Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

Stopping Your Revolving Door

I hear this a lot from both friends and clients when they’re telling me about an unfortunate situation, “This always happens to me.”  

Why does a situation always happen to someone?  Do they just have bad luck?  Is the world out to get them?  Is there any chance this can be stopped?

Everyone has a difference of opinion on this but I will say that a repeating pattern in your life is the result of you and the circumstances you attract.  You either continue to surround yourself with the people or situations which create the reoccurring event, or react to a behavior in the same manner every time.  You’re bound to end with the same result and question of “why does this keep happening to me?”

I’ll make this really simple.  If I desire a salad for lunch but instead I buy bread, peanut butter and jelly, I’m pretty likely to end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a salad, right?   Our revolving patterns are the same thing!   We ultimately choose what we want.  We have to obtain the tools to create what it is we want.

To make this a bit more life-like, I’ll use an example.  Let’s say when I am hurt by what someone said, I want to listen, talk calmly and express my feelings in a very deliberate, caring way.  However, when I become hurt maybe I walk out of a room at the sound of conflict or shout to get my point across.   I’m choosing to make that PB&J when I really wanted the salad.  Over time, it not only gets tiring for those I'm in conflict with but I get tired of it, too.  When we’re just not sure how to stop falling into the same habits and patterns, we need a nudge out of them.  Some of us are able to do this on our own and some of us just need a little guidance and support to change revolving patterns.

How to Keep a Burnt Dish from Ruining Life

We are taught many skills for dealing with what happens throughout our childhood but we are truly left to fend for ourselves to deal with what happens as adults.  We can modify some of the life lessons we learned in our youth, such as “looking both ways before crossing” as a metaphor for weighing the pros and cons in our life.  Unfortunately, we’re never taught how to deal with anything in our life that has negative effects after we cross the street.  

We learn there is no best way to deal with consequences but to trudge through them, pretend they never happened, face them head on, allow them to rule our life, pray for help or some other mechanism for dealing with them as they occur.  I have always readily expressed my emotions, both positive and negative and often see others struggle to do the same.  Is it that I’m better equipped with tools from my childhood that I’ve been able to translate as an adult?  Maybe.  What I think it could be, as it is for many people, is a fear of facing the fear that manifests these emotions.  When we don’t deal with with them, they burn into our being and they’re hard to remove, like a burnt part of a dish.  

My husband and I cook dinner almost every day.  We’re both readjusting to cooking again on an electric stove and sometimes, a dish will get a little burnt or not cook through enough. The best way to treat these experiences, we’ve learned, is to just admit “this really just sucks,” laugh about it, and readjust how we cook each meal.   

Anger is a great example of a burnt dish.  It is easier to be mad at someone and to be SO mad, you cut them out of your life.  You get mad every time you think about them and that anger just makes you mad!  Think about this.  Are you really coping with the anger you originally had towards this person or are you just covering it up and hopes it just all goes away?  It’s a lot like burning a dish in the oven and then putting a lot of gravy on top to cover it up before your serve it.  Covering a problem or feeling does not make it go away.  You only temporarily forget those burnt pieces until you either taste them or make that dish again, while reminded of how bad you burned it the last time.

One suggestion for how to deal with a burnt dish in your life is to toss the dish out.  Yes, if you’re angry with someone just face the fact you’re angry, state why you’re angry and move on to remake that dish or find something completely new to make instead.  Don’t force people to eat your mistakes and don’t be upset when people don’t want to eat them.