Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

Stopping Your Revolving Door

I hear this a lot from both friends and clients when they’re telling me about an unfortunate situation, “This always happens to me.”  

Why does a situation always happen to someone?  Do they just have bad luck?  Is the world out to get them?  Is there any chance this can be stopped?

Everyone has a difference of opinion on this but I will say that a repeating pattern in your life is the result of you and the circumstances you attract.  You either continue to surround yourself with the people or situations which create the reoccurring event, or react to a behavior in the same manner every time.  You’re bound to end with the same result and question of “why does this keep happening to me?”

I’ll make this really simple.  If I desire a salad for lunch but instead I buy bread, peanut butter and jelly, I’m pretty likely to end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a salad, right?   Our revolving patterns are the same thing!   We ultimately choose what we want.  We have to obtain the tools to create what it is we want.

To make this a bit more life-like, I’ll use an example.  Let’s say when I am hurt by what someone said, I want to listen, talk calmly and express my feelings in a very deliberate, caring way.  However, when I become hurt maybe I walk out of a room at the sound of conflict or shout to get my point across.   I’m choosing to make that PB&J when I really wanted the salad.  Over time, it not only gets tiring for those I'm in conflict with but I get tired of it, too.  When we’re just not sure how to stop falling into the same habits and patterns, we need a nudge out of them.  Some of us are able to do this on our own and some of us just need a little guidance and support to change revolving patterns.

How You Behave Without Power Shouldn't Change When You Do Have It

Living in the desert, rain is a pretty big deal here for many people.  Having lived all but three years of my life in Midwestern/Northeastern climates, the rain actually is a nice reprieve from the many days of hot (and some times blistering) sun.  This is not a jab at you northerners in the dead of winter.  This is pointing out the fact that things just aren’t built to handle the rain here like anywhere else.  I just woke up this morning to more pouring rain (it rarely sprinkles, it’s either on or off).  It poured all evening yesterday, all night and all day Monday and Tuesday.  I figured this could be a rather low-key day since I worked 14 hours yesterday.  Obviously, Mother Nature thought I needed some time off too, since I went to go awaken my computer and nothing happened.  I had just replaced the batteries in my mouse, so I knew they couldn’t be dead already.  I shook it around again.  Nothing.  Turned it over and it was off.  “Hmmm, I wondered.”  I pressed the "on" switch to my keyboard and lights!  “Okay, we’re in business.”  Clicked the mouse again. Nothing.  Tried to restart my computer, nothing.  Tried to turn on my lights.  Nothing.  Ah, no power.  Fantastic. I have no way to use my electric stove, dry my wet clothes in my electric dryer, shower in warm water heated by my electric hot water heater or heat my home with my electric heat pump.  Luckily, I have my iPhone and the 3G network to check e-mails which is pretty much fully charged and an old laptop I had charging over night to at least type documents. 

“So, how could I maintain a sense of power over my life with no power?” I began to wonder.  First, I would write about it, which I’m doing now.  Then, I would devise a plan for how I want to spend my day.  I could take the, “this f#*king sucks, boo hoo for me” approach and try to get as much sympathy as possible from other people or I could take the, “how interesting can I make this day?” perspective.  The first way seemed rather selfish, unproductive and very much like someone who’s just broken up with someone and can’t seem to get over it.  Pitty party is not my style.  I’d find a way to make this day interesting, yet still productive.

It’s 7:30 a.m. right now.  This could be a long one if the power isn’t restored today.  I began to wonder how many of my neighbors are without power, too.  I posted my situation on Facebook.  Surely, a friend will offer us to meet out or even come over for a visit.  I’ve been wanting to book a massage, so maybe today is the day I hit the spa and just ride it out.  If they have a fitness center, I could use the gym, book my massage and take to a mineral bath in one swoop.  That will kill half of the day, easily!  So, that was my plan.  Rather than waste phone battery surfing the web, I broke out the trusty Yellow Pages to find a few spas to call.  Figuring they don’t open until 8:00, I’d give myself 20 minutes to eat a little something and then start calling around.  Well, it’s 8:13 and I have myself booked for a massage and mineral bath at 9:00.  I was just packing up my things to take to the spa and boom, the power came on and the rain has stopped.  I’ve been putting off a massage for months and I guess you could say Mother Nature was telling me to just do it.

