How Environment Changes Beliefs

I was thinking back to a relationship I had once, where my boyfriend would constantly point out other people around us and make some type of disparaging comment about them.  At first, I was appalled and ignored what he was saying.  Then I began questioning him as to why he would make such assumptions about someone just based on looking at them.  He didn’t know their story, just like they didn’t know his.  He was often judged and misperceived based on how he looked.  He dressed in a way that didn’t present an immediate positive impression and I wonder if that was because he himself didn’t feel comfortable with what people thought about him, so he played this game with strangers to boost his own confidence.  

As our relationship developed and became serious, I found myself playing along with his game, even though I didn’t agree with it.  The debating and fighting over the principle took a back seat to having a relationship with a guy who was otherwise kind, loving and appreciative of me.  It felt like a small sacrifice until the time came for me to decide whether or not we could be married.  I opted against a lifelong relationship with him and this belittling behavior was a huge basis for my decision.  I could not change this about him and I also wasn’t going to tolerate it for the rest of my life.  His environment of negativity and low self worth was influencing my perception of others and ultimately me, and I was no longer willing to tolerate the toxicity.  

Pay attention to your relationships, both personally and professionally.  Think about whether they force you to fight your beliefs and try to diminish your sense of worth.  It is the people who fight your fundamental beliefs who have an issue with themselves and try to blame you as a result.  

Remember who you are, your strengths, your beliefs and never let your environment change who you are. 

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
— Robert F. Bennett 

The Negative Shift Needs Realigning

Speaking with a good friend recently, we were both talking about how life has changed for us in many ways.  She is 20 years my senior, recently divorced and starting her own business.  Within the first month of getting her skincare practice up and running, the landlord she was renting space from completely turned on her, forcing her to empty her shop on a Sunday afternoon.  She feared he may become violent, so my husband and I remained on standby.  She will now be running her business from home but that presents the challenges of getting her name out when she has no current clients.

As we talked about her plans, she made some pretty great points as she described her situation:
1. Much of the world has become bitter and insensitive due to economic pressures.
I believe this to be true.  Many people have been forced to do the work of 2+ people to stay employed, straining their bodies, stressing their minds and spiraling into feeling miserable but pretending not to be, day after day.  We will never return to days when work and home are completely separate.  However, people should be returning to points of being able to take a break and step away every now and then.  If people feel unable to do so, this is probably a sign they don't have the right support staff in place to work together and give each other those breaks.  This landlord probably didn't see how my friend was going to be able to help him make money, though she was the one paying for space in his salon.

2. Many people have lost manners and a sense of kindness.
I've seen this prior to the recession and it's just more evident now.  This explains why many businesses are trying to find ways to improve their service, whether it's a hospital working with Disney or someone else trying to work Apple's model, they are trying to bring back the respect for humanity that has continued to dwindle.

3. There is no compromise and approach and tact are missing.
She followed this up with a very valid point, which is that people give someone one label and once they are that label, there is no chance of ever changing it.  Because of number one listed above, people don't have time to get to know someone, understand their strengths, utilize them and build teams that work well together.  Any relationship, working or personal isn't going to be crystalized immediately so assumptions and final impressions should be reserved without initial judgment clouding them.  Also, if impressions aren't positive or aligned with specific outcomes, many people aren't taking the time to discuss them openly and quickly.  They let things build quietly and then the top comes off of the hat.  This is why out of the blue, my friend found herself fearful and having to move out of the space she was renting just a few weeks after moving in.

These negative shifts will find a way to rebalance themselves, especially once we find more stability in the economy.  In the meantime, hang on tight and be prepared for anything.

