Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  

There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  

If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.

Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.

If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.

Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  

So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

The Most Meaningful Relationships

Last week, the New York Times blog posed the question, “What relationship is most meaningful to you?”

Many people responded with their friends or family being the most meaningful but there was one person who went further than that and said the most meaningful relationship they have is with themselves.  I was happy to see someone was able to point inward in response to this question.

When it comes to identifying the relationship from which all others extends, it is the relationship with our self.  If we do not love our self, believe in our self, overcome our fears, explore what our self needs and what makes our self happy we will look for everyone else to fill these voids.  It is unfair to put that kind of expectation onto anyone else.  Once we have a strong relationship with our self, we can focus on developing strong and meaningful relationships with others.  

Life Lessons from Yoga

I used to do yoga at least three days a week during my lunch hour nine years ago when I lived in Chicago.  I thought it was a nice way to stretch and give me some energy for an afternoon of working (I'm a morning person).  At that time, I was really into weight lifting and used yoga as a way to just relax and stretch.  Then I moved to New York and stopped.

I made a pact with myself last year to get back into yoga after spending two three-hour yoga sessions with Pradeep in Palm Springs.  It was fairly life-altering for me as I started to experience the gifts yoga brings to life.  Spending money on classes is not a huge priority as I get my business going, so I joined my long tried and true place for yoga, which costed $89 for 12 months of unlimited usage.  I practice yoga at least twice a week now.

When I started, I could NOT achieve a forward bend without bending my knees.  Today, I gracefully place my palms flat to the ground next to my feet.  Now, yoga for me is a way of life just as weight lifting was for me years ago.  I refuse to lift weights and try to do all of my exercising outdoors.

How I think yoga and my life are intertwined:

I used to do yoga, now I practice it.
It requires effort and faith, falling over and achieving more than you ever thought possible...like in yoga there was a time when I was balancing on my hands with my legs over my shoulders and other times doing balancing poses I'd fall and laugh it off.
I also practice being the best me possible in life.
Each day is a new opportunity to grow and expand who I am, what I know and how I feel.
I choose to stand taller, stronger and confidently.
I listen to myself in terms of how far I will push myself.
No two days are the same and I celebrate that.
I don't overextend myself but I challenge myself enough in my practice to progress.
It allows me to believe and therefore I do.
If I say "I can't" I know I won't.
If I can support the weight of my body, I will be able to support and control myself in my life.
I open myself to receive from the universe.
I offer to the world who I am willingly, gracefully (sometimes!) and with humor.
I send blessings to my enemies (not that I really have any but to people I may feel tension with).
I feel great at the end of each session as I know I will at the end of my life.

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

A Note from A Stranger Whose Heart Has Shattered

Now that I have my own company and am engaged in my own social media, I receive requests to connect from people whom I’ve never met.  If we have common friends/colleagues, I’ll accept but sometimes I receive a request from people with whom I have no connection whatsoever.  I just received one from a man who told me that he has given up on relationships.  I encouraged him to become a fan of my page and/or to subscribe to www.bouncebacktolife.com since it could help his heartache and is also a place where I may be able to communicate with him.

It was 5:00 a.m. when I received this note. I don’t know where this man lives but I know he’s in his late 30’s.  As I was working I started to wonder, “What has this man gone through to completely throw in the towel on having a relationship?”

I’ve just started reading a book on the relationship of self to love, and love to relationships.  It’s highly spiritual and just writing those words does not give those words the justice they deserve.  In the end, if you’ve truly given yourself the freedom to let go of your ego, self is love and no actions are performed by self without love.  To not love is to not be human.  So, is this man incapable of being in touch with his self and ultimately love and therefore not human?

I’ll bring this outside of the context of the book to try to make some sense of it all because it is an uncommon concept to grasp.  When pain is received (intentional or not) by someone we love, it sticks with us by becoming a wound within us.  We can choose to heal that wound or let it scar us for life.  Whether it is something major like a parent who left when we were a child, a sibling who passed, or something a bit less severe like a teacher who ridiculed us or a lover who put us down doesn’t matter.  These were all people we cared for and they hurt us. When you heal the wounds through whatever means work for you, I know and have experienced that when you think of those times when you used to hurt, you will no longer feel the pain.  

However, many people hold on to the pain throughout their lives.  Think of your spirit, your heart, your soul or whatever you want to call it as a beautiful glass vase that is meant to be filled with water, a symbol for love in this analogy.  So each pain you receive becomes a crack in that vase.  Maybe some of the water starts to leak onto the surface it’s sitting on.  Maybe you notice this and repair the crack or you let a little water leak because “it’s not that much anyway”.  As life goes on, your vase cracks in another spot, and another and pretty soon, if you don’t do something to repair these cracks this vase will shatter.   All of the water contained within will spill all over the floor.  