How you handle times without power shouldn't change once the power comes back on.  I'll continue to make this an interesting day.  It's starting off great already!

Following Up on My Facebook Post

I posted yesterday that it is said, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”  This leaves many people longing to be tough but is being tough the answer?  I promised to write about this.

Here I am writing a piece about what I believe this phrase means.  Let’s just break this down.  First, I'll discuss the “when the going gets tough” portion.  Unfortunately, more and more people have been finding themselves in a tougher position in the past few years.  I have friends who were laid off over a year ago and not working and others more recently who are trying to find a job.  People who are still working have been put in tougher positions by working more jobs at once, being paid the same, if not less than they were hired for.  People are stressed out because they’re overworked, afraid to take vacation and spend more of their free time trying to catch up from not being home.  Others are stressed because they’re unemployed, trying to find work but no one wants to pay anything for anyone anymore and they end up hopeless (read my piece on how to become hopeful) or worse, depressed.  So, the going has gotten tough according to this popular phrase but who are the tough, where are they going and how are they getting there?

I feel the use of the word “tough” is a bit of a misnomer.  This could mean so many different things to different people.  Tough could be described as big and strong to one person,  mean and violent to another or even strong-willed from someone else’s perspective.  So, which is it?  Using my example of needing to find employment, being big, strong, mean or violent will not get you a job.  Being strong-willed may get you a job but it’s no guarantee.  So now what?  You’re not considered tough?

I believe what the toughness in this phrase is referring to is the resiliency and resourcefulness people exhibit in hard times.  When people can handle a tough time without massive stress and allow stress to help them through the tough time, that is real toughness.  I’ve witnessed this and I’ll provide an example.  

Two people get laid off.  

One completely melts down, can’t believed it happened, is at a loss on what to do next, isn’t sure where to look for work and if he should.  He talks to some people he knows about work but no one he knows is hiring.  He sends some resumes out and doesn’t hear anything.  He spends his days watching TV, stressing out, drinking a little more than usual and worrying about how he’s going to pay his bills.  He and his girlfriend move in together because it seems like the right thing to do in order to cut costs.  He feels like a total loser and just wishes things get better soon.

The other man is initially upset and shaken that this has happened to him.  He knows many other people who have been laid off (and rehired) and reaches out to them to discuss how they coped with and recovered from the situation.  He joins a social group to fill some of his free time and network.  He also moves his gym time to the morning since he doesn’t have to rush off to work and also to connect with a new group of people who may be working out before work.  He spends his free time reading business publications and researching tips on how to land a job in the current economy.  He sends out resumes, follows up and gets a few interviews.  Every bill that comes in motivates him to get off of unemployment insurance.  He knows he will land a new job, it’s just a matter of when.

It’s quite obvious which of these two men is demonstrating resiliency and being resourceful in the stress of being laid off.  It’s also easy to fall into either pattern.  I know both people. The one’s who behave like the second man are now working.  The one’s who act like the first guy are still unemployed trying to figure out what they could do.  They’re not losers and it’s not that they lack toughness, they’re just unsure what to do in their current situation.

When the going gets tough in your life, will the resilient and resourceful part of you get going?

It's Christmas Week: Do You Know Where Your Self Is?

Ah, Christmas week.  The final week of long lines, frantic gift-buying, wrapping, menu planning and detail-making.  Look in the mirror and “knock-knock” on the glass.  Who is there?  Is it the person you want to see?  If not, it may be time for a little change.  If it is the person you want to see, congratulate yourself for successfully managing your self during a time that turns some people into something other than their true self.