Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  

There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  

If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.

Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.

If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.

Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

The Most Meaningful Relationships

Last week, the New York Times blog posed the question, “What relationship is most meaningful to you?”

Many people responded with their friends or family being the most meaningful but there was one person who went further than that and said the most meaningful relationship they have is with themselves.  I was happy to see someone was able to point inward in response to this question.

When it comes to identifying the relationship from which all others extends, it is the relationship with our self.  If we do not love our self, believe in our self, overcome our fears, explore what our self needs and what makes our self happy we will look for everyone else to fill these voids.  It is unfair to put that kind of expectation onto anyone else.  Once we have a strong relationship with our self, we can focus on developing strong and meaningful relationships with others.