Are you a social media slut?

There are references to this online but no real definition of it that I could find.  So, this is my attempt to define it, your relationship with social media and help you determine if you’re a social media slut.

I was inspired by this because I had read about an article talking about emotional sluts.  These are people who basically share far too many intimate details with someone who doesn’t want to hear them.  This leaves the listener with some basic options; either walk away or share far less detail back with the slut. Option one makes the listener look like an inconsiderate jerk and option two, in turn causes the slut to share even more information than the listener ever cared to know.  When the listener doesn’t return the favor of details, the slut feels upset and betrayed by “a friendship” that was really never there to begin with.  Emotional vampire is probably another way to look at it.  The slut literally sucks all of the life out of a possible friendship by laying burden after burden down on someone without thinking about the consequences, until it’s too late.  Then the slut feels burned by someone when in reality, the slut just burned themself.

So, back to social media sluts.  These are people who share their every intimate detail with everyone for the sake of highlighting one’s own success to garner praise, failures to garner sympathy and problems that warrant someone else’s fix.  They rarely, if ever, use social media to connect on a personal level because in the end it’s all about them.  This does not apply to just Facebook, but every Digg, Foursquare, Tweet, video post, etc. imaginable.  It’s like someone who used to call you on the phone, talk about themselves for an hour and if you were lucky, maybe ask how you were doing before hanging up.  Then, when they find they’re fired from their job because that crude comment they made about their boss made it’s way back to their boss, a friend de-friends them without a clue as to why or some other mishap happens, they wonder why things like this keep happening to them.  Some things don’t need to be shared.  Some things don’t need to be made public and some people just haven’t learned how to separate detail from intimate detail.  So, if you know of a social media slut, feel free to send this along to them as a small clue to say, “Pssst, this kinda describes you and yes, you’re pretty annoying.  You may want to take a look at what you’re doing before you make your next post.”   Maybe it will help save a relationship with a friend, partner, sibling, co-worker or someone else.  More importantly, it may just save this person from themselves.  

Reflection: Time away from home

Time away from home is always a good thing.  Taking some time alone for reflection and daily responsibilities allows you a clear perspective on what is important to you in life.  It's a wonderful way to reconnect with your relationship to yourself. I just spent three weeks in Manhattan and thought it would be nice to share my revelations and reminders while I was away from home.

1.  Everything you need is within reach, you have to extend your arms and your field of vision to obtain it

2.  Time alone is healthy

3.  Girl time is special

4.  Singing along to silly songs makes me laugh

5.  Brunch is my favorite meal

6.  I don’t need to eat as much as I think I do

7.  Wine and water are my only beverage requirements

8.  Soup is underrated

9.  I need to wear heels more when going out

10.  I appreciate walking barefoot at home

11.  I am a neat freak

12.  I enjoy a simple meal out as much as a home-cooked one

13.  I love fresh produce and farmer's markets

14.  There is no such thing as sleeping in too late

15.  Yoga and walking are simple ways to stay in shape

16.   I love hiking and playing tennis 

17.  I value blue skies, mountains and sprawling vistas

18.  The west coast suits my personality and my philosophy

19.  I need a balance of work and play to be happy

20.  I can work from anywhere but anywhere doesn't work for me

21.  A good internet connection makes a huge difference

22.  I enjoy saying "good morning" to anyone on the street and receiving a reply

23.  I’m friendly and approachable by nature

24.  My partnership with my husband is a rare gem

25.  Love does conquer all

The Gift of Great Friends

Growing up, I always thought a great friend was someone you would be friends with for life but that has not proven to be the case.  As I moved, time passed and I evolved, so did other people.  Friends have come and gone through the years but one thing remains certain, nothing beats the valuable people who are in my life now.

I have friends who I met through work, through other friends and my spouse.  I've met people randomly at events and people who were once an acquaintance who are now friends.  Everyone defines their friends differently and I'm glad to have friends of all kinds.  I have friends I rarely see, yet we pick up right where we left off, friends who send spontaneous invitations and friends who I can make long-range plans with.  Friends I only e-mail with or instant message, friends I see in person, friends I talk with for hours by phone, friends I Facebook and friends I vacation with.  Friends who know my every flaw and friends who think I'm flawless.  Friends I laugh with, friends I cry with and friends I laugh until I cry with.  Friends who know me well, friends who know my husband well and those who know us both well enough to share in the triumphs and tribulations of being in a long-term relationship.

For those in my life who are my friends, I thank you for sharing your honesty, your encouragement, your hugs, your stories, fears, successes, bottles of wine, hopes, dreams, vacations, laughter, tears, pain,
home-cooked meals, recommendations, homes, your friends and smiling faces when times have been tough, great and everything in between.

