9.27.2010

Life Goal Planning: Step one is to identify.

In response to a request to cover this topic, I want to offer up some initial thoughts on how to create life goals. I’ll offer suggestions up in pieces so that it is easy to do and hopefully will help plan accordingly.

So, what is a life goal?  That is the first question to answer.  For some, that is a career goal. For others, it can mean financial freedom or success, which also vary by person.  For others it can be a fitness goal or to have a romantic relationship by a specific point in time.  Think about what it is you mean when you say life goal.  It could mean all of these things and more!

Once you have identified your goal, it’s time to really think about what it is you specifically want to achieve.  So, if you say, “I want to eliminate debt,” that can mean different things to different people. For one person, it could be paying off a student loan while for another, it could be paying off any debt including mortgage, car payments, credit cards, etc.  Be very specific about what it is you want to achieve and ideally identify the timeframe you would like to achieve it by.

You’re off into the first step in planning your goal!

8.24.2010

Is technology making it harder to meet people?

Tracy and her husband, Jim


When I get asked how I met my husband of 10 years, I answer, “It was totally random.”  I get a look of surprise because it truly was happenstance.  I was walking out of my place of employment to find an event being hosted by the company my husband worked for at the time.  A colleague asked me to join the conversation he was having, so I did.  There I met a variety of people, one of whom is now my husband.  Looking back on that situation, I don’t know if I would’ve met him knowing the way we use technology today.

Let’s imagine that instead of me looking around and catching the attention of my colleague, I was texting on my phone or on a call.  My colleague would’ve noticed I was “busy” and probably would not have invited me to join his conversation – thereby missing my chance to meet my husband.

In just talking to a co-worker about the fact far too many people are spending their time in lines, bars, restaurants, waiting rooms, cars, stores, parks, beaches and streets while on their phones means they’re staring more at a screen than the people around them. 

When was the last time you found yourself in casual conversation with someone randomly because you were in the same place at the same time?  This is how acquaintances, friendships, and relationships come about – by interacting with each other in the environment we’re in.  It’s enjoying the moment and making the most of it. 

Take a week without using your phone other than to actually talk to someone.  Look around you.  Observe and interact with the people you’re sharing a place or experience with.  You may be surprised with who you meet.

5.31.2010

Pets are partners, too

Dealing with loss of any kind can be pretty traumatic.  For me right now, I'm dealing with the loss of one of my beloved cats, Max.  I grew up with cats and have lost them before but this loss has been far more painful for me, which is compounded by a few things.  One, I picked him and his brother out (more like, they picked me) almost 10 years ago.  Two, I learned that they were Maine Coones (if not pure bred, darn close) so they got to be gigantic and took up a lot of space on the couch, on the bed, on the counter, in the tub or wherever else they decided to visit with my husband and I.                                                                              

He would greet me at the door if I'd been gone for one hour, one week or one month with the same cheerful trot and meow.  I'd proceed to ask him how he was, what he had been doing, if he saw birds, if he wanted a treat and I would get at least one, if not more meows in return to each question.  It has been the most difficult pet loss of all because Max and I kind of adopted each other as buddies, while the same happened with his brother Angelo and my husband.

This means that any time I was sick, sad, happy, excited, lonely sleepy and everything in between, Max was there for me.  I was also there for him through vet visits, moves, and hair cuts until the last few weeks of his life, while his health declined rapidly due to a tumor in his intestinal tract.  My husband had to fill in for me during the week while I worked in Los Angeles and came home to see his health failing him on the weekends.  I wanted so badly to be here with him and every night on the phone, he would meow to me to let me know he was still here.

When I returned this past weekend, he looked a bit worse.  After my first day being here, his health declined to the point where I hurt just looking at him try to walk, eat and get comfortable while he occupied his favorite place on the patio.  His once 15-pound body had vanished into eight pounds of pained silent meows and glossed eyes.  He attempted to purr as I held him longer than I was ever allowed to in his life (see photo of his angry face as I held him a few years back).  The tumor occupying his belly wasn't allowing him to obtain nutrients but his calm demeanor allowed him to obtain all of the love and affection I was bestowing on him.

My husband and I took him into the vet to discuss having them board him while we took a pre-planned overnight trip, so they could give him his medicines.   We would instead be told he was so ill they didn't think he would make it through our trip, let alone through the night.  Needless to say, Max left us that day and it was the most pain I've felt in a really long time.  I lost one of my babies.  I'm a cat mom and felt a part of me left when he did.  A day hasn't gone by since without crying and wondering if his brother will enjoy being the only meow of the house.  I hope Angelo chooses to stay with us for many years to come because I need him to be my buddy now and meow back when I talk to him.

4.22.2010

How you treat Earth is a reflection of you


The attached blog talks about why one should treat the environment well and the first reason is that it’s a reflection of your personality.  Here are some things your behavior could be saying.  This is only just to get you thinking.
Do you litter?  Think recycling is stupid?  Stick your gum anywhere but the garbage?  These may signify immaturity, rebelliousness and maybe also laziness.  Not taking time to separate your trash, or walk items to the trash shows you’re either expecting someone else to pick up after you or don’t care what others think.  Not caring about the place you live is unattractive because it ultimately says you don’t care about anyone but yourself.
Do you keep the water on while brushing your teeth?  Hose down your walkway instead of sweeping it?  These may signify disregard for the needs of others or a lack of self-importance.  Thinking that anything you do to help the environment really won’t help is an incorrect assumption.  We are only one person but we can have a huge impact on life and the world.  Think about the life of Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King, Jr. as just two of many examples of a single person doing something far greater than themselves.  Don’t think only about how it impacts you right now but think about how it could impact everyone around you, your children, your nieces and nephews one day when they’re having children of their own.  Water is a precious resource that needs to be treated as such.
Basically, love and respect Earth in a manner in which you’d want to be treated.  Not just today but every day.

