Imperfection: The Catalyst of Our Future

I am not an audiophile like my husband but I do occasionally pick up an issue of his Stereophile or Audio Advisor to read articles about artists, the industry or other non-technical items I am able to comprehend. There was an article in the March issue of Sterophile that described the slow movement of some recording studios that are actually (GASP!) recording artists for a record together again, in one room!

Some people don’t know or maybe don’t care but as the industry has evolved to digital recording, many records are recorded separately by each musician and/or singer. This allows for the producers of the record to actually take each second of a song and contrive a “perfect” sounding song, when in reality musicians and singers make mistakes often but have the ability to usually trick the casual listener into thinking one never existed. David Grohl touted during Foo Fighters’ Grammy acceptance speech that their latest record was made in his garage, with old equipment while they played together. As it should be.

While reading the February issue of Fast Company, there was an article about Moonbot and their digital creation of apps and books, which is quite fascinating but what caught my attention was a caption box about a guy named Oz which read, “This guy is from a story in development, but we’re puppeteering him.  Why not?  It will save costs, and the audience will sense a level of handmade craftsmanship.”

This got me to thinking that the analog world will and should always have a place in our highly digitized one. I believe it is because only in the analog world can the mistake be celebrated and captured.  However, as our world becomes more digital it seems that a mistake is viewed as more detrimental than ever before when in fact, the opposite should be true.

I decided to read a little about the psychology of mistakes. It felt for me, the natural place to start.

We are taught the mistake equals bad.

My nephew, learning how to handle mistakes.

Therefore, when we make a mistake, we are supposed to be left with feelings of regret, remorse, or worse fear.  That fear then, keeps us from pursuing something anywhere near the thing that caused the mistake.  This is truly unfortunate for us all, especially in the uncertainty of our world.

I then came to the conclusion that the analog world tends to be used most by art and artists.  Think about it.  An example, chefs use a mix of analog (knives) and digital (thermometer) tools.  Artists use either or both and tend to lean toward the analog space because they know mistakes are an inevitable part of life.  In fact, as artists we tend to celebrate them, laugh about them and learn from them.  As we should.  I thought Psychology Today captured the right sentiment for what a mistake is: 

A mistake is an event, the full benefit of which we have not come to realize.

Here's a music example:  I am not a trumpeter but I’ve been told Miles Davis has tons of mistakes in his playing, yet without knowing this, all I hear is brilliantly played music.  A trumpeter can pick up on what is versus what isn’t a mistake and learn how to handle mistakes of their own.  I cannot.  However, I do often watch live musicians and have learned to pick up mistakes made by them and see how they handle them; most often with laughter that keeps them playing and experimenting.

We can and should use mistakes of others when possible as guides for what we would do if put into the same situation.  In our own endeavors, we should celebrate the mistake with appreciation instead of shunning it with unkindness.  Feel free to live an analog life in this very digital world.

How Environment Changes Beliefs

I was thinking back to a relationship I had once, where my boyfriend would constantly point out other people around us and make some type of disparaging comment about them.  At first, I was appalled and ignored what he was saying.  Then I began questioning him as to why he would make such assumptions about someone just based on looking at them.  He didn’t know their story, just like they didn’t know his.  He was often judged and misperceived based on how he looked.  He dressed in a way that didn’t present an immediate positive impression and I wonder if that was because he himself didn’t feel comfortable with what people thought about him, so he played this game with strangers to boost his own confidence.  

As our relationship developed and became serious, I found myself playing along with his game, even though I didn’t agree with it.  The debating and fighting over the principle took a back seat to having a relationship with a guy who was otherwise kind, loving and appreciative of me.  It felt like a small sacrifice until the time came for me to decide whether or not we could be married.  I opted against a lifelong relationship with him and this belittling behavior was a huge basis for my decision.  I could not change this about him and I also wasn’t going to tolerate it for the rest of my life.  His environment of negativity and low self worth was influencing my perception of others and ultimately me, and I was no longer willing to tolerate the toxicity.  