Friends are like flowers, we choose a lovely array for their unique characteristics in hopes of surrounding ourselves with a beautiful garden.

Think about the friends in your life and how they impact you.

Proper Communication Skills: It Takes Two

As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.  There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress.  Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.  

Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you.  Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said.  It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said.  Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively.  Then a disagreement begins.  

The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well.  It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean.  I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings.  Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.  

I’ll tell a story to demonstrate.  Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters.  She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work.  To say her days are busy is an understatement.  Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.  

Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school.  He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to.  He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door.  He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry.  She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed.  She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him.  He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home.  If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids.  If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her.  Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine.  If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.

When you feel something, express it for what it is.  Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation.  When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them.  It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.

Obtaining Greatness

When it comes to your self, do you feel you're as good as it gets or do you believe you can become greater?  I am of the mentality that we are truly never as great as we can be but we can increase greatness if we are able to work through all of the things about our self that aren't so great.  We know our own strengths and weaknesses, yet often we ignore what is wrong and wonder why nothing changes in our life.  Have you tried to improve any of your weaknesses or are you looking for someone to fix them for you?  You can receive help working through your weaknesses and the things you want to change but no one else can do them for you.  When we are able to recognize the weaknesses and the roots of their existence, we are able to begin developing greatness within.  Some people are either too afraid, close minded or maybe lack deeper self awareness on their own to achieve the greatness within themselves.  Obtaining greatness takes faith in the unknown and a willingness to be vulnerable.  Life is about being able to open yourself up to something greater.  What's keeping you from opening yourself up?

Manifest and Maintain Confidence

This morning, I did a really great yoga session which focused on building the third chakra.  This is associated with building fire and confidence within.  For those who are unfamiliar with chakras, this particular one is centered around the stomach so there were a lot of abdominal exercises involved in addition to some fun balancing poses.  To say I was sweating would be an understatement.  I was drenched.  Within this particular class, what I found interesting is the ability to overcome any fear or obstacle through focus, perseverance and confidence.  

As I drank much needed water afterwards I started to ponder, if we control building our confidence why do we let others interfere and tear it down?

Confidence is a much discussed but not widely taught fundamental to living happily.  I remember a few self-esteem discussions in health class but it centered around eating disorders for us girls.  I didn’t have an eating disorder so therefore, didn’t think I had a confidence issue.  However, a study that Dove conducted back in 2004, I think it was claimed only 2% of women considered themselves beautiful, which is ultimately a result of lack of confidence.  I have to say that I am fortunate to feel I'm in that 2%. Let’s face it, women tend to be competitive with each other and it’s something I never understood or participated in.  I’ve been a keen observer of it and have watched women sabotage other women for their own personal confidence boost.   But I've seen men and women alike sabotage others for personal gain.  So, how do you cultivate confidence within yourself?

There are healthy ways to cultivate confidence without having to inflict hurt or damage onto another person.  Some people master a skill, create a side business or pursue a hobby with vigor.  Yoga is my way of maintaining confidence within myself.  I really take pride in what I achieve in yoga.  Because it’s not competitive, I don’t care what others do and no one can disarm me of my confidence.  In fact, others can only boost it.  Wouldn’t it be great if life were this way, too?  Life can be just like yoga.  Here’s how...

If you have confidence within yourself to partake in your life in the way that best suits you, you will be doing what you love, will not feel threatened by others and will embrace what everyone has to offer within your life.  It will be a truly supportive, happy and fulfilling endeavor just like yoga.   However,  when we lack confidence we aren’t happy, we start to lash out against people, find ways to separate “me from you” and isolate people in our lives to the point that it may make others feel inferior.  In yoga and in life our lack of confidence prohibits us from trying what we long to do and we stop ourselves before trying.   I’ve been able to work around both confident and sabotaging people and can conclude that your confidence is the only thing which will keep you happy, so be careful not to let others strip that from you.  When they try, you can think about what may be causing them to tear you down.  More importantly, celebrate your ability to overcome these outside influences and forces.  Just as in yoga, how you position yourself in life is a result of your efforts.   

The Positive of Not Missing Something

People talk about what they miss constantly, but on occasion people will talk about things that they do not miss.  When we talk about the things we miss, we’re naturally seeking out a explanation or expressing an emotion.  When we talk about what we don’t miss, we’re validating what is true within ourselves which gets us closer to obtaining what it is we want in our own life.  I’ve had clients discuss what about their ex they don’t miss and it helped them conclude that they were truly over that relationship.  It wasn’t until they really expressed what they didn’t miss that they began to realize without a doubt, that the relationship was over, that they were now happy with where they were personally and that they could move forward happily within their own life with no regret.  It works for anything in your life.  