4.19.2010

Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).
What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.
Move on if: 
The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.
A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.
Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.
You know cooperation is valued when:
You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.
You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.
You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.
The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.
So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.

4.12.2010

Redefining Relationship Roles

I’m reading a really great book entitled “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which I still haven’t read.  I chose to read her latest book because it deals with her apprehension with getting married a second time.  It’s a great read for anyone who wants to be married or is married for the first, second, third or umpteenth time.  Many of the lessons she imparts are certainly ones I’ve learned in my soon-to-be 10 years of marriage but I believe many of these things are not taught or passed on from others who have happy marriages.  I also think people hide behind the facade of a happy marriage when something drastic is really missing from it.  I highly suggest this read for anyone who wants to understand where their marriage is, has gone wrong or to prevent any misfortune including divorce.  It also gives a nice perspective on how devastating divorce is and reminded me of a previously referenced article on how it’s not all that great for the parties involved.  
I have found it has helped me articulate my own changing definition of marriage and the relationship I maintain with it and how it influences the relationship with my husband.  I certainly do not define it in the same way as I did when I got married and even as recently as a few months ago.  What has stuck with me most of all is something that I had already had conversations about in the past:  marriage, until quite recently, has never been something we choose out of love.  It was often something that chose us due to our familial affiliation, cultural role or functional purpose due to our gender.  
To ask of our spouse to be our confidant, our best friend, our lover, our love and our partner in life is a big responsibility for any one person to live up to.  It is no wonder divorce has prevailed in half of all marriages.  Many of us married under incorrect assumptions of what our marriage should be.  I’m not saying marriage becomes this cold, loveless union but quite the opposite.  It becomes a loving, tender, caring, supportive bond with another individual.   One should consider what love is versus what being in love is.  Love is caring for someone when illness steals away any memories of your spouse knowing who you are.  Love is carrying a frail body from the bathtub to the bed.  Love is reteaching someone to walk or to talk.  It is always supporting, always loving (without conditions) and always being willing to give up some prideful ego in the process.  Love transcends time, location, age, race, sexual orientation and human error.  So when two people marry, somehow they mistake being “in love” as love and when that fades (which it will), they think they can’t be married any longer.  This is why gay marriage is no different than straight marriage.  Marriage has nothing to do with religion, making babies or being in love but it has everything to do with partnership and love.

3.30.2010

Are you a social media slut?

There are references to this online but no real definition of it that I could find.  So, this is my attempt to define it, your relationship with social media and help you determine if you’re a social media slut.
I was inspired by this because I had read about an article talking about emotional sluts.  These are people who basically share far too many intimate details with someone who doesn’t want to hear them.  This leaves the listener with some basic options; either walk away or share far less detail back with the slut. Option one makes the listener look like an inconsiderate jerk and option two, in turn causes the slut to share even more information than the listener ever cared to know.  When the listener doesn’t return the favor of details, the slut feels upset and betrayed by “a friendship” that was really never there to begin with.  Emotional vampire is probably another way to look at it.  The slut literally sucks all of the life out of a possible friendship by laying burden after burden down on someone without thinking about the consequences, until it’s too late.  Then the slut feels burned by someone when in reality, the slut just burned themself.
So, back to social media sluts.  These are people who share their every intimate detail with everyone for the sake of highlighting one’s own success to garner praise, failures to garner sympathy and problems that warrant someone else’s fix.  They rarely, if ever, use social media to connect on a personal level because in the end it’s all about them.  This does not apply to just Facebook, but every Digg, Foursquare, Tweet, video post, etc. imaginable.  It’s like someone who used to call you on the phone, talk about themselves for an hour and if you were lucky, maybe ask how you were doing before hanging up.  Then, when they find they’re fired from their job because that crude comment they made about their boss made it’s way back to their boss, a friend de-friends them without a clue as to why or some other mishap happens, they wonder why things like this keep happening to them.  Some things don’t need to be shared.  Some things don’t need to be made public and some people just haven’t learned how to separate detail from intimate detail.  So, if you know of a social media slut, feel free to send this along to them as a small clue to say, “Pssst, this kinda describes you and yes, you’re pretty annoying.  You may want to take a look at what you’re doing before you make your next post.”   Maybe it will help save a relationship with a friend, partner, sibling, co-worker or someone else.  More importantly, it may just save this person from themselves.  