Pay attention to your relationships, both personally and professionally.  Think about whether they force you to fight your beliefs and try to diminish your sense of worth.  It is the people who fight your fundamental beliefs who have an issue with themselves and try to blame you as a result.  

Remember who you are, your strengths, your beliefs and never let your environment change who you are. 

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
— Robert F. Bennett 

The Negative Shift Needs Realigning

Speaking with a good friend recently, we were both talking about how life has changed for us in many ways.  She is 20 years my senior, recently divorced and starting her own business.  Within the first month of getting her skincare practice up and running, the landlord she was renting space from completely turned on her, forcing her to empty her shop on a Sunday afternoon.  She feared he may become violent, so my husband and I remained on standby.  She will now be running her business from home but that presents the challenges of getting her name out when she has no current clients.

As we talked about her plans, she made some pretty great points as she described her situation:
1. Much of the world has become bitter and insensitive due to economic pressures.
I believe this to be true.  Many people have been forced to do the work of 2+ people to stay employed, straining their bodies, stressing their minds and spiraling into feeling miserable but pretending not to be, day after day.  We will never return to days when work and home are completely separate.  However, people should be returning to points of being able to take a break and step away every now and then.  If people feel unable to do so, this is probably a sign they don't have the right support staff in place to work together and give each other those breaks.  This landlord probably didn't see how my friend was going to be able to help him make money, though she was the one paying for space in his salon.

2. Many people have lost manners and a sense of kindness.
I've seen this prior to the recession and it's just more evident now.  This explains why many businesses are trying to find ways to improve their service, whether it's a hospital working with Disney or someone else trying to work Apple's model, they are trying to bring back the respect for humanity that has continued to dwindle.

3. There is no compromise and approach and tact are missing.
She followed this up with a very valid point, which is that people give someone one label and once they are that label, there is no chance of ever changing it.  Because of number one listed above, people don't have time to get to know someone, understand their strengths, utilize them and build teams that work well together.  Any relationship, working or personal isn't going to be crystalized immediately so assumptions and final impressions should be reserved without initial judgment clouding them.  Also, if impressions aren't positive or aligned with specific outcomes, many people aren't taking the time to discuss them openly and quickly.  They let things build quietly and then the top comes off of the hat.  This is why out of the blue, my friend found herself fearful and having to move out of the space she was renting just a few weeks after moving in.

These negative shifts will find a way to rebalance themselves, especially once we find more stability in the economy.  In the meantime, hang on tight and be prepared for anything.

Honoring Yourself Through Change

Life is full of change.  If your life has been the exact same for an extended period of time, chances are you haven't been making change.  Change does not need to be drastic.  Many people often feel change must be major in order to "make a difference".   It doesn't be.  Change can be as simple as flossing your teeth after every meal instead of once a day, so you avoid cavities at your next dental visit.  That is a simple act that has long-term, positive impact on your health.

When we think about change, it can be uncomfortable and daunting or it can be inspiring and uplifting.  Change is active.  It turns a possibility into a reality.  If one continuously works to make change, that person is likely to grow into making more change.  Change isn't forced upon someone, it's initiated from within.  Sometimes people try to change each other but the fact is we can only change ourselves.

Don't change because someone wants you to.  It will lead to resentment or frustration for all parties involved.  Know who you are, what you stand for and don't succumb to the ideals or standards that others want to hold you to.  Work to put yourself into situations where your standards and ideals are shared among those around you.  This could applies to romantic relationships, working relationships and friendships.  Don't accept anything lesser because it seems like the right thing to do.  Do what is best for you.  This level of commitment to self will influence the commitments you make with everyone else in your life.

Life Goal Planning: Step one is to identify.

In response to a request to cover this topic, I want to offer up some initial thoughts on how to create life goals. I’ll offer suggestions up in pieces so that it is easy to do and hopefully will help plan accordingly.

So, what is a life goal?  That is the first question to answer.  For some, that is a career goal. For others, it can mean financial freedom or success, which also vary by person.  For others it can be a fitness goal or to have a romantic relationship by a specific point in time.  Think about what it is you mean when you say life goal.  It could mean all of these things and more!

