Part Three: Fundamentals for Maintaining a Merry Marriage

Part’s One and Two of this series can be found in earlier posts.   There you will find that my definition of marriage is not just for the traditional husband and wife but for anyone in a committed relationship.  

With January coming to a close, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  I feel the need to write about a simple fundamental that applies not only to this day but to the rest of the year.  Do not have so many expectations!  I hate hearing stories of the woman who expected to be proposed to on Valentine’s, the man who was expecting his long, lost love to magically reappear, people expecting roses, gifts, candy, cards, romantic dinners and champagne by the fire. What’s wrong with all of this is that you are expecting something and maybe even too much.  If you find Valentine’s Day and the rest of your life filled with wishful thinking, ask yourself these questions:  Do you go through your life with an expectation or do you just enjoy it for what it is?  Do you ever feel pleasantly surprised by your partner or are you constantly disappointed because your expectations aren’t being met?  Many people find themselves in the latter group but think the other person is to blame.  This is incorrect.  Do not expect everything and you’ll be grateful for each and every thing you receive.  

Are You in Love with Not Getting What You Want?

In your relationships, do you give in, concede and just let things be even though you know you don’t want to?  After you agree to something with your partner do you feel exhausted?  Do you ever desire to receive something (sometimes anything!) from your partner but feel that it’s just impossible?  

If any of these sound familiar, you may be in love with not getting what you want.  

When we’re in love with not getting what we want we sacrifice ourselves, sometimes unknowingly, in order to maintain peace and happiness within the relationship.  This may make your partner happy but it’s unlikely to be making you happy.  If you’re not feeling it now, you will eventually.  You will wake up one day and realize your pain.  You’ll find that the attempts to please someone else have been making you miserable.  

This is going to be a tough day but one you can get through.  You’ll be forced to evaluate the relationship and most importantly, your behavior.  You will decide if you want to make yourself in love with getting what you want.  You will decide if you want to remain in the relationship.  You will come to a conclusion that is best for you now, not what’s best for the you who was in love with not getting what you wanted.  

Stopping Your Revolving Door

I hear this a lot from both friends and clients when they’re telling me about an unfortunate situation, “This always happens to me.”  

Why does a situation always happen to someone?  Do they just have bad luck?  Is the world out to get them?  Is there any chance this can be stopped?

Everyone has a difference of opinion on this but I will say that a repeating pattern in your life is the result of you and the circumstances you attract.  You either continue to surround yourself with the people or situations which create the reoccurring event, or react to a behavior in the same manner every time.  You’re bound to end with the same result and question of “why does this keep happening to me?”

I’ll make this really simple.  If I desire a salad for lunch but instead I buy bread, peanut butter and jelly, I’m pretty likely to end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of a salad, right?   Our revolving patterns are the same thing!   We ultimately choose what we want.  We have to obtain the tools to create what it is we want.

To make this a bit more life-like, I’ll use an example.  Let’s say when I am hurt by what someone said, I want to listen, talk calmly and express my feelings in a very deliberate, caring way.  However, when I become hurt maybe I walk out of a room at the sound of conflict or shout to get my point across.   I’m choosing to make that PB&J when I really wanted the salad.  Over time, it not only gets tiring for those I'm in conflict with but I get tired of it, too.  When we’re just not sure how to stop falling into the same habits and patterns, we need a nudge out of them.  Some of us are able to do this on our own and some of us just need a little guidance and support to change revolving patterns.

How You Behave Without Power Shouldn't Change When You Do Have It

Living in the desert, rain is a pretty big deal here for many people.  Having lived all but three years of my life in Midwestern/Northeastern climates, the rain actually is a nice reprieve from the many days of hot (and some times blistering) sun.  This is not a jab at you northerners in the dead of winter.  This is pointing out the fact that things just aren’t built to handle the rain here like anywhere else.  I just woke up this morning to more pouring rain (it rarely sprinkles, it’s either on or off).  It poured all evening yesterday, all night and all day Monday and Tuesday.  I figured this could be a rather low-key day since I worked 14 hours yesterday.  Obviously, Mother Nature thought I needed some time off too, since I went to go awaken my computer and nothing happened.  I had just replaced the batteries in my mouse, so I knew they couldn’t be dead already.  I shook it around again.  Nothing.  Turned it over and it was off.  “Hmmm, I wondered.”  I pressed the "on" switch to my keyboard and lights!  “Okay, we’re in business.”  Clicked the mouse again. Nothing.  Tried to restart my computer, nothing.  Tried to turn on my lights.  Nothing.  Ah, no power.  Fantastic. I have no way to use my electric stove, dry my wet clothes in my electric dryer, shower in warm water heated by my electric hot water heater or heat my home with my electric heat pump.  Luckily, I have my iPhone and the 3G network to check e-mails which is pretty much fully charged and an old laptop I had charging over night to at least type documents. 