Pets are partners, too

Dealing with loss of any kind can be pretty traumatic.  For me right now, I'm dealing with the loss of one of my beloved cats, Max.  I grew up with cats and have lost them before but this loss has been far more painful for me, which is compounded by a few things.  One, I picked him and his brother out (more like, they picked me) almost 10 years ago.  Two, I learned that they were Maine Coones (if not pure bred, darn close) so they got to be gigantic and took up a lot of space on the couch, on the bed, on the counter, in the tub or wherever else they decided to visit with my husband and I.                                                                              

He would greet me at the door if I'd been gone for one hour, one week or one month with the same cheerful trot and meow.  I'd proceed to ask him how he was, what he had been doing, if he saw birds, if he wanted a treat and I would get at least one, if not more meows in return to each question.  It has been the most difficult pet loss of all because Max and I kind of adopted each other as buddies, while the same happened with his brother Angelo and my husband.

This means that any time I was sick, sad, happy, excited, lonely sleepy and everything in between, Max was there for me.  I was also there for him through vet visits, moves, and hair cuts until the last few weeks of his life, while his health declined rapidly due to a tumor in his intestinal tract.  My husband had to fill in for me during the week while I worked in Los Angeles and came home to see his health failing him on the weekends.  I wanted so badly to be here with him and every night on the phone, he would meow to me to let me know he was still here.

When I returned this past weekend, he looked a bit worse.  After my first day being here, his health declined to the point where I hurt just looking at him try to walk, eat and get comfortable while he occupied his favorite place on the patio.  His once 15-pound body had vanished into eight pounds of pained silent meows and glossed eyes.  He attempted to purr as I held him longer than I was ever allowed to in his life (see photo of his angry face as I held him a few years back).  The tumor occupying his belly wasn't allowing him to obtain nutrients but his calm demeanor allowed him to obtain all of the love and affection I was bestowing on him.

My husband and I took him into the vet to discuss having them board him while we took a pre-planned overnight trip, so they could give him his medicines.   We would instead be told he was so ill they didn't think he would make it through our trip, let alone through the night.  Needless to say, Max left us that day and it was the most pain I've felt in a really long time.  I lost one of my babies.  I'm a cat mom and felt a part of me left when he did.  A day hasn't gone by since without crying and wondering if his brother will enjoy being the only meow of the house.  I hope Angelo chooses to stay with us for many years to come because I need him to be my buddy now and meow back when I talk to him.

Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

Redefining Relationship Roles

I’m reading a really great book entitled “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which I still haven’t read.  I chose to read her latest book because it deals with her apprehension with getting married a second time.  It’s a great read for anyone who wants to be married or is married for the first, second, third or umpteenth time.  Many of the lessons she imparts are certainly ones I’ve learned in my soon-to-be 10 years of marriage but I believe many of these things are not taught or passed on from others who have happy marriages.  I also think people hide behind the facade of a happy marriage when something drastic is really missing from it.  I highly suggest this read for anyone who wants to understand where their marriage is, has gone wrong or to prevent any misfortune including divorce.  It also gives a nice perspective on how devastating divorce is and reminded me of a previously referenced article on how it’s not all that great for the parties involved.  

I have found it has helped me articulate my own changing definition of marriage and the relationship I maintain with it and how it influences the relationship with my husband.  I certainly do not define it in the same way as I did when I got married and even as recently as a few months ago.  What has stuck with me most of all is something that I had already had conversations about in the past:  marriage, until quite recently, has never been something we choose out of love.  It was often something that chose us due to our familial affiliation, cultural role or functional purpose due to our gender.  

To ask of our spouse to be our confidant, our best friend, our lover, our love and our partner in life is a big responsibility for any one person to live up to.  It is no wonder divorce has prevailed in half of all marriages.  Many of us married under incorrect assumptions of what our marriage should be.  I’m not saying marriage becomes this cold, loveless union but quite the opposite.  It becomes a loving, tender, caring, supportive bond with another individual.   One should consider what love is versus what being in love is.  Love is caring for someone when illness steals away any memories of your spouse knowing who you are.  Love is carrying a frail body from the bathtub to the bed.  Love is reteaching someone to walk or to talk.  It is always supporting, always loving (without conditions) and always being willing to give up some prideful ego in the process.  Love transcends time, location, age, race, sexual orientation and human error.  So when two people marry, somehow they mistake being “in love” as love and when that fades (which it will), they think they can’t be married any longer.  This is why gay marriage is no different than straight marriage.  Marriage has nothing to do with religion, making babies or being in love but it has everything to do with partnership and love.