Once you have identified your goal, it’s time to really think about what it is you specifically want to achieve.  So, if you say, “I want to eliminate debt,” that can mean different things to different people. For one person, it could be paying off a student loan while for another, it could be paying off any debt including mortgage, car payments, credit cards, etc.  Be very specific about what it is you want to achieve and ideally identify the timeframe you would like to achieve it by.

You’re off into the first step in planning your goal!

Pets are partners, too

Dealing with loss of any kind can be pretty traumatic.  For me right now, I'm dealing with the loss of one of my beloved cats, Max.  I grew up with cats and have lost them before but this loss has been far more painful for me, which is compounded by a few things.  One, I picked him and his brother out (more like, they picked me) almost 10 years ago.  Two, I learned that they were Maine Coones (if not pure bred, darn close) so they got to be gigantic and took up a lot of space on the couch, on the bed, on the counter, in the tub or wherever else they decided to visit with my husband and I.                                                                              

He would greet me at the door if I'd been gone for one hour, one week or one month with the same cheerful trot and meow.  I'd proceed to ask him how he was, what he had been doing, if he saw birds, if he wanted a treat and I would get at least one, if not more meows in return to each question.  It has been the most difficult pet loss of all because Max and I kind of adopted each other as buddies, while the same happened with his brother Angelo and my husband.

This means that any time I was sick, sad, happy, excited, lonely sleepy and everything in between, Max was there for me.  I was also there for him through vet visits, moves, and hair cuts until the last few weeks of his life, while his health declined rapidly due to a tumor in his intestinal tract.  My husband had to fill in for me during the week while I worked in Los Angeles and came home to see his health failing him on the weekends.  I wanted so badly to be here with him and every night on the phone, he would meow to me to let me know he was still here.

When I returned this past weekend, he looked a bit worse.  After my first day being here, his health declined to the point where I hurt just looking at him try to walk, eat and get comfortable while he occupied his favorite place on the patio.  His once 15-pound body had vanished into eight pounds of pained silent meows and glossed eyes.  He attempted to purr as I held him longer than I was ever allowed to in his life (see photo of his angry face as I held him a few years back).  The tumor occupying his belly wasn't allowing him to obtain nutrients but his calm demeanor allowed him to obtain all of the love and affection I was bestowing on him.

My husband and I took him into the vet to discuss having them board him while we took a pre-planned overnight trip, so they could give him his medicines.   We would instead be told he was so ill they didn't think he would make it through our trip, let alone through the night.  Needless to say, Max left us that day and it was the most pain I've felt in a really long time.  I lost one of my babies.  I'm a cat mom and felt a part of me left when he did.  A day hasn't gone by since without crying and wondering if his brother will enjoy being the only meow of the house.  I hope Angelo chooses to stay with us for many years to come because I need him to be my buddy now and meow back when I talk to him.

How you treat Earth is a reflection of you

The attached blog talks about why one should treat the environment well and the first reason is that it’s a reflection of your personality.  Here are some things your behavior could be saying.  This is only just to get you thinking.

Do you litter?  Think recycling is stupid?  Stick your gum anywhere but the garbage?  These may signify immaturity, rebelliousness and maybe also laziness.  Not taking time to separate your trash, or walk items to the trash shows you’re either expecting someone else to pick up after you or don’t care what others think.  Not caring about the place you live is unattractive because it ultimately says you don’t care about anyone but yourself.

Do you keep the water on while brushing your teeth?  Hose down your walkway instead of sweeping it?  These may signify disregard for the needs of others or a lack of self-importance.  Thinking that anything you do to help the environment really won’t help is an incorrect assumption.  We are only one person but we can have a huge impact on life and the world.  Think about the life of Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King, Jr. as just two of many examples of a single person doing something far greater than themselves.  Don’t think only about how it impacts you right now but think about how it could impact everyone around you, your children, your nieces and nephews one day when they’re having children of their own.  Water is a precious resource that needs to be treated as such.

Basically, love and respect Earth in a manner in which you’d want to be treated.  Not just today but every day.

Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

Redefining Relationship Roles

I’m reading a really great book entitled “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which I still haven’t read.  I chose to read her latest book because it deals with her apprehension with getting married a second time.  It’s a great read for anyone who wants to be married or is married for the first, second, third or umpteenth time.  Many of the lessons she imparts are certainly ones I’ve learned in my soon-to-be 10 years of marriage but I believe many of these things are not taught or passed on from others who have happy marriages.  I also think people hide behind the facade of a happy marriage when something drastic is really missing from it.  I highly suggest this read for anyone who wants to understand where their marriage is, has gone wrong or to prevent any misfortune including divorce.  It also gives a nice perspective on how devastating divorce is and reminded me of a previously referenced article on how it’s not all that great for the parties involved.  

I have found it has helped me articulate my own changing definition of marriage and the relationship I maintain with it and how it influences the relationship with my husband.  I certainly do not define it in the same way as I did when I got married and even as recently as a few months ago.  What has stuck with me most of all is something that I had already had conversations about in the past:  marriage, until quite recently, has never been something we choose out of love.  It was often something that chose us due to our familial affiliation, cultural role or functional purpose due to our gender.  

To ask of our spouse to be our confidant, our best friend, our lover, our love and our partner in life is a big responsibility for any one person to live up to.  It is no wonder divorce has prevailed in half of all marriages.  Many of us married under incorrect assumptions of what our marriage should be.  I’m not saying marriage becomes this cold, loveless union but quite the opposite.  It becomes a loving, tender, caring, supportive bond with another individual.   One should consider what love is versus what being in love is.  Love is caring for someone when illness steals away any memories of your spouse knowing who you are.  Love is carrying a frail body from the bathtub to the bed.  Love is reteaching someone to walk or to talk.  It is always supporting, always loving (without conditions) and always being willing to give up some prideful ego in the process.  Love transcends time, location, age, race, sexual orientation and human error.  So when two people marry, somehow they mistake being “in love” as love and when that fades (which it will), they think they can’t be married any longer.  This is why gay marriage is no different than straight marriage.  Marriage has nothing to do with religion, making babies or being in love but it has everything to do with partnership and love.

Are you a social media slut?

There are references to this online but no real definition of it that I could find.  So, this is my attempt to define it, your relationship with social media and help you determine if you’re a social media slut.

I was inspired by this because I had read about an article talking about emotional sluts.  These are people who basically share far too many intimate details with someone who doesn’t want to hear them.  This leaves the listener with some basic options; either walk away or share far less detail back with the slut. Option one makes the listener look like an inconsiderate jerk and option two, in turn causes the slut to share even more information than the listener ever cared to know.  When the listener doesn’t return the favor of details, the slut feels upset and betrayed by “a friendship” that was really never there to begin with.  Emotional vampire is probably another way to look at it.  The slut literally sucks all of the life out of a possible friendship by laying burden after burden down on someone without thinking about the consequences, until it’s too late.  Then the slut feels burned by someone when in reality, the slut just burned themself.

So, back to social media sluts.  These are people who share their every intimate detail with everyone for the sake of highlighting one’s own success to garner praise, failures to garner sympathy and problems that warrant someone else’s fix.  They rarely, if ever, use social media to connect on a personal level because in the end it’s all about them.  This does not apply to just Facebook, but every Digg, Foursquare, Tweet, video post, etc. imaginable.  It’s like someone who used to call you on the phone, talk about themselves for an hour and if you were lucky, maybe ask how you were doing before hanging up.  Then, when they find they’re fired from their job because that crude comment they made about their boss made it’s way back to their boss, a friend de-friends them without a clue as to why or some other mishap happens, they wonder why things like this keep happening to them.  Some things don’t need to be shared.  Some things don’t need to be made public and some people just haven’t learned how to separate detail from intimate detail.  So, if you know of a social media slut, feel free to send this along to them as a small clue to say, “Pssst, this kinda describes you and yes, you’re pretty annoying.  You may want to take a look at what you’re doing before you make your next post.”   Maybe it will help save a relationship with a friend, partner, sibling, co-worker or someone else.  More importantly, it may just save this person from themselves.  

