How Environment Changes Beliefs

I was thinking back to a relationship I had once, where my boyfriend would constantly point out other people around us and make some type of disparaging comment about them.  At first, I was appalled and ignored what he was saying.  Then I began questioning him as to why he would make such assumptions about someone just based on looking at them.  He didn’t know their story, just like they didn’t know his.  He was often judged and misperceived based on how he looked.  He dressed in a way that didn’t present an immediate positive impression and I wonder if that was because he himself didn’t feel comfortable with what people thought about him, so he played this game with strangers to boost his own confidence.  

As our relationship developed and became serious, I found myself playing along with his game, even though I didn’t agree with it.  The debating and fighting over the principle took a back seat to having a relationship with a guy who was otherwise kind, loving and appreciative of me.  It felt like a small sacrifice until the time came for me to decide whether or not we could be married.  I opted against a lifelong relationship with him and this belittling behavior was a huge basis for my decision.  I could not change this about him and I also wasn’t going to tolerate it for the rest of my life.  His environment of negativity and low self worth was influencing my perception of others and ultimately me, and I was no longer willing to tolerate the toxicity.  

Pay attention to your relationships, both personally and professionally.  Think about whether they force you to fight your beliefs and try to diminish your sense of worth.  It is the people who fight your fundamental beliefs who have an issue with themselves and try to blame you as a result.  

Remember who you are, your strengths, your beliefs and never let your environment change who you are. 

“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
— Robert F. Bennett 

The Negative Shift Needs Realigning

Speaking with a good friend recently, we were both talking about how life has changed for us in many ways.  She is 20 years my senior, recently divorced and starting her own business.  Within the first month of getting her skincare practice up and running, the landlord she was renting space from completely turned on her, forcing her to empty her shop on a Sunday afternoon.  She feared he may become violent, so my husband and I remained on standby.  She will now be running her business from home but that presents the challenges of getting her name out when she has no current clients.

As we talked about her plans, she made some pretty great points as she described her situation:
1. Much of the world has become bitter and insensitive due to economic pressures.
I believe this to be true.  Many people have been forced to do the work of 2+ people to stay employed, straining their bodies, stressing their minds and spiraling into feeling miserable but pretending not to be, day after day.  We will never return to days when work and home are completely separate.  However, people should be returning to points of being able to take a break and step away every now and then.  If people feel unable to do so, this is probably a sign they don't have the right support staff in place to work together and give each other those breaks.  This landlord probably didn't see how my friend was going to be able to help him make money, though she was the one paying for space in his salon.

2. Many people have lost manners and a sense of kindness.
I've seen this prior to the recession and it's just more evident now.  This explains why many businesses are trying to find ways to improve their service, whether it's a hospital working with Disney or someone else trying to work Apple's model, they are trying to bring back the respect for humanity that has continued to dwindle.

3. There is no compromise and approach and tact are missing.
She followed this up with a very valid point, which is that people give someone one label and once they are that label, there is no chance of ever changing it.  Because of number one listed above, people don't have time to get to know someone, understand their strengths, utilize them and build teams that work well together.  Any relationship, working or personal isn't going to be crystalized immediately so assumptions and final impressions should be reserved without initial judgment clouding them.  Also, if impressions aren't positive or aligned with specific outcomes, many people aren't taking the time to discuss them openly and quickly.  They let things build quietly and then the top comes off of the hat.  This is why out of the blue, my friend found herself fearful and having to move out of the space she was renting just a few weeks after moving in.

These negative shifts will find a way to rebalance themselves, especially once we find more stability in the economy.  In the meantime, hang on tight and be prepared for anything.

Honoring Yourself Through Change

Life is full of change.  If your life has been the exact same for an extended period of time, chances are you haven't been making change.  Change does not need to be drastic.  Many people often feel change must be major in order to "make a difference".   It doesn't be.  Change can be as simple as flossing your teeth after every meal instead of once a day, so you avoid cavities at your next dental visit.  That is a simple act that has long-term, positive impact on your health.

When we think about change, it can be uncomfortable and daunting or it can be inspiring and uplifting.  Change is active.  It turns a possibility into a reality.  If one continuously works to make change, that person is likely to grow into making more change.  Change isn't forced upon someone, it's initiated from within.  Sometimes people try to change each other but the fact is we can only change ourselves.

Don't change because someone wants you to.  It will lead to resentment or frustration for all parties involved.  Know who you are, what you stand for and don't succumb to the ideals or standards that others want to hold you to.  Work to put yourself into situations where your standards and ideals are shared among those around you.  This could applies to romantic relationships, working relationships and friendships.  Don't accept anything lesser because it seems like the right thing to do.  Do what is best for you.  This level of commitment to self will influence the commitments you make with everyone else in your life.