Reflection: Time away from home

Time away from home is always a good thing.  Taking some time alone for reflection and daily responsibilities allows you a clear perspective on what is important to you in life.  It's a wonderful way to reconnect with your relationship to yourself. I just spent three weeks in Manhattan and thought it would be nice to share my revelations and reminders while I was away from home.
1.  Everything you need is within reach, you have to extend your arms and your field of vision to obtain it
2.  Time alone is healthy
3.  Girl time is special
4.  Singing along to silly songs makes me laugh
5.  Brunch is my favorite meal
6.  I don’t need to eat as much as I think I do
7.  Wine and water are my only beverage requirements
8.  Soup is underrated
9.  I need to wear heels more when going out
10.  I appreciate walking barefoot at home
11.  I am a neat freak
12.  I enjoy a simple meal out as much as a home-cooked one
13.  I love fresh produce and farmer's markets
14.  There is no such thing as sleeping in too late
15.  Yoga and walking are simple ways to stay in shape
16.   I love hiking and playing tennis 
17.  I value blue skies, mountains and sprawling vistas
18.  The west coast suits my personality and my philosophy
19.  I need a balance of work and play to be happy
20.  I can work from anywhere but anywhere doesn't work for me
21.  A good internet connection makes a huge difference
22.  I enjoy saying "good morning" to anyone on the street and receiving a reply
23.  I’m friendly and approachable by nature
24.  My partnership with my husband is a rare gem
25.  Love does conquer all

3.19.2010

The Gift of Great Friends

Growing up, I always thought a great friend was someone you would be friends with for life but that has not proven to be the case.  As I moved, time passed and I evolved, so did other people.  Friends have come and gone through the years but one thing remains certain, nothing beats the valuable people who are in my life now.

I have friends who I met through work, through other friends and my spouse.  I've met people randomly at events and people who were once an acquaintance who are now friends.  Everyone defines their friends differently and I'm glad to have friends of all kinds.  I have friends I rarely see, yet we pick up right where we left off, friends who send spontaneous invitations and friends who I can make long-range plans with.  Friends I only e-mail with or instant message, friends I see in person, friends I talk with for hours by phone, friends I Facebook and friends I vacation with.  Friends who know my every flaw and friends who think I'm flawless.  Friends I laugh with, friends I cry with and friends I laugh until I cry with.  Friends who know me well, friends who know my husband well and those who know us both well enough to share in the triumphs and tribulations of being in a long-term relationship.

For those in my life who are my friends, I thank you for sharing your honesty, your encouragement, your hugs, your stories, fears, successes, bottles of wine, hopes, dreams, vacations, laughter, tears, pain,
home-cooked meals, recommendations, homes, your friends and smiling faces when times have been tough, great and everything in between.

Friends are like flowers, we choose a lovely array for their unique characteristics in hopes of surrounding ourselves with a beautiful garden.

Think about the friends in your life and how they impact you.

3.15.2010

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  
Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  
The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  
I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  
Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.
When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

3.11.2010

Obtaining Greatness

When it comes to your self, do you feel you're as good as it gets or do you believe you can become greater?  I am of the mentality that we are truly never as great as we can be but we can increase greatness if we are able to work through all of the things about our self that aren't so great.  We know our own strengths and weaknesses, yet often we ignore what is wrong and wonder why nothing changes in our life.  Have you tried to improve any of your weaknesses or are you looking for someone to fix them for you?  You can receive help working through your weaknesses and the things you want to change but no one else can do them for you.  When we are able to recognize the weaknesses and the roots of their existence, we are able to begin developing greatness within.  Some people are either too afraid, close minded or maybe lack deeper self awareness on their own to achieve the greatness within themselves.  Obtaining greatness takes faith in the unknown and a willingness to be vulnerable.  Life is about being able to open yourself up to something greater.  What's keeping you from opening yourself up?

3.10.2010

Manifest and Maintain Confidence

This morning, I did a really great yoga session which focused on building the third chakra.  This is associated with building fire and confidence within.  For those who are unfamiliar with chakras, this particular one is centered around the stomach so there were a lot of abdominal exercises involved in addition to some fun balancing poses.  To say I was sweating would be an understatement.  I was drenched.  Within this particular class, what I found interesting is the ability to overcome any fear or obstacle through focus, perseverance and confidence.  
As I drank much needed water afterwards I started to ponder, if we control building our confidence why do we let others interfere and tear it down?
Confidence is a much discussed but not widely taught fundamental to living happily.  I remember a few self-esteem discussions in health class but it centered around eating disorders for us girls.  I didn’t have an eating disorder so therefore, didn’t think I had a confidence issue.  However, a study that Dove conducted back in 2004, I think it was claimed only 2% of women considered themselves beautiful, which is ultimately a result of lack of confidence.  I have to say that I am fortunate to feel I'm in that 2%. Let’s face it, women tend to be competitive with each other and it’s something I never understood or participated in.  I’ve been a keen observer of it and have watched women sabotage other women for their own personal confidence boost.   But I've seen men and women alike sabotage others for personal gain.  So, how do you cultivate confidence within yourself?
There are healthy ways to cultivate confidence without having to inflict hurt or damage onto another person.  Some people master a skill, create a side business or pursue a hobby with vigor.  Yoga is my way of maintaining confidence within myself.  I really take pride in what I achieve in yoga.  Because it’s not competitive, I don’t care what others do and no one can disarm me of my confidence.  In fact, others can only boost it.  Wouldn’t it be great if life were this way, too?  Life can be just like yoga.  Here’s how...
If you have confidence within yourself to partake in your life in the way that best suits you, you will be doing what you love, will not feel threatened by others and will embrace what everyone has to offer within your life.  It will be a truly supportive, happy and fulfilling endeavor just like yoga.   However,  when we lack confidence we aren’t happy, we start to lash out against people, find ways to separate “me from you” and isolate people in our lives to the point that it may make others feel inferior.  In yoga and in life our lack of confidence prohibits us from trying what we long to do and we stop ourselves before trying.   I’ve been able to work around both confident and sabotaging people and can conclude that your confidence is the only thing which will keep you happy, so be careful not to let others strip that from you.  When they try, you can think about what may be causing them to tear you down.  More importantly, celebrate your ability to overcome these outside influences and forces.  Just as in yoga, how you position yourself in life is a result of your efforts.   

