill.  This can be extremely difficult if you work in the same department or on the same team.

Evaluate the maturity of the other person.  Just because you’re able to handle a relationship with a co-worker doesn’t mean everyone else is.  There’s nothing worse than a personal issue being turned into a work issue when the two aren’t related.

My personal point of view is to never date your boss.  Why run the risk of being dumped and fired by the same person?

What Exactly Does Settling for a Partner Mean?

There is currently an article in the Atlantic entitled, "Marry Him!" where long-time author Lori Gottlieb discusses why women should be willing to settle for a man who's not perfect.  My initial thought just hearing this was, "honey, you've fooled yourself into thinking that's what you should've done, being all single in your 40's and having a child on your own regretting turning good guys down."

Well, that's a bit true since she writes in the context of raising a family.  She does know she could have had happy relationships with really great guys but pushed them aside when she was younger for the perfect man.  So, what about everyone else?

For those who are single, there is NO such man as the perfect man, or woman.  For those who are or have been married, you know this and may even be reminded of it on a daily basis.  It's never about finding the perfect person, it's finding someone who is perfect for you.  So, what's the definition of settling, here?

Settling is usually thought to be giving up more than you'd like in order to have something, which ultimately is a sacrifice of personal happiness.  Unlike the article, in which Lori Gottlieb is willing to settle for someone with different values, I’m referring to not over-emphasizing the importance of things that really aren't important.  Ultimately, you’re turning away really great people who are genuinely good to you and for you.

I've had wonderful relationships with really great guys but I knew they weren't right for me and told them, "You're a really great guy just not great a for me."  I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand by my side, someone who couldn't put work on hold once in a while and spend time together, or someone who would lie to my face repeatedly when I asked for the truth.   So, I've had my fair share of not settling in my life.  When I was a teen, I'd meet a guy, I'd pick something to dislike (like his shoes or his last name) and decide I'd never date him or give him my number.   I'd kiss a guy and think, "this is over".  I could do that then, because I was a kid!  What did I know about commitment and what having a relationship really entailed?

Unfortunately, many people carry this child-like mentality into adulthood.  They think, "Gosh, he's really sweet and intelligent but he/she... has really ugly shirts, isn't as smart as me, makes less money than I do, eats too fast, moves to slow, doesn't like all of the same things I do, moves to fast, spends too much time with their friends, etc."  If these are all deal-breakers in your mind, I can't change that but I can help you view this mentality differently.

What I can say is that the longer your relationship is, the more important differences become.  You don't HAVE to do everything together and have everything in common.  In fact, you shouldn't!   My point here is that we can't treat partner selection the same way we buy groceries.  Going through the ingredients list and putting something back on the shelf because it has 2mg more sodium than we'd like is going to make for a long grocery trip and using that same type of measurement to relationships is not going to secure you the a great partner.  Understand what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to the relationship.  Maybe it’s values, respect and honesty are what is most important to you.

Shopping for jeans is a better analogy and a bit more like picking a partner.  There are a variety of colors, cuts, styles and brands.  Some are more youthful and as one friend has said, some are more "Grandpa style".  When shopping, you try on many pairs until you find a perfect fit.  Maybe these jeans are a little more expensive than you wanted to pay, maybe they're a little lighter than you wanted.  They could be a brand you've never worn before or they need to be shortened.  You get them anyway because they make you feel good when you put them on.  This is how it should be with your partner.  When you're with them, they make you feel good.  Period.  There is no "but" because all of those other little things don't matter in the grand scheme of the relationship.  