“So, how could I maintain a sense of power over my life with no power?” I began to wonder.  First, I would write about it, which I’m doing now.  Then, I would devise a plan for how I want to spend my day.  I could take the, “this f#*king sucks, boo hoo for me” approach and try to get as much sympathy as possible from other people or I could take the, “how interesting can I make this day?” perspective.  The first way seemed rather selfish, unproductive and very much like someone who’s just broken up with someone and can’t seem to get over it.  Pitty party is not my style.  I’d find a way to make this day interesting, yet still productive.

It’s 7:30 a.m. right now.  This could be a long one if the power isn’t restored today.  I began to wonder how many of my neighbors are without power, too.  I posted my situation on Facebook.  Surely, a friend will offer us to meet out or even come over for a visit.  I’ve been wanting to book a massage, so maybe today is the day I hit the spa and just ride it out.  If they have a fitness center, I could use the gym, book my massage and take to a mineral bath in one swoop.  That will kill half of the day, easily!  So, that was my plan.  Rather than waste phone battery surfing the web, I broke out the trusty Yellow Pages to find a few spas to call.  Figuring they don’t open until 8:00, I’d give myself 20 minutes to eat a little something and then start calling around.  Well, it’s 8:13 and I have myself booked for a massage and mineral bath at 9:00.  I was just packing up my things to take to the spa and boom, the power came on and the rain has stopped.  I’ve been putting off a massage for months and I guess you could say Mother Nature was telling me to just do it.

How you handle times without power shouldn't change once the power comes back on.  I'll continue to make this an interesting day.  It's starting off great already!

Following Up on My Facebook Post

I posted yesterday that it is said, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”  This leaves many people longing to be tough but is being tough the answer?  I promised to write about this.

Here I am writing a piece about what I believe this phrase means.  Let’s just break this down.  First, I'll discuss the “when the going gets tough” portion.  Unfortunately, more and more people have been finding themselves in a tougher position in the past few years.  I have friends who were laid off over a year ago and not working and others more recently who are trying to find a job.  People who are still working have been put in tougher positions by working more jobs at once, being paid the same, if not less than they were hired for.  People are stressed out because they’re overworked, afraid to take vacation and spend more of their free time trying to catch up from not being home.  Others are stressed because they’re unemployed, trying to find work but no one wants to pay anything for anyone anymore and they end up hopeless (read my piece on how to become hopeful) or worse, depressed.  So, the going has gotten tough according to this popular phrase but who are the tough, where are they going and how are they getting there?

I feel the use of the word “tough” is a bit of a misnomer.  This could mean so many different things to different people.  Tough could be described as big and strong to one person,  mean and violent to another or even strong-willed from someone else’s perspective.  So, which is it?  Using my example of needing to find employment, being big, strong, mean or violent will not get you a job.  Being strong-willed may get you a job but it’s no guarantee.  So now what?  You’re not considered tough?

I believe what the toughness in this phrase is referring to is the resiliency and resourcefulness people exhibit in hard times.  When people can handle a tough time without massive stress and allow stress to help them through the tough time, that is real toughness.  I’ve witnessed this and I’ll provide an example.  

Two people get laid off.  

One completely melts down, can’t believed it happened, is at a loss on what to do next, isn’t sure where to look for work and if he should.  He talks to some people he knows about work but no one he knows is hiring.  He sends some resumes out and doesn’t hear anything.  He spends his days watching TV, stressing out, drinking a little more than usual and worrying about how he’s going to pay his bills.  He and his girlfriend move in together because it seems like the right thing to do in order to cut costs.  He feels like a total loser and just wishes things get better soon.