3.08.2010

The Positive of Not Missing Something

People talk about what they miss constantly, but on occasion people will talk about things that they do not miss.  When we talk about the things we miss, we’re naturally seeking out a explanation or expressing an emotion.  When we talk about what we don’t miss, we’re validating what is true within ourselves which gets us closer to obtaining what it is we want in our own life.  I’ve had clients discuss what about their ex they don’t miss and it helped them conclude that they were truly over that relationship.  It wasn’t until they really expressed what they didn’t miss that they began to realize without a doubt, that the relationship was over, that they were now happy with where they were personally and that they could move forward happily within their own life with no regret.  It works for anything in your life.  
Take me as an example. I moved away from my home city of Milwaukee in 1998.  I know I would be absolutely miserable living there.  I don’t miss anything about it, to be quite honest besides my family who I love very much.  I was not in love with my home city and by the age of 17 I knew I had to get out.   I would stare at the skyline longing to live in a bigger city.  I never lived downtown which was deemed “unsafe” for so many years growing up, so it didn’t become a natural place for me to go when I visited.  I like to be in the middle of action with the ability to retreat when I need to.  Knowing what I don’t miss has allowed me to find happiness in my own life and make good choices moving forward.  Think about the things in your life that you don’t miss and then reflect upon how those things have contributed to your happiness in your life now.

3.05.2010

Applying Chinese Philosophy to the My Relationships with Cities

I’m from the Midwest so I’m not married to either coast.  I could basically live anywhere and kind find the pros and cons in everything.  This can be kind of annoying for my family and friends who have watched me hop around the country the past 13 years.  To me, it’s fun and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  For those who may not know me well, after college I moved to LA, White Plains (NY), Stamford (CT), St. Louis, Chicago, Jersey City, Newburgh (NY), LA and Palm Springs (CA).  Exhausted?
I’m currently living in the west but no longer along the coastal area of LA but rather in the midst of the desert.  I love the desert for it’s wonderful quality of light, clear blue skies, slow pace, clean air, mineral water, ample amounts of natural vitamin D, locally grown citrus, beautiful mountain vistas, expansive starry arrays at night, ease of getting to the ocean or the ski slopes and guaranteed nice weather 350 days a year.  
So, you may ask why I’m spending at least 21 days in Manhattan when spring has not even sprung.  Well, what I love about Manhattan are the organized chaos, the constant motion and steady pulse of city life, an abundance of things to do, countless people to meet, places to explore and dreams to be fulfilled.   That’s what this place is all about.  I unfortunately, have never lived in Manhattan and only worked within it.  I would stay and visit, come in on weekends or days off but it’s just not the same. I can say with the four days I’ve spent within in so far I finally get it.  I want to live here, too.
Now, this will be sending my friends and family into “uh oh, here we go again,” mode.  Don’t fret.  I’m not moving anything right now.  What I am considering is what I love about each of these geographical areas and how to make them work together.  Walking along the East River, I figured it out.  There is a Yin and Yang to our country that pulls me to both places.
For those who are not very familiar with Chinese philosophy, I’ll explain this to you rather simply as I learned by a Tai Chi instructor.  Yin and Yang energy exist within everything.  Yin energy is calm, wet, clammy and female.  This does not mean it only exists in females because it exists in all of us.  Yang energy is hot, fast, dry and male.  Again, this is within us all.  What happens to us when either energy is out of balance is that we behave in ways which are not productive.  Neither energy is bad or better than the other.  They just are.  They are only bad if one starts to dominate the other because they must remain balanced.
I’ll create an example for illustrative purposes.  Who I am is made of Yin and Yang energy.  If I have too much Yin energy I may become too calm which may lead me to be lethargic, tired and maybe in extreme cases lazy or depressed.  So, I have to rebalance this energy with more Yang energy.  However, if I become to Yang, I may become agitated, short-tempered, and in extreme cases aggressive.  This is why the practice of Tai Chi is so valuable.  It is a natural way to rebalance the energy, or Qi (pronounced chi) within ourselves.
But back to my point which is discussing the Yin and Yang of our country.  I’ve lived a total of seven years on the east coast and a little over three years on the west coast (and for those who didn’t count, I’ve lived in nice places the past 13 years).  My conclusion is that as a whole, the west coast tends to have more Yin energy while the east coast tends to have more Yang energy, taking physical temperatures out of the equation.  When you add them in, the west coast is more balanced with Qi than the east coast, especially if you know Manhattan and think about it when it’s summertime.  So, long story short I love both places because they each help balance my own Qi.  Some people may not understand this but those who know me well probably get it.  I am an on the go person who likes to make things happen.  I can go non-stop for a while (like Manhattan) but then I need to really lay back, relax, recharge and focus on me (like LA/Palm Springs) otherwise my Yang energy kicks in and I start to get cranky.
It’s a pretty cool little discovery and I’m glad I’ve been able to make it.  So now what?  I’ll continue to enjoy my time here in The City and embrace those San Jacinto Mountains when I return to my home.