Reflection: Time away from home

Time away from home is always a good thing.  Taking some time alone for reflection and daily responsibilities allows you a clear perspective on what is important to you in life.  It's a wonderful way to reconnect with your relationship to yourself. I just spent three weeks in Manhattan and thought it would be nice to share my revelations and reminders while I was away from home.

1.  Everything you need is within reach, you have to extend your arms and your field of vision to obtain it

2.  Time alone is healthy

3.  Girl time is special

4.  Singing along to silly songs makes me laugh

5.  Brunch is my favorite meal

6.  I don’t need to eat as much as I think I do

7.  Wine and water are my only beverage requirements

8.  Soup is underrated

9.  I need to wear heels more when going out

10.  I appreciate walking barefoot at home

11.  I am a neat freak

12.  I enjoy a simple meal out as much as a home-cooked one

13.  I love fresh produce and farmer's markets

14.  There is no such thing as sleeping in too late

15.  Yoga and walking are simple ways to stay in shape

16.   I love hiking and playing tennis 

17.  I value blue skies, mountains and sprawling vistas

18.  The west coast suits my personality and my philosophy

19.  I need a balance of work and play to be happy

20.  I can work from anywhere but anywhere doesn't work for me

21.  A good internet connection makes a huge difference

22.  I enjoy saying "good morning" to anyone on the street and receiving a reply

23.  I’m friendly and approachable by nature

24.  My partnership with my husband is a rare gem

25.  Love does conquer all

The Gift of Great Friends

Growing up, I always thought a great friend was someone you would be friends with for life but that has not proven to be the case.  As I moved, time passed and I evolved, so did other people.  Friends have come and gone through the years but one thing remains certain, nothing beats the valuable people who are in my life now.

I have friends who I met through work, through other friends and my spouse.  I've met people randomly at events and people who were once an acquaintance who are now friends.  Everyone defines their friends differently and I'm glad to have friends of all kinds.  I have friends I rarely see, yet we pick up right where we left off, friends who send spontaneous invitations and friends who I can make long-range plans with.  Friends I only e-mail with or instant message, friends I see in person, friends I talk with for hours by phone, friends I Facebook and friends I vacation with.  Friends who know my every flaw and friends who think I'm flawless.  Friends I laugh with, friends I cry with and friends I laugh until I cry with.  Friends who know me well, friends who know my husband well and those who know us both well enough to share in the triumphs and tribulations of being in a long-term relationship.

For those in my life who are my friends, I thank you for sharing your honesty, your encouragement, your hugs, your stories, fears, successes, bottles of wine, hopes, dreams, vacations, laughter, tears, pain,
home-cooked meals, recommendations, homes, your friends and smiling faces when times have been tough, great and everything in between.

Friends are like flowers, we choose a lovely array for their unique characteristics in hopes of surrounding ourselves with a beautiful garden.

Think about the friends in your life and how they impact you.

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

Obtaining Greatness

When it comes to your self, do you feel you're as good as it gets or do you believe you can become greater?  I am of the mentality that we are truly never as great as we can be but we can increase greatness if we are able to work through all of the things about our self that aren't so great.  We know our own strengths and weaknesses, yet often we ignore what is wrong and wonder why nothing changes in our life.  Have you tried to improve any of your weaknesses or are you looking for someone to fix them for you?  You can receive help working through your weaknesses and the things you want to change but no one else can do them for you.  When we are able to recognize the weaknesses and the roots of their existence, we are able to begin developing greatness within.  Some people are either too afraid, close minded or maybe lack deeper self awareness on their own to achieve the greatness within themselves.  Obtaining greatness takes faith in the unknown and a willingness to be vulnerable.  Life is about being able to open yourself up to something greater.  What's keeping you from opening yourself up?

Manifest and Maintain Confidence

This morning, I did a really great yoga session which focused on building the third chakra.  This is associated with building fire and confidence within.  For those who are unfamiliar with chakras, this particular one is centered around the stomach so there were a lot of abdominal exercises involved in addition to some fun balancing poses.  To say I was sweating would be an understatement.  I was drenched.  Within this particular class, what I found interesting is the ability to overcome any fear or obstacle through focus, perseverance and confidence.  