Take me as an example. I moved away from my home city of Milwaukee in 1998.  I know I would be absolutely miserable living there.  I don’t miss anything about it, to be quite honest besides my family who I love very much.  I was not in love with my home city and by the age of 17 I knew I had to get out.   I would stare at the skyline longing to live in a bigger city.  I never lived downtown which was deemed “unsafe” for so many years growing up, so it didn’t become a natural place for me to go when I visited.  I like to be in the middle of action with the ability to retreat when I need to.  Knowing what I don’t miss has allowed me to find happiness in my own life and make good choices moving forward.  Think about the things in your life that you don’t miss and then reflect upon how those things have contributed to your happiness in your life now.

Applying Chinese Philosophy to the My Relationships with Cities

I’m from the Midwest so I’m not married to either coast.  I could basically live anywhere and kind find the pros and cons in everything.  This can be kind of annoying for my family and friends who have watched me hop around the country the past 13 years.  To me, it’s fun and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  For those who may not know me well, after college I moved to LA, White Plains (NY), Stamford (CT), St. Louis, Chicago, Jersey City, Newburgh (NY), LA and Palm Springs (CA).  Exhausted?

I’m currently living in the west but no longer along the coastal area of LA but rather in the midst of the desert.  I love the desert for it’s wonderful quality of light, clear blue skies, slow pace, clean air, mineral water, ample amounts of natural vitamin D, locally grown citrus, beautiful mountain vistas, expansive starry arrays at night, ease of getting to the ocean or the ski slopes and guaranteed nice weather 350 days a year.  

So, you may ask why I’m spending at least 21 days in Manhattan when spring has not even sprung.  Well, what I love about Manhattan are the organized chaos, the constant motion and steady pulse of city life, an abundance of things to do, countless people to meet, places to explore and dreams to be fulfilled.   That’s what this place is all about.  I unfortunately, have never lived in Manhattan and only worked within it.  I would stay and visit, come in on weekends or days off but it’s just not the same. I can say with the four days I’ve spent within in so far I finally get it.  I want to live here, too.

Now, this will be sending my friends and family into “uh oh, here we go again,” mode.  Don’t fret.  I’m not moving anything right now.  What I am considering is what I love about each of these geographical areas and how to make them work together.  Walking along the East River, I figured it out.  There is a Yin and Yang to our country that pulls me to both places.

For those who are not very familiar with Chinese philosophy, I’ll explain this to you rather simply as I learned by a Tai Chi instructor.  Yin and Yang energy exist within everything.  Yin energy is calm, wet, clammy and female.  This does not mean it only exists in females because it exists in all of us.  Yang energy is hot, fast, dry and male.  Again, this is within us all.  What happens to us when either energy is out of balance is that we behave in ways which are not productive.  Neither energy is bad or better than the other.  They just are.  They are only bad if one starts to dominate the other because they must remain balanced.

I’ll create an example for illustrative purposes.  Who I am is made of Yin and Yang energy.  If I have too much Yin energy I may become too calm which may lead me to be lethargic, tired and maybe in extreme cases lazy or depressed.  So, I have to rebalance this energy with more Yang energy.  However, if I become to Yang, I may become agitated, short-tempered, and in extreme cases aggressive.  This is why the practice of Tai Chi is so valuable.  It is a natural way to rebalance the energy, or Qi (pronounced chi) within ourselves.

But back to my point which is discussing the Yin and Yang of our country.  I’ve lived a total of seven years on the east coast and a little over three years on the west coast (and for those who didn’t count, I’ve lived in nice places the past 13 years).  My conclusion is that as a whole, the west coast tends to have more Yin energy while the east coast tends to have more Yang energy, taking physical temperatures out of the equation.  When you add them in, the west coast is more balanced with Qi than the east coast, especially if you know Manhattan and think about it when it’s summertime.  So, long story short I love both places because they each help balance my own Qi.  Some people may not understand this but those who know me well probably get it.  I am an on the go person who likes to make things happen.  I can go non-stop for a while (like Manhattan) but then I need to really lay back, relax, recharge and focus on me (like LA/Palm Springs) otherwise my Yang energy kicks in and I start to get cranky.

It’s a pretty cool little discovery and I’m glad I’ve been able to make it.  So now what?  I’ll continue to enjoy my time here in The City and embrace those San Jacinto Mountains when I return to my home.

The Hierarchy of Proper Communication

With so many different methods of communicating available to us through technology, it’s easy to always choose what is most convenient.  This also can make things more complicated in our lives.  It wasn’t that long ago when the telephone, a letter or an in-person conversation were the only means one could get in contact with another person.  If you think back a bit further, telegrams were the e-mail of their time since they could be sent more quickly than by mail.  I once saw an SOS-style telegram of a birth announcement to a new father who was based on a submarine during a war.  All of these methods had pretty equal weight in terms of their ability to communicate important information. 