I think that is what has happened to this stranger.  He’s let his vase shatter and now he’s trying to hold on to what little water is left in it’s base.  It is our own responsibility to repair our own cracks in our spirit, to retain the love that was given to each of us when we were brought into this world and to let the love that is bestowed upon us to be collected.  I can only hope he still believes in the love he has left within himself to repair his pain and truly find his happiness.  For without this, he will not be able to have the relationships he so desires.

Do You Bend Over Backwards for Valentine's?

I remember waiting for Valentine’s Day every year as a child.  It was basically an afternoon off from school, which was what any kid would want.  We decorated our little mailboxes in art class the week before, spent evenings at home writing out Valentine’s cards to friends and crushes while feasting on gummy candy hearts and those chalky candy hearts.  Who wouldn’t love that?  There was nothing more exciting than writing out that card to a boy I really liked but didn’t want to give it away.  I’d have to choose the right card so not to sound like I loved him (too serious) but something that hinted that I liked him a little but not too much.  It makes me smile just thinking about those times.  It was so adorable and innocent!

My classmates and I eagerly opened each of the Valentine’s cards we received just hoping to get a return, “I like you too,” message from that special boy.  We even compared our cards!   When I wasn't picked by a boy, I was rather sad but one time I was and it resulted in my first official boyfriend in 5th grade.  It lasted maybe two days until he thought being “boyfriend and girlfriend” was boring.  So, we continued our friendship and our three-point shooting competitions between our basketball practices.

Where did the notion of Valentine’s go wrong?  When did it become all about having to provide some grandiose display of love?  Why couldn’t it just be like when we were kids and to simply say, “Hey, I really like you today, before today and after today?  Why have so many people fallen for the over-priced dinners, flowers, etc.?  

I had a long-time boyfriend who was so into Valentine’s and for any occasion he could write me a love letter, give me flowers and buy me jewelry.  Who wants to slap me know and ask, “Tracy, what the hell is wrong with you?  I’d kill to have a guy like that!”  I love a surprise and thoughtful expressions of love but I don’t like predictable.  That’s just me.  Valentine’s  has become rather predictable; to do as much as we can to outdo any other couple in the world.  I think while trying to fight that predictability, people have tried to outdo themselves over and over again in order to impress their partner and the world.  

This is why Valentine’s Day isn’t for me.  If I received a cute old-school Valentine card with Donald Duck, Superman or whatever character on it that was simply stating something silly like, “You quack me up,” or “I think you’re SUPER” I would be more excited and feel that is more genuine than receiving a diamond necklace courtesy of Kay Jewelers.  So think about what you're offering to your partner for Valentine's and not focus on what you're proving.

To Date or Not To Date A Co-worker? That is the Question!

People find themselves in this predicament at one point or another in their lives.  They’re at work and someone catches their eye.  They chat, they flirt, and over time they discuss going on a date.  If you find yourself interested in dating your co-worker, do you know with certainty what you would do?

There are conflicting arguments about how to handle dating your co-worker.  Some say, “no way” it will just make things awkward if the relationship goes sour.  While others say, “why not?” I’m here all of the time anyway and don’t have enough free time to get out and meet people elsewhere.  Besides, my workplace is FULL of hotties; how could I not date or hook up with a few of them?  

There is no right or wrong answer here.  I know people who met through work, fell in love and got married.  I know people who had disasterous experiences where they were stalked by a heart-broken ex at work.  Talk about not getting any work done!  Others have hid the relationship successfully, while others were found out or were very open with their co-workers that they were indeed dating.

Here are a few things to consider before choosing whether or not to date someone in your workplace:

Know and set your boundaries on what is acceptable to you.  If you do not want anyone to know about your relationship and your partner decides to divulge to a few co-workers, you’ve just created a rumor mill that will in fact be true.

Also evaluate your working relationship.  If someone you like is someone you have to work with on a daily basis, this can make it more difficult for you to separate work life from personal life.  Emotions don’t turn on or off like a faucet and if you’re really into each other everyone around you will notice.  Again, spurring another truthful rumor mill.  This can be extremely difficult if you work in the same department or on the same team.

Evaluate the maturity of the other person.  Just because you’re able to handle a relationship with a co-worker doesn’t mean everyone else is.  There’s nothing worse than a personal issue being turned into a work issue when the two aren’t related.

My personal point of view is to never date your boss.  Why run the risk of being dumped and fired by the same person?

What Exactly Does Settling for a Partner Mean?

There is currently an article in the Atlantic entitled, "Marry Him!" where long-time author Lori Gottlieb discusses why women should be willing to settle for a man who's not perfect.  My initial thought just hearing this was, "honey, you've fooled yourself into thinking that's what you should've done, being all single in your 40's and having a child on your own regretting turning good guys down."