This reminded me of multiple clients of mine who have said, when it comes to a partner, they're really picky.  They have a set list of things that are very important to them, yet they are willing to make exceptions on these items.  I kind of see them as a sliding scale.  If most of the things on the scale are close enough to 10 (with 10 being exactly what you want), one or two items less than say, a six are acceptable.  This isn't just women who face this problem.  The clients I'm referring to here are men of varying ages.  Is this settling?  Absolutely not!  These things are important to you but aren't necessarily deal-breakers.  Here are two things you can do, make a deal-breaker list of things a partner can NEVER do and list what you'd like but don't have to have (mine has always included having blue eyes).  Don't turn someone away if they meet your deal-breaker requirements but don’t fulfill all of your likes.  There's a difference between need and want.

How to Be an Investigator

I follow a variety of fellow Twitterers and was turned on to Byron Katie (@ByronKatie) by a friend of mine.  She has a really great quote which inspires my post today.  

“When you investigate, eventually the dam breaks, and you’re just left with open arms.”  

Now, some people are naturally more self-aware than others.  By this I mean, some people are able to see the good and bad within themselves and are able to cultivate the good and eliminate the bad.  Some people don’t see the bad within themselves so they don’t change it.  By bad, I don’t mean you’re going to murder someone or hit them.  Bad in this instance could be as simple as frequently criticizing your partner, drinking too much after work or not communicating your feelings in your relationships.   

When you begin to investigate why you do the bad things in your life, you begin to uncover some pretty strong feelings within yourself and these feelings are true to who you are.  The damn breaks when you realize that your bad behaviors have hurt those around you (or even yourself!) and you choose to change your behavior.   I see the open arms as a metaphor for forgiveness.  When you know you’ve been in the wrong, you can forgive your self and be forgiven by those you’ve hurt.  If someone chooses not to forgive you, that is their choice.  In the end, we can only be responsible for our own happiness, or own self, our own willingness to investigate, realize and forgive.

Do Not Drive With a Faulty Personal Gas Pedal

I receive AP breaking news straight to my phone, which is a convenient way for me to obtain breaking news while I work.  I’m sure you’re all familiar with the “sticky gas pedals” in Toyotas which resulted in over million cars being recalled.  I was making the bed when I received an alert saying,  “Transportation secretary is advising people stop driving their cars and seek repair.”  If I knew my gas pedal could get stuck, I would be afraid TO drive it, not act like nothing is wrong.

Certainly, some people have no other car to get to and from work, to take their kids to school, etc.  I get that.  But driving your car on a daily basis when a repair is needed is a huge risk.  It’s also similar to how people handle problems, or their personal gas pedal in their life.  Too many other things get in the way of tackling their problem, which leaves them with a pile of stuff on top of the problem instead of fixing it.

It got me to thinking about people, behavior and their thought process for living.

I may be talking to someone and when I begin to tell them what I do, they’re captivated and interested.   Sometimes they even say, “I could TOTALLY use your help.”  These are people who know their personal gas pedal sticks.  Sometimes, these people follow up, call me and we begin to work together.  They’re getting their gas pedal repaired.  Others never call.  They are the people who are driving around through their lives with a sticky personal gas pedal, know this but yet aren’t quite sure now is the time to fix it.  The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get.  Now, your life is not like the real car, where you run the risk of killing someone because your car crashes into someone or something.  Essentially, you are waiting for issues to fix themselves on their own when you know they haven’t been magically fixed in the past.  You’ll find the same things happening to you, you’ll start to believe that’s just how things are and you’ll be further from positive change and happiness in your life.

Get Relationship Ready!

Happy February to you!  One month in 2010 has passed and I hope this year has been and continues to be full of love, happiness and success for each of you.


For those of you who are looking for love or friendship this year, you'll want to relationship proof yourself.  It's similar to weatherproofing your home.  There are many ways to do this and I'll provide some tools and tips to do so.  I'll discuss finding the relationships and things that are draining your energy and how to replace them with relationships and things that bring you happiness.  I'll be starting this audio series  in the next few weeks.  I'm just ironing out details on how to get files posted to my website.


If there is a relationship issue, question or idea you'd like to share please e-mail me.  I'd love to be able to provide some real-life examples and of course, your name would never be used!