As I drank much needed water afterwards I started to ponder, if we control building our confidence why do we let others interfere and tear it down?

Confidence is a much discussed but not widely taught fundamental to living happily.  I remember a few self-esteem discussions in health class but it centered around eating disorders for us girls.  I didn’t have an eating disorder so therefore, didn’t think I had a confidence issue.  However, a study that Dove conducted back in 2004, I think it was claimed only 2% of women considered themselves beautiful, which is ultimately a result of lack of confidence.  I have to say that I am fortunate to feel I'm in that 2%. Let’s face it, women tend to be competitive with each other and it’s something I never understood or participated in.  I’ve been a keen observer of it and have watched women sabotage other women for their own personal confidence boost.   But I've seen men and women alike sabotage others for personal gain.  So, how do you cultivate confidence within yourself?

There are healthy ways to cultivate confidence without having to inflict hurt or damage onto another person.  Some people master a skill, create a side business or pursue a hobby with vigor.  Yoga is my way of maintaining confidence within myself.  I really take pride in what I achieve in yoga.  Because it’s not competitive, I don’t care what others do and no one can disarm me of my confidence.  In fact, others can only boost it.  Wouldn’t it be great if life were this way, too?  Life can be just like yoga.  Here’s how...

If you have confidence within yourself to partake in your life in the way that best suits you, you will be doing what you love, will not feel threatened by others and will embrace what everyone has to offer within your life.  It will be a truly supportive, happy and fulfilling endeavor just like yoga.   However,  when we lack confidence we aren’t happy, we start to lash out against people, find ways to separate “me from you” and isolate people in our lives to the point that it may make others feel inferior.  In yoga and in life our lack of confidence prohibits us from trying what we long to do and we stop ourselves before trying.   I’ve been able to work around both confident and sabotaging people and can conclude that your confidence is the only thing which will keep you happy, so be careful not to let others strip that from you.  When they try, you can think about what may be causing them to tear you down.  More importantly, celebrate your ability to overcome these outside influences and forces.  Just as in yoga, how you position yourself in life is a result of your efforts.   

The Positive of Not Missing Something

People talk about what they miss constantly, but on occasion people will talk about things that they do not miss.  When we talk about the things we miss, we’re naturally seeking out a explanation or expressing an emotion.  When we talk about what we don’t miss, we’re validating what is true within ourselves which gets us closer to obtaining what it is we want in our own life.  I’ve had clients discuss what about their ex they don’t miss and it helped them conclude that they were truly over that relationship.  It wasn’t until they really expressed what they didn’t miss that they began to realize without a doubt, that the relationship was over, that they were now happy with where they were personally and that they could move forward happily within their own life with no regret.  It works for anything in your life.  

Take me as an example. I moved away from my home city of Milwaukee in 1998.  I know I would be absolutely miserable living there.  I don’t miss anything about it, to be quite honest besides my family who I love very much.  I was not in love with my home city and by the age of 17 I knew I had to get out.   I would stare at the skyline longing to live in a bigger city.  I never lived downtown which was deemed “unsafe” for so many years growing up, so it didn’t become a natural place for me to go when I visited.  I like to be in the middle of action with the ability to retreat when I need to.  Knowing what I don’t miss has allowed me to find happiness in my own life and make good choices moving forward.  Think about the things in your life that you don’t miss and then reflect upon how those things have contributed to your happiness in your life now.

Applying Chinese Philosophy to the My Relationships with Cities

I’m from the Midwest so I’m not married to either coast.  I could basically live anywhere and kind find the pros and cons in everything.  This can be kind of annoying for my family and friends who have watched me hop around the country the past 13 years.  To me, it’s fun and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  For those who may not know me well, after college I moved to LA, White Plains (NY), Stamford (CT), St. Louis, Chicago, Jersey City, Newburgh (NY), LA and Palm Springs (CA).  Exhausted?

