Managing cooperation

I’m often asked about the issue of control.  I think it’s because there is a point where we as individuals want to be seen as cooperative and courteous but we wrestle with how much is too much.  My first instinct on this is one can’t be too cooperative or courteous in life.  Just imagine how more pleasant life would be if people were cooperative and courteous a wee bit more often (e.g. the person with 15 items in front of you at the grocery store offers that you go first because you only have two).

What I think people really mean when it comes to issues of control is how much does one person need to give before they feel like they’re getting enough in return.  This varies for each person and for each situation.  Here are a few ways to tell if cooperation is truly valued by the other party and when to move on.

Move on if: 

The person with whom you’ve been cooperative with is never cooperative in return.  That’s a gimme.  Result:  This person is selfish and only wants their way.  Don’t let them have it by giving them what they want.

A person you try to cooperate with changes their mind frequently.  They are not able to commit to what they say.  Result:  You’ll spend up more time than necessary trying to make sense of what they want when they themselves may not even be sure.

Cooperation leads to conflict.  This can happen if either party is finding that the cooperative deal is unfair in some way.  If the conflicted party is unable to see nothing but the negative in it for themselves, it is time to move on.  Result:  They are caught up in the negative and possibly, only their side of the issue.  However, this can be salvageable when someone is willing to see both sides of the conflict, not just their own.

You know cooperation is valued when:

You’re happy around the person you’re cooperating with.  When you don’t feel like running or feel a “pit” in your stomach at the site of them, it’s a pretty good sign your cooperative efforts are working.

You cooperate more often with someone you’ve cooperated with in the past.  It’s a bit of a snowball effect.  Once you have a good, cooperative relationship it only makes your future cooperating together more successful.

You try to cooperate with others but it’s “just not the same”.  That really great cooperative relationship has set the standard for all of your cooperative efforts moving forward.  Your standards may be higher but that doesn’t mean they’re all going to work in the exact same manner.  Cut your other cooperative efforts some slack so they have a chance to also grow into really great cooperative efforts.

The person you cooperate with lets you take over when they’re unavailable.  Whether it’s as simple as putting the finishing touches on a presentation at work or letting your significant other tackle the grocery list without questioning their purchases, being put in charge signifies that person’s trust in you.

So, cooperation can lead to being more controlling when someone is not willing to see the other perspective and always feels their way is the right way.  If they can’t stand firm on their role and every interaction results in conflict make a break and move on.  You’ll find your next cooperative effort to be more rewarding and successful.