Part Three: Fundamentals for Maintaining a Merry Marriage

Part’s One and Two of this series can be found in earlier posts.   There you will find that my definition of marriage is not just for the traditional husband and wife but for anyone in a committed relationship.  

With January coming to a close, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  I feel the need to write about a simple fundamental that applies not only to this day but to the rest of the year.  Do not have so many expectations!  I hate hearing stories of the woman who expected to be proposed to on Valentine’s, the man who was expecting his long, lost love to magically reappear, people expecting roses, gifts, candy, cards, romantic dinners and champagne by the fire. What’s wrong with all of this is that you are expecting something and maybe even too much.  If you find Valentine’s Day and the rest of your life filled with wishful thinking, ask yourself these questions:  Do you go through your life with an expectation or do you just enjoy it for what it is?  Do you ever feel pleasantly surprised by your partner or are you constantly disappointed because your expectations aren’t being met?  Many people find themselves in the latter group but think the other person is to blame.  This is incorrect.  Do not expect everything and you’ll be grateful for each and every thing you receive.  

Are You in Love with Not Getting What You Want?

In your relationships, do you give in, concede and just let things be even though you know you don’t want to?  After you agree to something with your partner do you feel exhausted?  Do you ever desire to receive something (sometimes anything!) from your partner but feel that it’s just impossible?  

If any of these sound familiar, you may be in love with not getting what you want.  

When we’re in love with not getting what we want we sacrifice ourselves, sometimes unknowingly, in order to maintain peace and happiness within the relationship.  This may make your partner happy but it’s unlikely to be making you happy.  If you’re not feeling it now, you will eventually.  You will wake up one day and realize your pain.  You’ll find that the attempts to please someone else have been making you miserable.  

This is going to be a tough day but one you can get through.  You’ll be forced to evaluate the relationship and most importantly, your behavior.  You will decide if you want to make yourself in love with getting what you want.  You will decide if you want to remain in the relationship.  You will come to a conclusion that is best for you now, not what’s best for the you who was in love with not getting what you wanted.  

Thinking You Know What You Want Vs. Really Knowing What You Want

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact."  


What I find in working with clients is that they think they already know exactly what they want and sometimes, this creates a little skepticism within my client on exactly how I'm going to be able to help them.  For example, as we discuss what it is they want from a relationship versus what they had or have in a relationship, we really begin to see what it is they truly want and what they need to get it.  I tend to notice this before my clients.  This is because I'm coming from an objective perspective, with no motive except to help my client find what it is they want.  I do not tell them, "Hey, do you know you just said what you want?" because in most cases, they're not finished working through what is happening to them right now.  They still need to talk about their pain, frustrations, or transgressions in order to see what they really want.  I don't want to interrupt that exploration process for my clients and this is a huge difference between what I do and what a therapist, consultant or other coaches may do.  I exhibit patience that allows you the freedom to speak and be heard and help you come to substantiated conclusions.

Part Two: Fundamentals for Creating a Merry "Marriage"

So, the first part of my series on a Merry Marriage was focused on dealing with holiday stress.  That is such a small portion of the year, I wanted to provide you with tips on how to maintain happiness in your marriage or really, in any romantic relationship you may find yourself in.  If you exhibit great behaviors while you’re dating, it only helps success in your relationship and marriage as it grows.  Being married is not the time to become a responsible partner.

I’ve always thought about a romantic relationship as a seed.  You choose to put it in the ground together and care for it from there.  With proper care, it grows, blossoms and matures.  Some people pull the seed out of the ground before it even had a chance to become anything and others improperly care for it because they’re not sure what to do.  Like it or not, our parents were our relationship role models and sometimes, we learned some things that aren't very productive.  