Well, that's a bit true since she writes in the context of raising a family.  She does know she could have had happy relationships with really great guys but pushed them aside when she was younger for the perfect man.  So, what about everyone else?

For those who are single, there is NO such man as the perfect man, or woman.  For those who are or have been married, you know this and may even be reminded of it on a daily basis.  It's never about finding the perfect person, it's finding someone who is perfect for you.  So, what's the definition of settling, here?

Settling is usually thought to be giving up more than you'd like in order to have something, which ultimately is a sacrifice of personal happiness.  Unlike the article, in which Lori Gottlieb is willing to settle for someone with different values, I’m referring to not over-emphasizing the importance of things that really aren't important.  Ultimately, you’re turning away really great people who are genuinely good to you and for you.

I've had wonderful relationships with really great guys but I knew they weren't right for me and told them, "You're a really great guy just not great a for me."  I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand by my side, someone who couldn't put work on hold once in a while and spend time together, or someone who would lie to my face repeatedly when I asked for the truth.   So, I've had my fair share of not settling in my life.  When I was a teen, I'd meet a guy, I'd pick something to dislike (like his shoes or his last name) and decide I'd never date him or give him my number.   I'd kiss a guy and think, "this is over".  I could do that then, because I was a kid!  What did I know about commitment and what having a relationship really entailed?

Unfortunately, many people carry this child-like mentality into adulthood.  They think, "Gosh, he's really sweet and intelligent but he/she... has really ugly shirts, isn't as smart as me, makes less money than I do, eats too fast, moves to slow, doesn't like all of the same things I do, moves to fast, spends too much time with their friends, etc."  If these are all deal-breakers in your mind, I can't change that but I can help you view this mentality differently.

What I can say is that the longer your relationship is, the more important differences become.  You don't HAVE to do everything together and have everything in common.  In fact, you shouldn't!   My point here is that we can't treat partner selection the same way we buy groceries.  Going through the ingredients list and putting something back on the shelf because it has 2mg more sodium than we'd like is going to make for a long grocery trip and using that same type of measurement to relationships is not going to secure you the a great partner.  Understand what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to the relationship.  Maybe it’s values, respect and honesty are what is most important to you.

Shopping for jeans is a better analogy and a bit more like picking a partner.  There are a variety of colors, cuts, styles and brands.  Some are more youthful and as one friend has said, some are more "Grandpa style".  When shopping, you try on many pairs until you find a perfect fit.  Maybe these jeans are a little more expensive than you wanted to pay, maybe they're a little lighter than you wanted.  They could be a brand you've never worn before or they need to be shortened.  You get them anyway because they make you feel good when you put them on.  This is how it should be with your partner.  When you're with them, they make you feel good.  Period.  There is no "but" because all of those other little things don't matter in the grand scheme of the relationship.  

This reminded me of multiple clients of mine who have said, when it comes to a partner, they're really picky.  They have a set list of things that are very important to them, yet they are willing to make exceptions on these items.  I kind of see them as a sliding scale.  If most of the things on the scale are close enough to 10 (with 10 being exactly what you want), one or two items less than say, a six are acceptable.  This isn't just women who face this problem.  The clients I'm referring to here are men of varying ages.  Is this settling?  Absolutely not!  These things are important to you but aren't necessarily deal-breakers.  Here are two things you can do, make a deal-breaker list of things a partner can NEVER do and list what you'd like but don't have to have (mine has always included having blue eyes).  Don't turn someone away if they meet your deal-breaker requirements but don’t fulfill all of your likes.  There's a difference between need and want.

How to Be an Investigator

I follow a variety of fellow Twitterers and was turned on to Byron Katie (@ByronKatie) by a friend of mine.  She has a really great quote which inspires my post today.  

“When you investigate, eventually the dam breaks, and you’re just left with open arms.”  

Now, some people are naturally more self-aware than others.  By this I mean, some people are able to see the good and bad within themselves and are able to cultivate the good and eliminate the bad.  Some people don’t see the bad within themselves so they don’t change it.  By bad, I don’t mean you’re going to murder someone or hit them.  Bad in this instance could be as simple as frequently criticizing your partner, drinking too much after work or not communicating your feelings in your relationships.   

When you begin to investigate why you do the bad things in your life, you begin to uncover some pretty strong feelings within yourself and these feelings are true to who you are.  The damn breaks when you realize that your bad behaviors have hurt those around you (or even yourself!) and you choose to change your behavior.   I see the open arms as a metaphor for forgiveness.  When you know you’ve been in the wrong, you can forgive your self and be forgiven by those you’ve hurt.  If someone chooses not to forgive you, that is their choice.  In the end, we can only be responsible for our own happiness, or own self, our own willingness to investigate, realize and forgive.

