Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

The Hierarchy of Proper Communication

With so many different methods of communicating available to us through technology, it’s easy to always choose what is most convenient.  This also can make things more complicated in our lives.  It wasn’t that long ago when the telephone, a letter or an in-person conversation were the only means one could get in contact with another person.  If you think back a bit further, telegrams were the e-mail of their time since they could be sent more quickly than by mail.  I once saw an SOS-style telegram of a birth announcement to a new father who was based on a submarine during a war.  All of these methods had pretty equal weight in terms of their ability to communicate important information. 

So, do all forms of communication carry equal weight?  I do not believe so.  Let me rephrase that.  I do believe there are appropriate means for communicating certain items over others.  I also believe many people have adopted an “anything goes” approach.  There is a hierarchy of communication methods I will try to explain.

Lets start with the phone.  Our phones have since turned into mini computers, so we can do more than talk on them if we choose to do so.  We can text, instant message and even e-mail from them in addition to talk on them.  Like a computer, this provides advantages such as flexibility to reach more people faster, ability to respond when available, instant delivery, not having to talk to someone if you don’t want to, and using shorthand to communicate to name a few off of the top of my head.  Because phones are portable and can also be used to talk on, you can use these other non-verbal ways to communicate in places where it may be too loud to talk or require silence (such as a concert, movie, meetings or the library) while saving “minutes”.  

Technology also provides disadvantages such as not being able to hear or see the emotion with which someone speaks, not hearing the tone with which things are typed and not knowing the intent with which someone is writing.  All things non-verbal, which are to me the most important things we communicate, are lost.  What’s written may be inadvertently miswritten to convey something that was not intended, what’s written gets misconstrued, feelings are hurt and a disagreement arises over something that could have been avoided if the conversation would have happened either in person, by phone or even video chat.  I’ve experienced this in both my personal and professional life and it’s truly uncomfortable and preventable.

Here is how I see the hierarchy of communication starting with the fundamentals and working upward into ancillary modes for communicating.  The fundamentals are those ways to communicate which set the foundation for all communication thereafter.  If you can’t talk to each other in person in a successful manner, it’s less likely you’ll be able to write what you want to convey and not be misinterpreted.  I’ll explain further.

The fundamentals of communication include the ways to communicate in which content or emotions can be conveyed without limits.  So, at the base of fundamentals is in-person conversation.  Nothing trumps this interaction because you can say what you need to say, make eye contact, see the other person’s reaction and hear what they say and how they say it.  If you cannot have good in-person communication with someone the rest of your communication will suffer.  I believe video chatting is a suitable replacement for this provided you have a sufficient internet connection.  It’s talking face to face but not sitting literally across from each other.  I use it in my coaching sessions and find it to be an invaluable tool.

The next level up from this fundamental communication is what I’ll call a secondary fundamental and includes talking on the phone.  This is the only form of communication besides talking in person that allows you to listen to what the other person is saying while also hearing their tone and intonation.  Sorry emoticons just don’t cut it.

The following level is what I’ll call ancillary communication.  You cannot adequately sustain communication with someone just through these means without these first two fundamental levels.  This includes everything else:  writing a letter, IM, e-mail, text, Tweeting, Facebook messages and messaging, etc.  These should only be used when you have a relationship of successfully communicating through these first two channels.  Jokes can come across as jokes, serious tones will be read as such and there is less chance for misinterpretation.  In the beginning of a relationship, these are good tools for handling logistical things such as stating where you are, what time you’re leaving work, that you’re running late, traffic sucks, etc.  

What is unfortunate about society today is that people choose to use ancillary communication at the beginning of a relationship for non-logistical items.  Somehow they seem more convenient but in reality they’re more damaging.  So, the next time you feel the urge to just text someone that you’re having a bad day and need an ear, that you want to date other people, break-up or hold discussions as you get to know each other, all via non-fundamental ways just stop.  Go back to the fundamentals thinking about how that can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and hardship later.  It’s a small investment that will pay off big long-term.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.