The other man is initially upset and shaken that this has happened to him.  He knows many other people who have been laid off (and rehired) and reaches out to them to discuss how they coped with and recovered from the situation.  He joins a social group to fill some of his free time and network.  He also moves his gym time to the morning since he doesn’t have to rush off to work and also to connect with a new group of people who may be working out before work.  He spends his free time reading business publications and researching tips on how to land a job in the current economy.  He sends out resumes, follows up and gets a few interviews.  Every bill that comes in motivates him to get off of unemployment insurance.  He knows he will land a new job, it’s just a matter of when.

It’s quite obvious which of these two men is demonstrating resiliency and being resourceful in the stress of being laid off.  It’s also easy to fall into either pattern.  I know both people. The one’s who behave like the second man are now working.  The one’s who act like the first guy are still unemployed trying to figure out what they could do.  They’re not losers and it’s not that they lack toughness, they’re just unsure what to do in their current situation.

When the going gets tough in your life, will the resilient and resourceful part of you get going?

Thinking You Know What You Want Vs. Really Knowing What You Want

The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact."  


What I find in working with clients is that they think they already know exactly what they want and sometimes, this creates a little skepticism within my client on exactly how I'm going to be able to help them.  For example, as we discuss what it is they want from a relationship versus what they had or have in a relationship, we really begin to see what it is they truly want and what they need to get it.  I tend to notice this before my clients.  This is because I'm coming from an objective perspective, with no motive except to help my client find what it is they want.  I do not tell them, "Hey, do you know you just said what you want?" because in most cases, they're not finished working through what is happening to them right now.  They still need to talk about their pain, frustrations, or transgressions in order to see what they really want.  I don't want to interrupt that exploration process for my clients and this is a huge difference between what I do and what a therapist, consultant or other coaches may do.  I exhibit patience that allows you the freedom to speak and be heard and help you come to substantiated conclusions.

Part Two: Fundamentals for Creating a Merry "Marriage"

So, the first part of my series on a Merry Marriage was focused on dealing with holiday stress.  That is such a small portion of the year, I wanted to provide you with tips on how to maintain happiness in your marriage or really, in any romantic relationship you may find yourself in.  If you exhibit great behaviors while you’re dating, it only helps success in your relationship and marriage as it grows.  Being married is not the time to become a responsible partner.

I’ve always thought about a romantic relationship as a seed.  You choose to put it in the ground together and care for it from there.  With proper care, it grows, blossoms and matures.  Some people pull the seed out of the ground before it even had a chance to become anything and others improperly care for it because they’re not sure what to do.  Like it or not, our parents were our relationship role models and sometimes, we learned some things that aren't very productive.  

Some relationships start with the seed in the wrong soil (e.g. getting married or hooking up for the wrong reasons) or by planting it in the wrong season (e.g. advancing a relationship too quickly).  This does not mean the relationship is a total failure.  Failure is not having any success at all.  I have never heard anyone come out of a relationship and not be able to recall at least one good thing about the relationship, at any point.  Even if it’s only one good thing that you carry with you, that is perfectly okay.  We tend to be quite hard on ourselves when it comes to relationship successes and failures.  

For many, success means perfection all of the time and failure means, something, even just one thing, sucks.

There is a huge middle ground there that gets missed.  We cannot expect perfection all of the time nor should one error be cause for relationship dissolution.  However, we often see these types of situations play out.  One argument causes a relationship to falter.  

There is a lot of give and take in a relationship and sometimes one person may be giving or taking more than the other and likely one day, the other person will do the same.  Now, knowing when that balance is exhausted and the relationship is 

one-sided can be a tricky circumstance to navigate on your own but know you don’t have to because I am here to navigate it with you.

Coaching Works! I've Been in Your Shoes...

It's easy for someone to say something works because it's what they do for a living.  One reason I was able to become a life coach was based on the fact that I had success in being coached myself!  I was about 23 when I met with Miriam Drake in St. Louis for coaching.  At the surface level, I wasn't sure what career I wanted to pursue.  In reality,  I knew what I wanted to do but I was just unsure about how to land the job with no direct experience.  So, she coached me through my career options and provided me with some advice and contacts to get me started.  Using the skills gained through coaching, I landed my first ad industry job in Chicago.  From there, I applied the same skills to find jobs in Manhattan and Los Angeles.  Ten years later, I can tell you that if it weren't for my successful coaching experience, I couldn't be here now saying that it's truly quicker, easier and less stressful than trying to do it all on your own.