So, do all forms of communication carry equal weight?  I do not believe so.  Let me rephrase that.  I do believe there are appropriate means for communicating certain items over others.  I also believe many people have adopted an “anything goes” approach.  There is a hierarchy of communication methods I will try to explain.

Lets start with the phone.  Our phones have since turned into mini computers, so we can do more than talk on them if we choose to do so.  We can text, instant message and even e-mail from them in addition to talk on them.  Like a computer, this provides advantages such as flexibility to reach more people faster, ability to respond when available, instant delivery, not having to talk to someone if you don’t want to, and using shorthand to communicate to name a few off of the top of my head.  Because phones are portable and can also be used to talk on, you can use these other non-verbal ways to communicate in places where it may be too loud to talk or require silence (such as a concert, movie, meetings or the library) while saving “minutes”.  

Technology also provides disadvantages such as not being able to hear or see the emotion with which someone speaks, not hearing the tone with which things are typed and not knowing the intent with which someone is writing.  All things non-verbal, which are to me the most important things we communicate, are lost.  What’s written may be inadvertently miswritten to convey something that was not intended, what’s written gets misconstrued, feelings are hurt and a disagreement arises over something that could have been avoided if the conversation would have happened either in person, by phone or even video chat.  I’ve experienced this in both my personal and professional life and it’s truly uncomfortable and preventable.

Here is how I see the hierarchy of communication starting with the fundamentals and working upward into ancillary modes for communicating.  The fundamentals are those ways to communicate which set the foundation for all communication thereafter.  If you can’t talk to each other in person in a successful manner, it’s less likely you’ll be able to write what you want to convey and not be misinterpreted.  I’ll explain further.

The fundamentals of communication include the ways to communicate in which content or emotions can be conveyed without limits.  So, at the base of fundamentals is in-person conversation.  Nothing trumps this interaction because you can say what you need to say, make eye contact, see the other person’s reaction and hear what they say and how they say it.  If you cannot have good in-person communication with someone the rest of your communication will suffer.  I believe video chatting is a suitable replacement for this provided you have a sufficient internet connection.  It’s talking face to face but not sitting literally across from each other.  I use it in my coaching sessions and find it to be an invaluable tool.

The next level up from this fundamental communication is what I’ll call a secondary fundamental and includes talking on the phone.  This is the only form of communication besides talking in person that allows you to listen to what the other person is saying while also hearing their tone and intonation.  Sorry emoticons just don’t cut it.

The following level is what I’ll call ancillary communication.  You cannot adequately sustain communication with someone just through these means without these first two fundamental levels.  This includes everything else:  writing a letter, IM, e-mail, text, Tweeting, Facebook messages and messaging, etc.  These should only be used when you have a relationship of successfully communicating through these first two channels.  Jokes can come across as jokes, serious tones will be read as such and there is less chance for misinterpretation.  In the beginning of a relationship, these are good tools for handling logistical things such as stating where you are, what time you’re leaving work, that you’re running late, traffic sucks, etc.  

What is unfortunate about society today is that people choose to use ancillary communication at the beginning of a relationship for non-logistical items.  Somehow they seem more convenient but in reality they’re more damaging.  So, the next time you feel the urge to just text someone that you’re having a bad day and need an ear, that you want to date other people, break-up or hold discussions as you get to know each other, all via non-fundamental ways just stop.  Go back to the fundamentals thinking about how that can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and hardship later.  It’s a small investment that will pay off big long-term.

How Relationships Change

Whether dealing with friendships, a romantic relationship or your family one thing is certain, relationships change.  Sometimes they change for the better.  You find a renewed sense of love within the relationship and that love strengthens it.  You may find support from someone when you lease expect it and you may be pleasantly surprised with how much others care when you thought you were alone.  I have seen relationships in my own life grow and change for the better.  I’m closer to some people than I’ve ever been, have found myself giving to people who I never thought needed me and have loved with a new passion that was once lost.  To give and receive in your relationships allows for them to flourish and grow.

Other times your relationships turn for the worst.  Maybe communication breaks down, you don’t feel heard or understood, or you don’t have the same expectations as the other person.   Maybe pain within the relationship was far too much to bear.  Sometimes, one person just takes from the other, which is draining.  Other times, both parties just come to an impasse and aren’t sure how to move forward so it just stops altogether. 

A relationship you start is never going to be the same throughout the course of it.  You have to be willing to let it change for better or for worse because we cannot control how the relationship evolves, only our reaction to what happens within it.   We all change and will continue to through our lives.  Be sure you keep those positive relationships in your life and terminate those that are no longer good for you.