Are you a social media slut?

There are references to this online but no real definition of it that I could find.  So, this is my attempt to define it, your relationship with social media and help you determine if you’re a social media slut.

I was inspired by this because I had read about an article talking about emotional sluts.  These are people who basically share far too many intimate details with someone who doesn’t want to hear them.  This leaves the listener with some basic options; either walk away or share far less detail back with the slut. Option one makes the listener look like an inconsiderate jerk and option two, in turn causes the slut to share even more information than the listener ever cared to know.  When the listener doesn’t return the favor of details, the slut feels upset and betrayed by “a friendship” that was really never there to begin with.  Emotional vampire is probably another way to look at it.  The slut literally sucks all of the life out of a possible friendship by laying burden after burden down on someone without thinking about the consequences, until it’s too late.  Then the slut feels burned by someone when in reality, the slut just burned themself.

So, back to social media sluts.  These are people who share their every intimate detail with everyone for the sake of highlighting one’s own success to garner praise, failures to garner sympathy and problems that warrant someone else’s fix.  They rarely, if ever, use social media to connect on a personal level because in the end it’s all about them.  This does not apply to just Facebook, but every Digg, Foursquare, Tweet, video post, etc. imaginable.  It’s like someone who used to call you on the phone, talk about themselves for an hour and if you were lucky, maybe ask how you were doing before hanging up.  Then, when they find they’re fired from their job because that crude comment they made about their boss made it’s way back to their boss, a friend de-friends them without a clue as to why or some other mishap happens, they wonder why things like this keep happening to them.  Some things don’t need to be shared.  Some things don’t need to be made public and some people just haven’t learned how to separate detail from intimate detail.  So, if you know of a social media slut, feel free to send this along to them as a small clue to say, “Pssst, this kinda describes you and yes, you’re pretty annoying.  You may want to take a look at what you’re doing before you make your next post.”   Maybe it will help save a relationship with a friend, partner, sibling, co-worker or someone else.  More importantly, it may just save this person from themselves.  

The Gift of Great Friends

Growing up, I always thought a great friend was someone you would be friends with for life but that has not proven to be the case.  As I moved, time passed and I evolved, so did other people.  Friends have come and gone through the years but one thing remains certain, nothing beats the valuable people who are in my life now.

I have friends who I met through work, through other friends and my spouse.  I've met people randomly at events and people who were once an acquaintance who are now friends.  Everyone defines their friends differently and I'm glad to have friends of all kinds.  I have friends I rarely see, yet we pick up right where we left off, friends who send spontaneous invitations and friends who I can make long-range plans with.  Friends I only e-mail with or instant message, friends I see in person, friends I talk with for hours by phone, friends I Facebook and friends I vacation with.  Friends who know my every flaw and friends who think I'm flawless.  Friends I laugh with, friends I cry with and friends I laugh until I cry with.  Friends who know me well, friends who know my husband well and those who know us both well enough to share in the triumphs and tribulations of being in a long-term relationship.

For those in my life who are my friends, I thank you for sharing your honesty, your encouragement, your hugs, your stories, fears, successes, bottles of wine, hopes, dreams, vacations, laughter, tears, pain,
home-cooked meals, recommendations, homes, your friends and smiling faces when times have been tough, great and everything in between.

Friends are like flowers, we choose a lovely array for their unique characteristics in hopes of surrounding ourselves with a beautiful garden.

Think about the friends in your life and how they impact you.

