How Environment Changes Beliefs

I was thinking back to a relationship I had once, where my boyfriend would constantly point out other people around us and make some type of disparaging comment about them.  At first, I was appalled and ignored what he was saying.  Then I began questioning him as to why he would make such assumptions about someone just based on looking at them.  He didn’t know their story, just like they didn’t know his.  He was often judged and misperceived based on how he looked.  He dressed in a way that didn’t present an immediate positive impression and I wonder if that was because he himself didn’t feel comfortable with what people thought about him, so he played this game with strangers to boost his own confidence.  

As our relationship developed and became serious, I found myself playing along with his game, even though I didn’t agree with it.  The debating and fighting over the principle took a back seat to having a relationship with a guy who was otherwise kind, loving and appreciative of me.  It felt like a small sacrifice until the time came for me to decide whether or not we could be married.  I opted against a lifelong relationship with him and this belittling behavior was a huge basis for my decision.  I could not change this about him and I also wasn’t going to tolerate it for the rest of my life.  His environment of negativity and low self worth was influencing my perception of others and ultimately me, and I was no longer willing to tolerate the toxicity.  

Pay attention to your relationships, both personally and professionally.  Think about whether they force you to fight your beliefs and try to diminish your sense of worth.  It is the people who fight your fundamental beliefs who have an issue with themselves and try to blame you as a result.  

Remember who you are, your strengths, your beliefs and never let your environment change who you are. 

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
— Robert F. Bennett 

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

Do You Bend Over Backwards for Valentine's?

I remember waiting for Valentine’s Day every year as a child.  It was basically an afternoon off from school, which was what any kid would want.  We decorated our little mailboxes in art class the week before, spent evenings at home writing out Valentine’s cards to friends and crushes while feasting on gummy candy hearts and those chalky candy hearts.  Who wouldn’t love that?  There was nothing more exciting than writing out that card to a boy I really liked but didn’t want to give it away.  I’d have to choose the right card so not to sound like I loved him (too serious) but something that hinted that I liked him a little but not too much.  It makes me smile just thinking about those times.  It was so adorable and innocent!

My classmates and I eagerly opened each of the Valentine’s cards we received just hoping to get a return, “I like you too,” message from that special boy.  We even compared our cards!   When I wasn't picked by a boy, I was rather sad but one time I was and it resulted in my first official boyfriend in 5th grade.  It lasted maybe two days until he thought being “boyfriend and girlfriend” was boring.  So, we continued our friendship and our three-point shooting competitions between our basketball practices.

Where did the notion of Valentine’s go wrong?  When did it become all about having to provide some grandiose display of love?  Why couldn’t it just be like when we were kids and to simply say, “Hey, I really like you today, before today and after today?  Why have so many people fallen for the over-priced dinners, flowers, etc.?  

I had a long-time boyfriend who was so into Valentine’s and for any occasion he could write me a love letter, give me flowers and buy me jewelry.  Who wants to slap me know and ask, “Tracy, what the hell is wrong with you?  I’d kill to have a guy like that!”  I love a surprise and thoughtful expressions of love but I don’t like predictable.  That’s just me.  Valentine’s  has become rather predictable; to do as much as we can to outdo any other couple in the world.  I think while trying to fight that predictability, people have tried to outdo themselves over and over again in order to impress their partner and the world.  

This is why Valentine’s Day isn’t for me.  If I received a cute old-school Valentine card with Donald Duck, Superman or whatever character on it that was simply stating something silly like, “You quack me up,” or “I think you’re SUPER” I would be more excited and feel that is more genuine than receiving a diamond necklace courtesy of Kay Jewelers.  So think about what you're offering to your partner for Valentine's and not focus on what you're proving.

nudge Knowledge: Take a Little Life Lesson from Nature

I spend one week on myself each month.  I invite in who I want and do what I want with my time.  Sometimes I spend a day working, sometimes I spend it reading and sometimes I spend it rejuvenating my health.  Yesterday was a combination of all three.  I slept in late, worked, read and decided to take a hike.  I decided to hit “The Museum Trail” for those who live in or visit the Coachella Valley, because it starts at the Palm Springs Art Museum.  It has a very quick 850’ elevation gain which will really kick your butt when it’s sunny and warm out.  Yesterday was rather cloudy, so I thought I’d spend my “lunch hour” on a hike.  Now I know you’re not supposed to hike by yourself but this trail has become a pretty common fitness trail for runners and hikers, so there are plenty of other people on the trail with you.  I’ve done this hike about 10 times but this was my first time alone.

As I was climbing, I was admiring the rocky, cacti and brush-filled landscape.  I also noticed how much greener everything appeared as a result of the recent rains.  There were grasses sprouting from rocks and cracks that were never there any other time I’ve hiked through the area.  It got me to thinking about when I lived in the Northeast and how much rain we would receive to maintain green landscapes and how we would water them to maintain that lush look.  I also thought about how unnatural that is.  