Do Not Drive With a Faulty Personal Gas Pedal

I receive AP breaking news straight to my phone, which is a convenient way for me to obtain breaking news while I work.  I’m sure you’re all familiar with the “sticky gas pedals” in Toyotas which resulted in over million cars being recalled.  I was making the bed when I received an alert saying,  “Transportation secretary is advising people stop driving their cars and seek repair.”  If I knew my gas pedal could get stuck, I would be afraid TO drive it, not act like nothing is wrong.

Certainly, some people have no other car to get to and from work, to take their kids to school, etc.  I get that.  But driving your car on a daily basis when a repair is needed is a huge risk.  It’s also similar to how people handle problems, or their personal gas pedal in their life.  Too many other things get in the way of tackling their problem, which leaves them with a pile of stuff on top of the problem instead of fixing it.

It got me to thinking about people, behavior and their thought process for living.

I may be talking to someone and when I begin to tell them what I do, they’re captivated and interested.   Sometimes they even say, “I could TOTALLY use your help.”  These are people who know their personal gas pedal sticks.  Sometimes, these people follow up, call me and we begin to work together.  They’re getting their gas pedal repaired.  Others never call.  They are the people who are driving around through their lives with a sticky personal gas pedal, know this but yet aren’t quite sure now is the time to fix it.  The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get.  Now, your life is not like the real car, where you run the risk of killing someone because your car crashes into someone or something.  Essentially, you are waiting for issues to fix themselves on their own when you know they haven’t been magically fixed in the past.  You’ll find the same things happening to you, you’ll start to believe that’s just how things are and you’ll be further from positive change and happiness in your life.

nudge Knowledge: Take a Little Life Lesson from Nature

I spend one week on myself each month.  I invite in who I want and do what I want with my time.  Sometimes I spend a day working, sometimes I spend it reading and sometimes I spend it rejuvenating my health.  Yesterday was a combination of all three.  I slept in late, worked, read and decided to take a hike.  I decided to hit “The Museum Trail” for those who live in or visit the Coachella Valley, because it starts at the Palm Springs Art Museum.  It has a very quick 850’ elevation gain which will really kick your butt when it’s sunny and warm out.  Yesterday was rather cloudy, so I thought I’d spend my “lunch hour” on a hike.  Now I know you’re not supposed to hike by yourself but this trail has become a pretty common fitness trail for runners and hikers, so there are plenty of other people on the trail with you.  I’ve done this hike about 10 times but this was my first time alone.

As I was climbing, I was admiring the rocky, cacti and brush-filled landscape.  I also noticed how much greener everything appeared as a result of the recent rains.  There were grasses sprouting from rocks and cracks that were never there any other time I’ve hiked through the area.  It got me to thinking about when I lived in the Northeast and how much rain we would receive to maintain green landscapes and how we would water them to maintain that lush look.  I also thought about how unnatural that is.  

The more I compared living here to there, I realized how efficient the desert is at maintaining life without needing a lot from nature.  Our average annual rainfall is only 5.8” inches, yet you will see greenery and life within the mountains in July when temperatures average 107°F.  I then realized there is a lot the desert can teach us about life.  I'll share three of these things with you.

First, it teaches us to be exceedingly efficient with our efforts.  By this I mean the following:  do not expend more energy on something than what is required, do not let others drain your energy from you and enlist others to help you when you don’t have enough energy to do something on your own.  

Secondly, it teaches us not to take more than we need.  Whether it’s income, food, alcohol, exercise, sex or sleep we should be careful not to over indulge ourselves.  We will eventually get to a point where we’ll demand more than what we need when what we require is a re-evaluation of how much we really need.  When we become demanding, we aren’t very likable.  

The third thing the desert can teach us about life is once you have what you need, allot how much you will share with others who are truly in need.  Nature has a way of creating a very beautiful circle of giving and receiving between plants and animals.  A seed carried from one bird can create a new garden miles away.  Be sure that you share who you are and what you know with others.  You’ll find if you’re not greedy and give freely, people will give freely back to you.  Take this little life lesson from nature.

Get Relationship Ready!

Happy February to you!  One month in 2010 has passed and I hope this year has been and continues to be full of love, happiness and success for each of you.


For those of you who are looking for love or friendship this year, you'll want to relationship proof yourself.  It's similar to weatherproofing your home.  There are many ways to do this and I'll provide some tools and tips to do so.  I'll discuss finding the relationships and things that are draining your energy and how to replace them with relationships and things that bring you happiness.  I'll be starting this audio series  in the next few weeks.  I'm just ironing out details on how to get files posted to my website.


If there is a relationship issue, question or idea you'd like to share please e-mail me.  I'd love to be able to provide some real-life examples and of course, your name would never be used!