The Hierarchy of Proper Communication

With so many different methods of communicating available to us through technology, it’s easy to always choose what is most convenient.  This also can make things more complicated in our lives.  It wasn’t that long ago when the telephone, a letter or an in-person conversation were the only means one could get in contact with another person.  If you think back a bit further, telegrams were the e-mail of their time since they could be sent more quickly than by mail.  I once saw an SOS-style telegram of a birth announcement to a new father who was based on a submarine during a war.  All of these methods had pretty equal weight in terms of their ability to communicate important information. 
So, do all forms of communication carry equal weight?  I do not believe so.  Let me rephrase that.  I do believe there are appropriate means for communicating certain items over others.  I also believe many people have adopted an “anything goes” approach.  There is a hierarchy of communication methods I will try to explain.
Lets start with the phone.  Our phones have since turned into mini computers, so we can do more than talk on them if we choose to do so.  We can text, instant message and even e-mail from them in addition to talk on them.  Like a computer, this provides advantages such as flexibility to reach more people faster, ability to respond when available, instant delivery, not having to talk to someone if you don’t want to, and using shorthand to communicate to name a few off of the top of my head.  Because phones are portable and can also be used to talk on, you can use these other non-verbal ways to communicate in places where it may be too loud to talk or require silence (such as a concert, movie, meetings or the library) while saving “minutes”.  
Technology also provides disadvantages such as not being able to hear or see the emotion with which someone speaks, not hearing the tone with which things are typed and not knowing the intent with which someone is writing.  All things non-verbal, which are to me the most important things we communicate, are lost.  What’s written may be inadvertently miswritten to convey something that was not intended, what’s written gets misconstrued, feelings are hurt and a disagreement arises over something that could have been avoided if the conversation would have happened either in person, by phone or even video chat.  I’ve experienced this in both my personal and professional life and it’s truly uncomfortable and preventable.
Here is how I see the hierarchy of communication starting with the fundamentals and working upward into ancillary modes for communicating.  The fundamentals are those ways to communicate which set the foundation for all communication thereafter.  If you can’t talk to each other in person in a successful manner, it’s less likely you’ll be able to write what you want to convey and not be misinterpreted.  I’ll explain further.
The fundamentals of communication include the ways to communicate in which content or emotions can be conveyed without limits.  So, at the base of fundamentals is in-person conversation.  Nothing trumps this interaction because you can say what you need to say, make eye contact, see the other person’s reaction and hear what they say and how they say it.  If you cannot have good in-person communication with someone the rest of your communication will suffer.  I believe video chatting is a suitable replacement for this provided you have a sufficient internet connection.  It’s talking face to face but not sitting literally across from each other.  I use it in my coaching sessions and find it to be an invaluable tool.
The next level up from this fundamental communication is what I’ll call a secondary fundamental and includes talking on the phone.  This is the only form of communication besides talking in person that allows you to listen to what the other person is saying while also hearing their tone and intonation.  Sorry emoticons just don’t cut it.
The following level is what I’ll call ancillary communication.  You cannot adequately sustain communication with someone just through these means without these first two fundamental levels.  This includes everything else:  writing a letter, IM, e-mail, text, Tweeting, Facebook messages and messaging, etc.  These should only be used when you have a relationship of successfully communicating through these first two channels.  Jokes can come across as jokes, serious tones will be read as such and there is less chance for misinterpretation.  In the beginning of a relationship, these are good tools for handling logistical things such as stating where you are, what time you’re leaving work, that you’re running late, traffic sucks, etc.  
What is unfortunate about society today is that people choose to use ancillary communication at the beginning of a relationship for non-logistical items.  Somehow they seem more convenient but in reality they’re more damaging.  So, the next time you feel the urge to just text someone that you’re having a bad day and need an ear, that you want to date other people, break-up or hold discussions as you get to know each other, all via non-fundamental ways just stop.  Go back to the fundamentals thinking about how that can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and hardship later.  It’s a small investment that will pay off big long-term.

3.04.2010

How Relationships Change


Whether dealing with friendships, a romantic relationship or your family one thing is certain, relationships change.  Sometimes they change for the better.  You find a renewed sense of love within the relationship and that love strengthens it.  You may find support from someone when you lease expect it and you may be pleasantly surprised with how much others care when you thought you were alone.  I have seen relationships in my own life grow and change for the better.  I’m closer to some people than I’ve ever been, have found myself giving to people who I never thought needed me and have loved with a new passion that was once lost.  To give and receive in your relationships allows for them to flourish and grow.

Other times your relationships turn for the worst.  Maybe communication breaks down, you don’t feel heard or understood, or you don’t have the same expectations as the other person.   Maybe pain within the relationship was far too much to bear.  Sometimes, one person just takes from the other, which is draining.  Other times, both parties just come to an impasse and aren’t sure how to move forward so it just stops altogether. 

A relationship you start is never going to be the same throughout the course of it.  You have to be willing to let it change for better or for worse because we cannot control how the relationship evolves, only our reaction to what happens within it.   We all change and will continue to through our lives.  Be sure you keep those positive relationships in your life and terminate those that are no longer good for you.