Some relationships start with the seed in the wrong soil (e.g. getting married or hooking up for the wrong reasons) or by planting it in the wrong season (e.g. advancing a relationship too quickly).  This does not mean the relationship is a total failure.  Failure is not having any success at all.  I have never heard anyone come out of a relationship and not be able to recall at least one good thing about the relationship, at any point.  Even if it’s only one good thing that you carry with you, that is perfectly okay.  We tend to be quite hard on ourselves when it comes to relationship successes and failures.  

For many, success means perfection all of the time and failure means, something, even just one thing, sucks.

There is a huge middle ground there that gets missed.  We cannot expect perfection all of the time nor should one error be cause for relationship dissolution.  However, we often see these types of situations play out.  One argument causes a relationship to falter.  

There is a lot of give and take in a relationship and sometimes one person may be giving or taking more than the other and likely one day, the other person will do the same.  Now, knowing when that balance is exhausted and the relationship is 

one-sided can be a tricky circumstance to navigate on your own but know you don’t have to because I am here to navigate it with you.

Coaching Works! I've Been in Your Shoes...

It's easy for someone to say something works because it's what they do for a living.  One reason I was able to become a life coach was based on the fact that I had success in being coached myself!  I was about 23 when I met with Miriam Drake in St. Louis for coaching.  At the surface level, I wasn't sure what career I wanted to pursue.  In reality,  I knew what I wanted to do but I was just unsure about how to land the job with no direct experience.  So, she coached me through my career options and provided me with some advice and contacts to get me started.  Using the skills gained through coaching, I landed my first ad industry job in Chicago.  From there, I applied the same skills to find jobs in Manhattan and Los Angeles.  Ten years later, I can tell you that if it weren't for my successful coaching experience, I couldn't be here now saying that it's truly quicker, easier and less stressful than trying to do it all on your own.

Having a coaching practice now, being thanked by your clients week after week is truly special, but what makes it worthwhile for me is knowing my clients are creating long-term benefits and skills from our time together.

Experience Keeping the Merry in Marriage Part One: During the holidays

The holidays are always a stressful time for many couples, whether you’re married or not.  It starts with “where do we go first?” or “which family do we visit this year?”  It’s a monetary and physical strain when you find yourself packing up into a car or plane to your destination.  Gifts wrapped and sent?  Check.  Packed clothing for the colder/warmer weather?  Check.  Pet sitter?  Check.  Holiday cards sent?  Check.  House secure and neighbors notified?  Check.  Thermostat?  Timers?  Alarm?  Old food discarded?  Check, check, check, check.  There’s a lot of stress in leaving for the holidays before you even go anywhere!

You find yourself fighting crowds while trying to relax so you can prepare to spend the holidays busy with family.  You’re also trying to rest up and recharge in order to return to work refreshed and avoid getting the seasonal cold or worse, a flu.  How can this all be possible?  I think about the many times my family would see me and my mom would say, “You (or your husband) look so tired.”  Of course we did!  We just drove 14 hours to get  here, or got up at 4:00 a.m. to be at the airport and we’ve been working like mad just one day before getting here.  So, we started to look at the amount of “stress induced” versus the “stress reduced”.

This is why my husband and I stopped traveling for holidays.  We found it was draining the same energy we were trying to recharge while away from work.  We love our families but after the total cost, even when frequent flier miles could be used, the stress of taking care of all of the details, in addition to having to rush home to get set for work again was far more draining than satisfying.  

We have never been believers in using one day of the year to celebrate anything, be it a birthday, an anniversary, or a holi-day.  It just doesn’t make financial sense for us to pay to add an extra layer of stress into our lives.  We agreed to discontinue on a path that wasn’t making us feel satisfied, when it was supposed to.  We’ve come to spend most of the major holidays with friends and try not to travel for more than one holiday or occasion per year.   Just yesterday, we debating driving 33 hours or so to family for Christmas.  Using the rule of “stress induced” versus “stress reduced” made us realize staying home this year is just fine.  

Many people are rushing around during the holidays but if you’re finding less than satisfactory fulfillment in your life during this time, take some time to think about why.