The more I compared living here to there, I realized how efficient the desert is at maintaining life without needing a lot from nature.  Our average annual rainfall is only 5.8” inches, yet you will see greenery and life within the mountains in July when temperatures average 107°F.  I then realized there is a lot the desert can teach us about life.  I'll share three of these things with you.

First, it teaches us to be exceedingly efficient with our efforts.  By this I mean the following:  do not expend more energy on something than what is required, do not let others drain your energy from you and enlist others to help you when you don’t have enough energy to do something on your own.  

Secondly, it teaches us not to take more than we need.  Whether it’s income, food, alcohol, exercise, sex or sleep we should be careful not to over indulge ourselves.  We will eventually get to a point where we’ll demand more than what we need when what we require is a re-evaluation of how much we really need.  When we become demanding, we aren’t very likable.  

The third thing the desert can teach us about life is once you have what you need, allot how much you will share with others who are truly in need.  Nature has a way of creating a very beautiful circle of giving and receiving between plants and animals.  A seed carried from one bird can create a new garden miles away.  Be sure that you share who you are and what you know with others.  You’ll find if you’re not greedy and give freely, people will give freely back to you.  Take this little life lesson from nature.

Get Relationship Ready!

Happy February to you!  One month in 2010 has passed and I hope this year has been and continues to be full of love, happiness and success for each of you.


For those of you who are looking for love or friendship this year, you'll want to relationship proof yourself.  It's similar to weatherproofing your home.  There are many ways to do this and I'll provide some tools and tips to do so.  I'll discuss finding the relationships and things that are draining your energy and how to replace them with relationships and things that bring you happiness.  I'll be starting this audio series  in the next few weeks.  I'm just ironing out details on how to get files posted to my website.


If there is a relationship issue, question or idea you'd like to share please e-mail me.  I'd love to be able to provide some real-life examples and of course, your name would never be used!

Part Three: Fundamentals for Maintaining a Merry Marriage

Part’s One and Two of this series can be found in earlier posts.   There you will find that my definition of marriage is not just for the traditional husband and wife but for anyone in a committed relationship.  

With January coming to a close, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  I feel the need to write about a simple fundamental that applies not only to this day but to the rest of the year.  Do not have so many expectations!  I hate hearing stories of the woman who expected to be proposed to on Valentine’s, the man who was expecting his long, lost love to magically reappear, people expecting roses, gifts, candy, cards, romantic dinners and champagne by the fire. What’s wrong with all of this is that you are expecting something and maybe even too much.  If you find Valentine’s Day and the rest of your life filled with wishful thinking, ask yourself these questions:  Do you go through your life with an expectation or do you just enjoy it for what it is?  Do you ever feel pleasantly surprised by your partner or are you constantly disappointed because your expectations aren’t being met?  Many people find themselves in the latter group but think the other person is to blame.  This is incorrect.  Do not expect everything and you’ll be grateful for each and every thing you receive.  

Stopping Your Revolving Door

I hear this a lot from both friends and clients when they’re telling me about an unfortunate situation, “This always happens to me.”  

Why does a situation always happen to someone?  Do they just have bad luck?  Is the world out to get them?  Is there any chance this can be stopped?

Everyone has a difference of opinion on this but I will say that a repeating pattern in your life is the result of you and the circumstances you attract.  You either continue to surround yourself with the people or situations which create the reoccurring event, or react to a behavior in the same manner every time.  You’re bound to end with the same result and question of “why does this keep happening to me?”

I’ll make this really simple.  If I desire a salad for lunch but instead I buy bread, peanut butter and jelly, I’m pretty likely to end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a salad, right?   Our revolving patterns are the same thing!   We ultimately choose what we want.  We have to obtain the tools to create what it is we want.

To make this a bit more life-like, I’ll use an example.  Let’s say when I am hurt by what someone said, I want to listen, talk calmly and express my feelings in a very deliberate, caring way.  However, when I become hurt maybe I walk out of a room at the sound of conflict or shout to get my point across.   I’m choosing to make that PB&J when I really wanted the salad.  Over time, it not only gets tiring for those I'm in conflict with but I get tired of it, too.  When we’re just not sure how to stop falling into the same habits and patterns, we need a nudge out of them.  Some of us are able to do this on our own and some of us just need a little guidance and support to change revolving patterns.

Thinking You Know What You Want Vs. Really Knowing What You Want

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact."  


What I find in working with clients is that they think they already know exactly what they want and sometimes, this creates a little skepticism within my client on exactly how I'm going to be able to help them.  For example, as we discuss what it is they want from a relationship versus what they had or have in a relationship, we really begin to see what it is they truly want and what they need to get it.  I tend to notice this before my clients.  This is because I'm coming from an objective perspective, with no motive except to help my client find what it is they want.  I do not tell them, "Hey, do you know you just said what you want?" because in most cases, they're not finished working through what is happening to them right now.  They still need to talk about their pain, frustrations, or transgressions in order to see what they really want.  I don't want to interrupt that exploration process for my clients and this is a huge difference between what I do and what a therapist, consultant or other coaches may do.  I exhibit patience that allows you the freedom to speak and be heard and help you come to substantiated conclusions.