I’m currently living in the west but no longer along the coastal area of LA but rather in the midst of the desert.  I love the desert for it’s wonderful quality of light, clear blue skies, slow pace, clean air, mineral water, ample amounts of natural vitamin D, locally grown citrus, beautiful mountain vistas, expansive starry arrays at night, ease of getting to the ocean or the ski slopes and guaranteed nice weather 350 days a year.  

So, you may ask why I’m spending at least 21 days in Manhattan when spring has not even sprung.  Well, what I love about Manhattan are the organized chaos, the constant motion and steady pulse of city life, an abundance of things to do, countless people to meet, places to explore and dreams to be fulfilled.   That’s what this place is all about.  I unfortunately, have never lived in Manhattan and only worked within it.  I would stay and visit, come in on weekends or days off but it’s just not the same. I can say with the four days I’ve spent within in so far I finally get it.  I want to live here, too.

Now, this will be sending my friends and family into “uh oh, here we go again,” mode.  Don’t fret.  I’m not moving anything right now.  What I am considering is what I love about each of these geographical areas and how to make them work together.  Walking along the East River, I figured it out.  There is a Yin and Yang to our country that pulls me to both places.

For those who are not very familiar with Chinese philosophy, I’ll explain this to you rather simply as I learned by a Tai Chi instructor.  Yin and Yang energy exist within everything.  Yin energy is calm, wet, clammy and female.  This does not mean it only exists in females because it exists in all of us.  Yang energy is hot, fast, dry and male.  Again, this is within us all.  What happens to us when either energy is out of balance is that we behave in ways which are not productive.  Neither energy is bad or better than the other.  They just are.  They are only bad if one starts to dominate the other because they must remain balanced.

I’ll create an example for illustrative purposes.  Who I am is made of Yin and Yang energy.  If I have too much Yin energy I may become too calm which may lead me to be lethargic, tired and maybe in extreme cases lazy or depressed.  So, I have to rebalance this energy with more Yang energy.  However, if I become to Yang, I may become agitated, short-tempered, and in extreme cases aggressive.  This is why the practice of Tai Chi is so valuable.  It is a natural way to rebalance the energy, or Qi (pronounced chi) within ourselves.

But back to my point which is discussing the Yin and Yang of our country.  I’ve lived a total of seven years on the east coast and a little over three years on the west coast (and for those who didn’t count, I’ve lived in nice places the past 13 years).  My conclusion is that as a whole, the west coast tends to have more Yin energy while the east coast tends to have more Yang energy, taking physical temperatures out of the equation.  When you add them in, the west coast is more balanced with Qi than the east coast, especially if you know Manhattan and think about it when it’s summertime.  So, long story short I love both places because they each help balance my own Qi.  Some people may not understand this but those who know me well probably get it.  I am an on the go person who likes to make things happen.  I can go non-stop for a while (like Manhattan) but then I need to really lay back, relax, recharge and focus on me (like LA/Palm Springs) otherwise my Yang energy kicks in and I start to get cranky.

It’s a pretty cool little discovery and I’m glad I’ve been able to make it.  So now what?  I’ll continue to enjoy my time here in The City and embrace those San Jacinto Mountains when I return to my home.

The Hierarchy of Proper Communication

With so many different methods of communicating available to us through technology, it’s easy to always choose what is most convenient.  This also can make things more complicated in our lives.  It wasn’t that long ago when the telephone, a letter or an in-person conversation were the only means one could get in contact with another person.  If you think back a bit further, telegrams were the e-mail of their time since they could be sent more quickly than by mail.  I once saw an SOS-style telegram of a birth announcement to a new father who was based on a submarine during a war.  All of these methods had pretty equal weight in terms of their ability to communicate important information. 

So, do all forms of communication carry equal weight?  I do not believe so.  Let me rephrase that.  I do believe there are appropriate means for communicating certain items over others.  I also believe many people have adopted an “anything goes” approach.  There is a hierarchy of communication methods I will try to explain.

Lets start with the phone.  Our phones have since turned into mini computers, so we can do more than talk on them if we choose to do so.  We can text, instant message and even e-mail from them in addition to talk on them.  Like a computer, this provides advantages such as flexibility to reach more people faster, ability to respond when available, instant delivery, not having to talk to someone if you don’t want to, and using shorthand to communicate to name a few off of the top of my head.  Because phones are portable and can also be used to talk on, you can use these other non-verbal ways to communicate in places where it may be too loud to talk or require silence (such as a concert, movie, meetings or the library) while saving “minutes”.  