Having a coaching practice now, being thanked by your clients week after week is truly special, but what makes it worthwhile for me is knowing my clients are creating long-term benefits and skills from our time together.

Hear Your Fear

It is common to hear people talk about what they’d like to do.  Whether it’s about finding the right job after unemployment, being able to do 20 push-ups at once, move to a new city or ending an unhealthy relationship, all of these things require a commitment.  Within each new commitment we make, we naturally have fears associated with them such as:  “There is too much competition, I am too weak, I’ll be far from my family, I don’t want to be alone.”

These are all legitimate reasons in your mind but reasoning keep you from what you want in life?  Even if you have multiple reasons, it’s likely they all stem from a similar fear within yourself.  

Fears are nasty little hinderances.  They can come from so many different places, too.  Some people may believe they come from a past life, a childhood incident or a major trauma.  Last week I finished reading, The Instinct to Heal by Dr. David Servan-Shreiber and he discussed something quite interesting that many of us don’t think about.  In our daily lives, we hear about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and many of us think this is only relevant to people who have endured a major catastrophe such as 9/11, a serious accident or witnessing some horrid event.  What he goes on to discuss, which I find to be far more interesting, is that all of us live through what he calls “small t” traumas.  These are traumas that aren’t life-threatening but do prohibit us from moving forward in life.  It’s that time you were made fun by your classmates when you got a word wrong reading aloud, a comment your parents made to you about your aptitude as an artist, a significant other who shunned your attempt at a sport, or harsh comments from a boss or co-worker, etc.  These “small t’s” hurt us.  We can read self-help books on how we should feel and deal with these issues but until we face the fears engrained in our brains from small t traumas, we will not be able to progress through our life.  These fears will hold us back.  

Hear your fears and understand the root cause of them.  I can help you do this through coaching and have been trained in very effective techniques which can help eliminate it for good!  

I'm offering a free 30-minute session for the remainder of January!  Sessions can be done by phone, video chat, or in person. Whatever is most convenient.

Dealing with the Plight of Today's Workforce...Before it's Too Late

A study released today by The Conference Board indicates only “45% of respondents are satisfied with their jobs...a sharp decline from 1987, when 61.1% indicated they were satisfied.”  The director of The Conference Board goes on to state a concern for those who are working; that they will continue to grow increasingly unhappy, leading to low productivity.  I believe this is highly probable, if not already happening all around the country.  Productivity and morale will continue to decline as long as people in the workforce evaluate their situation. 

There are far fewer people working to do the jobs of multiple people who have been laid off or if someone did leave willfully, their position was not refilled.  Increased stress, ‘survivor syndrome’, longer working hours, less social time and fun both in and out of the office, combined with less pay and unpaid time off as a “reward” for staying employed would make any individual feel unappreciated, exhausted, stressed and unsatisfied with their job.  I would know.  I've been there and saw it happen as my colleagues felt those who were laid off were luckier than the rest of us who were "stuck" working.

Employers need to realize that the negative position they are trying to avoid by cutting pay, making people work longer, etc. is the actually putting their employees in the exact negative position they wanted to avoid from the start.  If you’re a business owner unsure of what to do to keep your employees smiling and grateful instead of tired and spiteful, or an employee who wants to deal with your stress in a positive way, nudge is here to help.

New Year = Now What?

Sometimes, people get lost in the holidays and don’t recover from them financially or physically until sometime in February or March!  The combination of overindulging with food and drink with family and friends leaves people feeling fat and spending more than they wanted to on gifts, holiday travel, etc. may leave many feeling broke.  Then, we add stress by making resolutions during this chaotic time instead of waiting until the chaos has passed to start fresh.  Trying to enforce progress when you are experiencing regress will not result in success.  Don’t pressure yourself to achieve all you want to accomplish this year into the first few months.  Give yourself time to catch up if you need to.  You can begin making and executing your plans but be sure not to use time as an allowance for procrastination.  This is just one area where nudge can help!

On a personal note, I like to think of the first day of spring as my New Year.  My birthday is the second day of the season which helps.  I use December and January to really set my goals for I want to do for the upcoming year and start nudging myself into the right direction.  That way, when my New Year comes along, I'm already successfully implementing many things that will help me get even closer to achieving my goals.  Realistically, New Year's resolutions should be made in October or November so that come January, you're already implementing your plan, not just starting to create it.