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

Manifest and Maintain Confidence

This morning, I did a really great yoga session which focused on building the third chakra.  This is associated with building fire and confidence within.  For those who are unfamiliar with chakras, this particular one is centered around the stomach so there were a lot of abdominal exercises involved in addition to some fun balancing poses.  To say I was sweating would be an understatement.  I was drenched.  Within this particular class, what I found interesting is the ability to overcome any fear or obstacle through focus, perseverance and confidence.  

As I drank much needed water afterwards I started to ponder, if we control building our confidence why do we let others interfere and tear it down?

Confidence is a much discussed but not widely taught fundamental to living happily.  I remember a few self-esteem discussions in health class but it centered around eating disorders for us girls.  I didn’t have an eating disorder so therefore, didn’t think I had a confidence issue.  However, a study that Dove conducted back in 2004, I think it was claimed only 2% of women considered themselves beautiful, which is ultimately a result of lack of confidence.  I have to say that I am fortunate to feel I'm in that 2%. Let’s face it, women tend to be competitive with each other and it’s something I never understood or participated in.  I’ve been a keen observer of it and have watched women sabotage other women for their own personal confidence boost.   But I've seen men and women alike sabotage others for personal gain.  So, how do you cultivate confidence within yourself?

There are healthy ways to cultivate confidence without having to inflict hurt or damage onto another person.  Some people master a skill, create a side business or pursue a hobby with vigor.  Yoga is my way of maintaining confidence within myself.  I really take pride in what I achieve in yoga.  Because it’s not competitive, I don’t care what others do and no one can disarm me of my confidence.  In fact, others can only boost it.  Wouldn’t it be great if life were this way, too?  Life can be just like yoga.  Here’s how...

If you have confidence within yourself to partake in your life in the way that best suits you, you will be doing what you love, will not feel threatened by others and will embrace what everyone has to offer within your life.  It will be a truly supportive, happy and fulfilling endeavor just like yoga.   However,  when we lack confidence we aren’t happy, we start to lash out against people, find ways to separate “me from you” and isolate people in our lives to the point that it may make others feel inferior.  In yoga and in life our lack of confidence prohibits us from trying what we long to do and we stop ourselves before trying.   I’ve been able to work around both confident and sabotaging people and can conclude that your confidence is the only thing which will keep you happy, so be careful not to let others strip that from you.  When they try, you can think about what may be causing them to tear you down.  More importantly, celebrate your ability to overcome these outside influences and forces.  Just as in yoga, how you position yourself in life is a result of your efforts.   

A Note from A Stranger Whose Heart Has Shattered

Now that I have my own company and am engaged in my own social media, I receive requests to connect from people whom I’ve never met.  If we have common friends/colleagues, I’ll accept but sometimes I receive a request from people with whom I have no connection whatsoever.  I just received one from a man who told me that he has given up on relationships.  I encouraged him to become a fan of my page and/or to subscribe to www.bouncebacktolife.com since it could help his heartache and is also a place where I may be able to communicate with him.

It was 5:00 a.m. when I received this note. I don’t know where this man lives but I know he’s in his late 30’s.  As I was working I started to wonder, “What has this man gone through to completely throw in the towel on having a relationship?”

I’ve just started reading a book on the relationship of self to love, and love to relationships.  It’s highly spiritual and just writing those words does not give those words the justice they deserve.  In the end, if you’ve truly given yourself the freedom to let go of your ego, self is love and no actions are performed by self without love.  To not love is to not be human.  So, is this man incapable of being in touch with his self and ultimately love and therefore not human?

I’ll bring this outside of the context of the book to try to make some sense of it all because it is an uncommon concept to grasp.  When pain is received (intentional or not) by someone we love, it sticks with us by becoming a wound within us.  We can choose to heal that wound or let it scar us for life.  Whether it is something major like a parent who left when we were a child, a sibling who passed, or something a bit less severe like a teacher who ridiculed us or a lover who put us down doesn’t matter.  These were all people we cared for and they hurt us. When you heal the wounds through whatever means work for you, I know and have experienced that when you think of those times when you used to hurt, you will no longer feel the pain.  