2.26.2010

Are you “Relationship Ready”?

There are those who know when they want a relationship and those who don’t but think they do.  Those of you who are satisfied being single, enjoying that time to yourself and will readily settle down with the right person when that person comes along you are a to be commended!  It takes confidence, self-awareness and honesty to realize when you are truly ready to be in a relationship.  
There are many people walking around wondering where their special someone is and eager (and maybe even over-eager) to find that person.  However, each person they meet just doesn’t live up to their expectations, requirements or needs.  One question to ask yourself is, “are you really ready for a relationship?”  Thinking you are and really being ready are often confused.  
If you find yourself longing for a romantic partner but each person you meet has something wrong with them (e.g. they talk too fast, their left eyebrow needs trimming, they’re too short, they aren’t as stylish as you) the issue may not be with them, it may be with you.  Being picky is one thing but being overly critical is another.
Think about what you require from your partner long-term.  For me some of my requirements include:  someone who makes me laugh, who loves me for who I am, who demonstrates his love for me passionately and wholeheartedly, who is honest, forgiving and growth-oriented, who respects me and allows me to be a better person.  I have about 10 things on my list but they don’t entail fingernail length, eye color and whether he’s fashionable.  There are the “nice to have” items but they don’t make someone a great person and a great partner and therefore can’t be a deal-breaker in my relationship.
If you can focus on the fundamentals of what you need from someone, it’s because you have a strong sense of who you are and what is important to you in your life.
Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

2.22.2010

Up for Debate: Is Porn a Virtual Partner?

I was reading an article published in the UK about how the ease of access to porn is creating low sex relationships.  It mentioned a 40% increase in men who don’t want to have sex with their partners with Internet porn cited as one of the reasons men don’t feel as physically frisky as they used to.  I’m assuming the others are high stress and joblessness.

One time not too long ago, porn was something you had to go out and buy a ticket to see a show, purchase a physical copy of, be it a magazine or video.  It was something secretive, something for men, something you looked at or watched and certainly not something you interacted with because it couldn’t talk back to you.  A collection can now be stored online and out of site and available anywhere you carry a computer or PDA.  It can be ordered in hotel rooms, on phone lines and via iTunes whenever a partner isn’t around.  It can talk back and interact on the computer screen.  
So, for someone who spends a lot of time alone does porn fill the void of a physical partner?  How does porn usage change with the presence of a partner?  How does a couple decide how much is too much?  Can porn coexist in a relationship in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to both partners?  

I have my opinions on the subject as it relates to me and my clients.  I think porn can be healthy and an additive to a relationship.   When it is the only sexual outlet or the only means to sexual satisfaction it can be problematic.  A couple has to decide together what the boundaries and limits are to porn usage within the relationship.  This means they have to be open to discussing what is an embarrassing topic for many, especially men since they tend to be the more frequent users of porn.  

2.19.2010

The Most Meaningful Relationships

Last week, the New York Times blog posed the question, “What relationship is most meaningful to you?”
Many people responded with their friends or family being the most meaningful but there was one person who went further than that and said the most meaningful relationship they have is with themselves.  I was happy to see someone was able to point inward in response to this question.
When it comes to identifying the relationship from which all others extends, it is the relationship with our self.  If we do not love our self, believe in our self, overcome our fears, explore what our self needs and what makes our self happy we will look for everyone else to fill these voids.  It is unfair to put that kind of expectation onto anyone else.  Once we have a strong relationship with our self, we can focus on developing strong and meaningful relationships with others.  

2.17.2010

Life Lessons from Yoga

I used to do yoga at least three days a week during my lunch hour nine years ago when I lived in Chicago.  I thought it was a nice way to stretch and give me some energy for an afternoon of working (I'm a morning person).  At that time, I was really into weight lifting and used yoga as a way to just relax and stretch.  Then I moved to New York and stopped.

I made a pact with myself last year to get back into yoga after spending two three-hour yoga sessions with Pradeep in Palm Springs.  It was fairly life-altering for me as I started to experience the gifts yoga brings to life.  Spending money on classes is not a huge priority as I get my business going, so I joined my long tried and true place for yoga, which costed $89 for 12 months of unlimited usage.  I practice yoga at least twice a week now.

When I started, I could NOT achieve a forward bend without bending my knees.  Today, I gracefully place my palms flat to the ground next to my feet.  Now, yoga for me is a way of life just as weight lifting was for me years ago.  I refuse to lift weights and try to do all of my exercising outdoors.

How I think yoga and my life are intertwined:

I used to do yoga, now I practice it.
It requires effort and faith, falling over and achieving more than you ever thought possible...like in yoga there was a time when I was balancing on my hands with my legs over my shoulders and other times doing balancing poses I'd fall and laugh it off.
I also practice being the best me possible in life.
Each day is a new opportunity to grow and expand who I am, what I know and how I feel.
I choose to stand taller, stronger and confidently.
I listen to myself in terms of how far I will push myself.
No two days are the same and I celebrate that.
I don't overextend myself but I challenge myself enough in my practice to progress.
It allows me to believe and therefore I do.
If I say "I can't" I know I won't.
If I can support the weight of my body, I will be able to support and control myself in my life.
I open myself to receive from the universe.
I offer to the world who I am willingly, gracefully (sometimes!) and with humor.
I send blessings to my enemies (not that I really have any but to people I may feel tension with).
I feel great at the end of each session as I know I will at the end of my life.

Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.

2.12.2010

A Note from A Stranger Whose Heart Has Shattered

Now that I have my own company and am engaged in my own social media, I receive requests to connect from people whom I’ve never met.  If we have common friends/colleagues, I’ll accept but sometimes I receive a request from people with whom I have no connection whatsoever.  I just received one from a man who told me that he has given up on relationships.  I encouraged him to become a fan of my page and/or to subscribe to www.bouncebacktolife.com since it could help his heartache and is also a place where I may be able to communicate with him.

It was 5:00 a.m. when I received this note. I don’t know where this man lives but I know he’s in his late 30’s.  As I was working I started to wonder, “What has this man gone through to completely throw in the towel on having a relationship?”
I’ve just started reading a book on the relationship of self to love, and love to relationships.  It’s highly spiritual and just writing those words does not give those words the justice they deserve.  In the end, if you’ve truly given yourself the freedom to let go of your ego, self is love and no actions are performed by self without love.  To not love is to not be human.  So, is this man incapable of being in touch with his self and ultimately love and therefore not human?
I’ll bring this outside of the context of the book to try to make some sense of it all because it is an uncommon concept to grasp.  When pain is received (intentional or not) by someone we love, it sticks with us by becoming a wound within us.  We can choose to heal that wound or let it scar us for life.  Whether it is something major like a parent who left when we were a child, a sibling who passed, or something a bit less severe like a teacher who ridiculed us or a lover who put us down doesn’t matter.  These were all people we cared for and they hurt us. When you heal the wounds through whatever means work for you, I know and have experienced that when you think of those times when you used to hurt, you will no longer feel the pain.  
However, many people hold on to the pain throughout their lives.  Think of your spirit, your heart, your soul or whatever you want to call it as a beautiful glass vase that is meant to be filled with water, a symbol for love in this analogy.  So each pain you receive becomes a crack in that vase.  Maybe some of the water starts to leak onto the surface it’s sitting on.  Maybe you notice this and repair the crack or you let a little water leak because “it’s not that much anyway”.  As life goes on, your vase cracks in another spot, and another and pretty soon, if you don’t do something to repair these cracks this vase will shatter.   All of the water contained within will spill all over the floor.  
I think that is what has happened to this stranger.  He’s let his vase shatter and now he’s trying to hold on to what little water is left in it’s base.  It is our own responsibility to repair our own cracks in our spirit, to retain the love that was given to each of us when we were brought into this world and to let the love that is bestowed upon us to be collected.  I can only hope he still believes in the love he has left within himself to repair his pain and truly find his happiness.  For without this, he will not be able to have the relationships he so desires.

2.11.2010

Do You Bend Over Backwards for Valentine's?

I remember waiting for Valentine’s Day every year as a child.  It was basically an afternoon off from school, which was what any kid would want.  We decorated our little mailboxes in art class the week before, spent evenings at home writing out Valentine’s cards to friends and crushes while feasting on gummy candy hearts and those chalky candy hearts.  Who wouldn’t love that?  There was nothing more exciting than writing out that card to a boy I really liked but didn’t want to give it away.  I’d have to choose the right card so not to sound like I loved him (too serious) but something that hinted that I liked him a little but not too much.  It makes me smile just thinking about those times.  It was so adorable and innocent!
My classmates and I eagerly opened each of the Valentine’s cards we received just hoping to get a return, “I like you too,” message from that special boy.  We even compared our cards!   When I wasn't picked by a boy, I was rather sad but one time I was and it resulted in my first official boyfriend in 5th grade.  It lasted maybe two days until he thought being “boyfriend and girlfriend” was boring.  So, we continued our friendship and our three-point shooting competitions between our basketball practices.
Where did the notion of Valentine’s go wrong?  When did it become all about having to provide some grandiose display of love?  Why couldn’t it just be like when we were kids and to simply say, “Hey, I really like you today, before today and after today?  Why have so many people fallen for the over-priced dinners, flowers, etc.?  
I had a long-time boyfriend who was so into Valentine’s and for any occasion he could write me a love letter, give me flowers and buy me jewelry.  Who wants to slap me know and ask, “Tracy, what the hell is wrong with you?  I’d kill to have a guy like that!”  I love a surprise and thoughtful expressions of love but I don’t like predictable.  That’s just me.  Valentine’s  has become rather predictable; to do as much as we can to outdo any other couple in the world.  I think while trying to fight that predictability, people have tried to outdo themselves over and over again in order to impress their partner and the world.  
This is why Valentine’s Day isn’t for me.  If I received a cute old-school Valentine card with Donald Duck, Superman or whatever character on it that was simply stating something silly like, “You quack me up,” or “I think you’re SUPER” I would be more excited and feel that is more genuine than receiving a diamond necklace courtesy of Kay Jewelers.  So think about what you're offering to your partner for Valentine's and not focus on what you're proving.

2.08.2010

To Date or Not To Date A Co-worker? That is the Question!

