Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

Are you a social media slut?

There are references to this online but no real definition of it that I could find.  So, this is my attempt to define it, your relationship with social media and help you determine if you’re a social media slut.

I was inspired by this because I had read about an article talking about emotional sluts.  These are people who basically share far too many intimate details with someone who doesn’t want to hear them.  This leaves the listener with some basic options; either walk away or share far less detail back with the slut. Option one makes the listener look like an inconsiderate jerk and option two, in turn causes the slut to share even more information than the listener ever cared to know.  When the listener doesn’t return the favor of details, the slut feels upset and betrayed by “a friendship” that was really never there to begin with.  Emotional vampire is probably another way to look at it.  The slut literally sucks all of the life out of a possible friendship by laying burden after burden down on someone without thinking about the consequences, until it’s too late.  Then the slut feels burned by someone when in reality, the slut just burned themself.

So, back to social media sluts.  These are people who share their every intimate detail with everyone for the sake of highlighting one’s own success to garner praise, failures to garner sympathy and problems that warrant someone else’s fix.  They rarely, if ever, use social media to connect on a personal level because in the end it’s all about them.  This does not apply to just Facebook, but every Digg, Foursquare, Tweet, video post, etc. imaginable.  It’s like someone who used to call you on the phone, talk about themselves for an hour and if you were lucky, maybe ask how you were doing before hanging up.  Then, when they find they’re fired from their job because that crude comment they made about their boss made it’s way back to their boss, a friend de-friends them without a clue as to why or some other mishap happens, they wonder why things like this keep happening to them.  Some things don’t need to be shared.  Some things don’t need to be made public and some people just haven’t learned how to separate detail from intimate detail.  So, if you know of a social media slut, feel free to send this along to them as a small clue to say, “Pssst, this kinda describes you and yes, you’re pretty annoying.  You may want to take a look at what you’re doing before you make your next post.”   Maybe it will help save a relationship with a friend, partner, sibling, co-worker or someone else.  More importantly, it may just save this person from themselves.  

Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  

There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  

If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.

Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.

If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.

Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

The Most Meaningful Relationships

Last week, the New York Times blog posed the question, “What relationship is most meaningful to you?”

Many people responded with their friends or family being the most meaningful but there was one person who went further than that and said the most meaningful relationship they have is with themselves.  I was happy to see someone was able to point inward in response to this question.

When it comes to identifying the relationship from which all others extends, it is the relationship with our self.  If we do not love our self, believe in our self, overcome our fears, explore what our self needs and what makes our self happy we will look for everyone else to fill these voids.  It is unfair to put that kind of expectation onto anyone else.  Once we have a strong relationship with our self, we can focus on developing strong and meaningful relationships with others.  

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

What Exactly Does Settling for a Partner Mean?

There is currently an article in the Atlantic entitled, "Marry Him!" where long-time author Lori Gottlieb discusses why women should be willing to settle for a man who's not perfect.  My initial thought just hearing this was, "honey, you've fooled yourself into thinking that's what you should've done, being all single in your 40's and having a child on your own regretting turning good guys down."

Well, that's a bit true since she writes in the context of raising a family.  She does know she could have had happy relationships with really great guys but pushed them aside when she was younger for the perfect man.  So, what about everyone else?

For those who are single, there is NO such man as the perfect man, or woman.  For those who are or have been married, you know this and may even be reminded of it on a daily basis.  It's never about finding the perfect person, it's finding someone who is perfect for you.  So, what's the definition of settling, here?

Settling is usually thought to be giving up more than you'd like in order to have something, which ultimately is a sacrifice of personal happiness.  Unlike the article, in which Lori Gottlieb is willing to settle for someone with different values, I’m referring to not over-emphasizing the importance of things that really aren't important.  Ultimately, you’re turning away really great people who are genuinely good to you and for you.

I've had wonderful relationships with really great guys but I knew they weren't right for me and told them, "You're a really great guy just not great a for me."  I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand by my side, someone who couldn't put work on hold once in a while and spend time together, or someone who would lie to my face repeatedly when I asked for the truth.   So, I've had my fair share of not settling in my life.  When I was a teen, I'd meet a guy, I'd pick something to dislike (like his shoes or his last name) and decide I'd never date him or give him my number.   I'd kiss a guy and think, "this is over".  I could do that then, because I was a kid!  What did I know about commitment and what having a relationship really entailed?

Unfortunately, many people carry this child-like mentality into adulthood.  They think, "Gosh, he's really sweet and intelligent but he/she... has really ugly shirts, isn't as smart as me, makes less money than I do, eats too fast, moves to slow, doesn't like all of the same things I do, moves to fast, spends too much time with their friends, etc."  If these are all deal-breakers in your mind, I can't change that but I can help you view this mentality differently.

What I can say is that the longer your relationship is, the more important differences become.  You don't HAVE to do everything together and have everything in common.  In fact, you shouldn't!   My point here is that we can't treat partner selection the same way we buy groceries.  Going through the ingredients list and putting something back on the shelf because it has 2mg more sodium than we'd like is going to make for a long grocery trip and using that same type of measurement to relationships is not going to secure you the a great partner.  Understand what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to the relationship.  Maybe it’s values, respect and honesty are what is most important to you.

Shopping for jeans is a better analogy and a bit more like picking a partner.  There are a variety of colors, cuts, styles and brands.  Some are more youthful and as one friend has said, some are more "Grandpa style".  When shopping, you try on many pairs until you find a perfect fit.  Maybe these jeans are a little more expensive than you wanted to pay, maybe they're a little lighter than you wanted.  They could be a brand you've never worn before or they need to be shortened.  You get them anyway because they make you feel good when you put them on.  This is how it should be with your partner.  When you're with them, they make you feel good.  Period.  There is no "but" because all of those other little things don't matter in the grand scheme of the relationship.  

This reminded me of multiple clients of mine who have said, when it comes to a partner, they're really picky.  They have a set list of things that are very important to them, yet they are willing to make exceptions on these items.  I kind of see them as a sliding scale.  If most of the things on the scale are close enough to 10 (with 10 being exactly what you want), one or two items less than say, a six are acceptable.  This isn't just women who face this problem.  The clients I'm referring to here are men of varying ages.  Is this settling?  Absolutely not!  These things are important to you but aren't necessarily deal-breakers.  Here are two things you can do, make a deal-breaker list of things a partner can NEVER do and list what you'd like but don't have to have (mine has always included having blue eyes).  Don't turn someone away if they meet your deal-breaker requirements but don’t fulfill all of your likes.  There's a difference between need and want.