However, many people hold on to the pain throughout their lives.  Think of your spirit, your heart, your soul or whatever you want to call it as a beautiful glass vase that is meant to be filled with water, a symbol for love in this analogy.  So each pain you receive becomes a crack in that vase.  Maybe some of the water starts to leak onto the surface it’s sitting on.  Maybe you notice this and repair the crack or you let a little water leak because “it’s not that much anyway”.  As life goes on, your vase cracks in another spot, and another and pretty soon, if you don’t do something to repair these cracks this vase will shatter.   All of the water contained within will spill all over the floor.  

I think that is what has happened to this stranger.  He’s let his vase shatter and now he’s trying to hold on to what little water is left in it’s base.  It is our own responsibility to repair our own cracks in our spirit, to retain the love that was given to each of us when we were brought into this world and to let the love that is bestowed upon us to be collected.  I can only hope he still believes in the love he has left within himself to repair his pain and truly find his happiness.  For without this, he will not be able to have the relationships he so desires.

Do You Bend Over Backwards for Valentine's?

I remember waiting for Valentine’s Day every year as a child.  It was basically an afternoon off from school, which was what any kid would want.  We decorated our little mailboxes in art class the week before, spent evenings at home writing out Valentine’s cards to friends and crushes while feasting on gummy candy hearts and those chalky candy hearts.  Who wouldn’t love that?  There was nothing more exciting than writing out that card to a boy I really liked but didn’t want to give it away.  I’d have to choose the right card so not to sound like I loved him (too serious) but something that hinted that I liked him a little but not too much.  It makes me smile just thinking about those times.  It was so adorable and innocent!

My classmates and I eagerly opened each of the Valentine’s cards we received just hoping to get a return, “I like you too,” message from that special boy.  We even compared our cards!   When I wasn't picked by a boy, I was rather sad but one time I was and it resulted in my first official boyfriend in 5th grade.  It lasted maybe two days until he thought being “boyfriend and girlfriend” was boring.  So, we continued our friendship and our three-point shooting competitions between our basketball practices.

Where did the notion of Valentine’s go wrong?  When did it become all about having to provide some grandiose display of love?  Why couldn’t it just be like when we were kids and to simply say, “Hey, I really like you today, before today and after today?  Why have so many people fallen for the over-priced dinners, flowers, etc.?  

I had a long-time boyfriend who was so into Valentine’s and for any occasion he could write me a love letter, give me flowers and buy me jewelry.  Who wants to slap me know and ask, “Tracy, what the hell is wrong with you?  I’d kill to have a guy like that!”  I love a surprise and thoughtful expressions of love but I don’t like predictable.  That’s just me.  Valentine’s  has become rather predictable; to do as much as we can to outdo any other couple in the world.  I think while trying to fight that predictability, people have tried to outdo themselves over and over again in order to impress their partner and the world.  

This is why Valentine’s Day isn’t for me.  If I received a cute old-school Valentine card with Donald Duck, Superman or whatever character on it that was simply stating something silly like, “You quack me up,” or “I think you’re SUPER” I would be more excited and feel that is more genuine than receiving a diamond necklace courtesy of Kay Jewelers.  So think about what you're offering to your partner for Valentine's and not focus on what you're proving.

To Date or Not To Date A Co-worker? That is the Question!

People find themselves in this predicament at one point or another in their lives.  They’re at work and someone catches their eye.  They chat, they flirt, and over time they discuss going on a date.  If you find yourself interested in dating your co-worker, do you know with certainty what you would do?

There are conflicting arguments about how to handle dating your co-worker.  Some say, “no way” it will just make things awkward if the relationship goes sour.  While others say, “why not?” I’m here all of the time anyway and don’t have enough free time to get out and meet people elsewhere.  Besides, my workplace is FULL of hotties; how could I not date or hook up with a few of them?  