Technology also provides disadvantages such as not being able to hear or see the emotion with which someone speaks, not hearing the tone with which things are typed and not knowing the intent with which someone is writing.  All things non-verbal, which are to me the most important things we communicate, are lost.  What’s written may be inadvertently miswritten to convey something that was not intended, what’s written gets misconstrued, feelings are hurt and a disagreement arises over something that could have been avoided if the conversation would have happened either in person, by phone or even video chat.  I’ve experienced this in both my personal and professional life and it’s truly uncomfortable and preventable.

Here is how I see the hierarchy of communication starting with the fundamentals and working upward into ancillary modes for communicating.  The fundamentals are those ways to communicate which set the foundation for all communication thereafter.  If you can’t talk to each other in person in a successful manner, it’s less likely you’ll be able to write what you want to convey and not be misinterpreted.  I’ll explain further.

The fundamentals of communication include the ways to communicate in which content or emotions can be conveyed without limits.  So, at the base of fundamentals is in-person conversation.  Nothing trumps this interaction because you can say what you need to say, make eye contact, see the other person’s reaction and hear what they say and how they say it.  If you cannot have good in-person communication with someone the rest of your communication will suffer.  I believe video chatting is a suitable replacement for this provided you have a sufficient internet connection.  It’s talking face to face but not sitting literally across from each other.  I use it in my coaching sessions and find it to be an invaluable tool.

The next level up from this fundamental communication is what I’ll call a secondary fundamental and includes talking on the phone.  This is the only form of communication besides talking in person that allows you to listen to what the other person is saying while also hearing their tone and intonation.  Sorry emoticons just don’t cut it.

The following level is what I’ll call ancillary communication.  You cannot adequately sustain communication with someone just through these means without these first two fundamental levels.  This includes everything else:  writing a letter, IM, e-mail, text, Tweeting, Facebook messages and messaging, etc.  These should only be used when you have a relationship of successfully communicating through these first two channels.  Jokes can come across as jokes, serious tones will be read as such and there is less chance for misinterpretation.  In the beginning of a relationship, these are good tools for handling logistical things such as stating where you are, what time you’re leaving work, that you’re running late, traffic sucks, etc.  

What is unfortunate about society today is that people choose to use ancillary communication at the beginning of a relationship for non-logistical items.  Somehow they seem more convenient but in reality they’re more damaging.  So, the next time you feel the urge to just text someone that you’re having a bad day and need an ear, that you want to date other people, break-up or hold discussions as you get to know each other, all via non-fundamental ways just stop.  Go back to the fundamentals thinking about how that can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and hardship later.  It’s a small investment that will pay off big long-term.

How Relationships Change

Whether dealing with friendships, a romantic relationship or your family one thing is certain, relationships change.  Sometimes they change for the better.  You find a renewed sense of love within the relationship and that love strengthens it.  You may find support from someone when you lease expect it and you may be pleasantly surprised with how much others care when you thought you were alone.  I have seen relationships in my own life grow and change for the better.  I’m closer to some people than I’ve ever been, have found myself giving to people who I never thought needed me and have loved with a new passion that was once lost.  To give and receive in your relationships allows for them to flourish and grow.

Other times your relationships turn for the worst.  Maybe communication breaks down, you don’t feel heard or understood, or you don’t have the same expectations as the other person.   Maybe pain within the relationship was far too much to bear.  Sometimes, one person just takes from the other, which is draining.  Other times, both parties just come to an impasse and aren’t sure how to move forward so it just stops altogether. 

A relationship you start is never going to be the same throughout the course of it.  You have to be willing to let it change for better or for worse because we cannot control how the relationship evolves, only our reaction to what happens within it.   We all change and will continue to through our lives.  Be sure you keep those positive relationships in your life and terminate those that are no longer good for you.

Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  

There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  

If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.

Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.

If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.

Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.