People find themselves in this predicament at one point or another in their lives.  They’re at work and someone catches their eye.  They chat, they flirt, and over time they discuss going on a date.  If you find yourself interested in dating your co-worker, do you know with certainty what you would do?
There are conflicting arguments about how to handle dating your co-worker.  Some say, “no way” it will just make things awkward if the relationship goes sour.  While others say, “why not?” I’m here all of the time anyway and don’t have enough free time to get out and meet people elsewhere.  Besides, my workplace is FULL of hotties; how could I not date or hook up with a few of them?  
There is no right or wrong answer here.  I know people who met through work, fell in love and got married.  I know people who had disasterous experiences where they were stalked by a heart-broken ex at work.  Talk about not getting any work done!  Others have hid the relationship successfully, while others were found out or were very open with their co-workers that they were indeed dating.
Here are a few things to consider before choosing whether or not to date someone in your workplace:
Know and set your boundaries on what is acceptable to you.  If you do not want anyone to know about your relationship and your partner decides to divulge to a few co-workers, you’ve just created a rumor mill that will in fact be true.
Also evaluate your working relationship.  If someone you like is someone you have to work with on a daily basis, this can make it more difficult for you to separate work life from personal life.  Emotions don’t turn on or off like a faucet and if you’re really into each other everyone around you will notice.  Again, spurring another truthful rumor mill.  This can be extremely difficult if you work in the same department or on the same team.
Evaluate the maturity of the other person.  Just because you’re able to handle a relationship with a co-worker doesn’t mean everyone else is.  There’s nothing worse than a personal issue being turned into a work issue when the two aren’t related.
My personal point of view is to never date your boss.  Why run the risk of being dumped and fired by the same person?

2.05.2010

What Exactly Does Settling for a Partner Mean?




There is currently an article in the Atlantic entitled, "Marry Him!" where long-time author Lori Gottlieb discusses why women should be willing to settle for a man who's not perfect.  My initial thought just hearing this was, "honey, you've fooled yourself into thinking that's what you should've done, being all single in your 40's and having a child on your own regretting turning good guys down."
Well, that's a bit true since she writes in the context of raising a family.  She does know she could have had happy relationships with really great guys but pushed them aside when she was younger for the perfect man.  So, what about everyone else?
For those who are single, there is NO such man as the perfect man, or woman.  For those who are or have been married, you know this and may even be reminded of it on a daily basis.  It's never about finding the perfect person, it's finding someone who is perfect for you.  So, what's the definition of settling, here?
Settling is usually thought to be giving up more than you'd like in order to have something, which ultimately is a sacrifice of personal happiness.  Unlike the article, in which Lori Gottlieb is willing to settle for someone with different values, I’m referring to not over-emphasizing the importance of things that really aren't important.  Ultimately, you’re turning away really great people who are genuinely good to you and for you.
I've had wonderful relationships with really great guys but I knew they weren't right for me and told them, "You're a really great guy just not great a for me."  I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand by my side, someone who couldn't put work on hold once in a while and spend time together, or someone who would lie to my face repeatedly when I asked for the truth.   So, I've had my fair share of not settling in my life.  When I was a teen, I'd meet a guy, I'd pick something to dislike (like his shoes or his last name) and decide I'd never date him or give him my number.   I'd kiss a guy and think, "this is over".  I could do that then, because I was a kid!  What did I know about commitment and what having a relationship really entailed?
Unfortunately, many people carry this child-like mentality into adulthood.  They think, "Gosh, he's really sweet and intelligent but he/she... has really ugly shirts, isn't as smart as me, makes less money than I do, eats too fast, moves to slow, doesn't like all of the same things I do, moves to fast, spends too much time with their friends, etc."  If these are all deal-breakers in your mind, I can't change that but I can help you view this mentality differently.
What I can say is that the longer your relationship is, the more important differences become.  You don't HAVE to do everything together and have everything in common.  In fact, you shouldn't!   My point here is that we can't treat partner selection the same way we buy groceries.  Going through the ingredients list and putting something back on the shelf because it has 2mg more sodium than we'd like is going to make for a long grocery trip and using that same type of measurement to relationships is not going to secure you the a great partner.  Understand what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to the relationship.  Maybe it’s values, respect and honesty are what is most important to you.
Shopping for jeans is a better analogy and a bit more like picking a partner.  There are a variety of colors, cuts, styles and brands.  Some are more youthful and as one friend has said, some are more "Grandpa style".  When shopping, you try on many pairs until you find a perfect fit.  Maybe these jeans are a little more expensive than you wanted to pay, maybe they're a little lighter than you wanted.  They could be a brand you've never worn before or they need to be shortened.  You get them anyway because they make you feel good when you put them on.  This is how it should be with your partner.  When you're with them, they make you feel good.  Period.  There is no "but" because all of those other little things don't matter in the grand scheme of the relationship.  
This reminded me of multiple clients of mine who have said, when it comes to a partner, they're really picky.  They have a set list of things that are very important to them, yet they are willing to make exceptions on these items.  I kind of see them as a sliding scale.  If most of the things on the scale are close enough to 10 (with 10 being exactly what you want), one or two items less than say, a six are acceptable.  This isn't just women who face this problem.  The clients I'm referring to here are men of varying ages.  Is this settling?  Absolutely not!  These things are important to you but aren't necessarily deal-breakers.  Here are two things you can do, make a deal-breaker list of things a partner can NEVER do and list what you'd like but don't have to have (mine has always included having blue eyes).  Don't turn someone away if they meet your deal-breaker requirements but don’t fulfill all of your likes.  There's a difference between need and want.
 
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