There is no right or wrong answer here.  I know people who met through work, fell in love and got married.  I know people who had disasterous experiences where they were stalked by a heart-broken ex at work.  Talk about not getting any work done!  Others have hid the relationship successfully, while others were found out or were very open with their co-workers that they were indeed dating.

Here are a few things to consider before choosing whether or not to date someone in your workplace:

Know and set your boundaries on what is acceptable to you.  If you do not want anyone to know about your relationship and your partner decides to divulge to a few co-workers, you’ve just created a rumor mill that will in fact be true.

Also evaluate your working relationship.  If someone you like is someone you have to work with on a daily basis, this can make it more difficult for you to separate work life from personal life.  Emotions don’t turn on or off like a faucet and if you’re really into each other everyone around you will notice.  Again, spurring another truthful rumor mill.  This can be extremely difficult if you work in the same department or on the same team.

Evaluate the maturity of the other person.  Just because you’re able to handle a relationship with a co-worker doesn’t mean everyone else is.  There’s nothing worse than a personal issue being turned into a work issue when the two aren’t related.

My personal point of view is to never date your boss.  Why run the risk of being dumped and fired by the same person?

How to Be an Investigator

I follow a variety of fellow Twitterers and was turned on to Byron Katie (@ByronKatie) by a friend of mine.  She has a really great quote which inspires my post today.  

“When you investigate, eventually the dam breaks, and you’re just left with open arms.”  

Now, some people are naturally more self-aware than others.  By this I mean, some people are able to see the good and bad within themselves and are able to cultivate the good and eliminate the bad.  Some people don’t see the bad within themselves so they don’t change it.  By bad, I don’t mean you’re going to murder someone or hit them.  Bad in this instance could be as simple as frequently criticizing your partner, drinking too much after work or not communicating your feelings in your relationships.   

When you begin to investigate why you do the bad things in your life, you begin to uncover some pretty strong feelings within yourself and these feelings are true to who you are.  The damn breaks when you realize that your bad behaviors have hurt those around you (or even yourself!) and you choose to change your behavior.   I see the open arms as a metaphor for forgiveness.  When you know you’ve been in the wrong, you can forgive your self and be forgiven by those you’ve hurt.  If someone chooses not to forgive you, that is their choice.  In the end, we can only be responsible for our own happiness, or own self, our own willingness to investigate, realize and forgive.

Do Not Drive With a Faulty Personal Gas Pedal

I receive AP breaking news straight to my phone, which is a convenient way for me to obtain breaking news while I work.  I’m sure you’re all familiar with the “sticky gas pedals” in Toyotas which resulted in over million cars being recalled.  I was making the bed when I received an alert saying,  “Transportation secretary is advising people stop driving their cars and seek repair.”  If I knew my gas pedal could get stuck, I would be afraid TO drive it, not act like nothing is wrong.

Certainly, some people have no other car to get to and from work, to take their kids to school, etc.  I get that.  But driving your car on a daily basis when a repair is needed is a huge risk.  It’s also similar to how people handle problems, or their personal gas pedal in their life.  Too many other things get in the way of tackling their problem, which leaves them with a pile of stuff on top of the problem instead of fixing it.

It got me to thinking about people, behavior and their thought process for living.

I may be talking to someone and when I begin to tell them what I do, they’re captivated and interested.   Sometimes they even say, “I could TOTALLY use your help.”  These are people who know their personal gas pedal sticks.  Sometimes, these people follow up, call me and we begin to work together.  They’re getting their gas pedal repaired.  Others never call.  They are the people who are driving around through their lives with a sticky personal gas pedal, know this but yet aren’t quite sure now is the time to fix it.  The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get.  Now, your life is not like the real car, where you run the risk of killing someone because your car crashes into someone or something.  Essentially, you are waiting for issues to fix themselves on their own when you know they haven’t been magically fixed in the past.  You’ll find the same things happening to you, you’ll start to believe that’s just how things are and you’ll be further from positive change and happiness in your life.