Thinking You Know What You Want Vs. Really Knowing What You Want

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact."  


What I find in working with clients is that they think they already know exactly what they want and sometimes, this creates a little skepticism within my client on exactly how I'm going to be able to help them.  For example, as we discuss what it is they want from a relationship versus what they had or have in a relationship, we really begin to see what it is they truly want and what they need to get it.  I tend to notice this before my clients.  This is because I'm coming from an objective perspective, with no motive except to help my client find what it is they want.  I do not tell them, "Hey, do you know you just said what you want?" because in most cases, they're not finished working through what is happening to them right now.  They still need to talk about their pain, frustrations, or transgressions in order to see what they really want.  I don't want to interrupt that exploration process for my clients and this is a huge difference between what I do and what a therapist, consultant or other coaches may do.  I exhibit patience that allows you the freedom to speak and be heard and help you come to substantiated conclusions.

Part Two: Fundamentals for Creating a Merry "Marriage"

So, the first part of my series on a Merry Marriage was focused on dealing with holiday stress.  That is such a small portion of the year, I wanted to provide you with tips on how to maintain happiness in your marriage or really, in any romantic relationship you may find yourself in.  If you exhibit great behaviors while you’re dating, it only helps success in your relationship and marriage as it grows.  Being married is not the time to become a responsible partner.

I’ve always thought about a romantic relationship as a seed.  You choose to put it in the ground together and care for it from there.  With proper care, it grows, blossoms and matures.  Some people pull the seed out of the ground before it even had a chance to become anything and others improperly care for it because they’re not sure what to do.  Like it or not, our parents were our relationship role models and sometimes, we learned some things that aren't very productive.  

Some relationships start with the seed in the wrong soil (e.g. getting married or hooking up for the wrong reasons) or by planting it in the wrong season (e.g. advancing a relationship too quickly).  This does not mean the relationship is a total failure.  Failure is not having any success at all.  I have never heard anyone come out of a relationship and not be able to recall at least one good thing about the relationship, at any point.  Even if it’s only one good thing that you carry with you, that is perfectly okay.  We tend to be quite hard on ourselves when it comes to relationship successes and failures.  

For many, success means perfection all of the time and failure means, something, even just one thing, sucks.

There is a huge middle ground there that gets missed.  We cannot expect perfection all of the time nor should one error be cause for relationship dissolution.  However, we often see these types of situations play out.  One argument causes a relationship to falter.  

There is a lot of give and take in a relationship and sometimes one person may be giving or taking more than the other and likely one day, the other person will do the same.  Now, knowing when that balance is exhausted and the relationship is 

one-sided can be a tricky circumstance to navigate on your own but know you don’t have to because I am here to navigate it with you.

Coaching Works! I've Been in Your Shoes...

It's easy for someone to say something works because it's what they do for a living.  One reason I was able to become a life coach was based on the fact that I had success in being coached myself!  I was about 23 when I met with Miriam Drake in St. Louis for coaching.  At the surface level, I wasn't sure what career I wanted to pursue.  In reality,  I knew what I wanted to do but I was just unsure about how to land the job with no direct experience.  So, she coached me through my career options and provided me with some advice and contacts to get me started.  Using the skills gained through coaching, I landed my first ad industry job in Chicago.  From there, I applied the same skills to find jobs in Manhattan and Los Angeles.  Ten years later, I can tell you that if it weren't for my successful coaching experience, I couldn't be here now saying that it's truly quicker, easier and less stressful than trying to do it all on your own.

Having a coaching practice now, being thanked by your clients week after week is truly special, but what makes it worthwhile for me is knowing my clients are creating long-term benefits and skills from our time together.