Redefining Relationship Roles

I’m reading a really great book entitled “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” which I still haven’t read.  I chose to read her latest book because it deals with her apprehension with getting married a second time.  It’s a great read for anyone who wants to be married or is married for the first, second, third or umpteenth time.  Many of the lessons she imparts are certainly ones I’ve learned in my soon-to-be 10 years of marriage but I believe many of these things are not taught or passed on from others who have happy marriages.  I also think people hide behind the facade of a happy marriage when something drastic is really missing from it.  I highly suggest this read for anyone who wants to understand where their marriage is, has gone wrong or to prevent any misfortune including divorce.  It also gives a nice perspective on how devastating divorce is and reminded me of a previously referenced article on how it’s not all that great for the parties involved.  

I have found it has helped me articulate my own changing definition of marriage and the relationship I maintain with it and how it influences the relationship with my husband.  I certainly do not define it in the same way as I did when I got married and even as recently as a few months ago.  What has stuck with me most of all is something that I had already had conversations about in the past:  marriage, until quite recently, has never been something we choose out of love.  It was often something that chose us due to our familial affiliation, cultural role or functional purpose due to our gender.  

To ask of our spouse to be our confidant, our best friend, our lover, our love and our partner in life is a big responsibility for any one person to live up to.  It is no wonder divorce has prevailed in half of all marriages.  Many of us married under incorrect assumptions of what our marriage should be.  I’m not saying marriage becomes this cold, loveless union but quite the opposite.  It becomes a loving, tender, caring, supportive bond with another individual.   One should consider what love is versus what being in love is.  Love is caring for someone when illness steals away any memories of your spouse knowing who you are.  Love is carrying a frail body from the bathtub to the bed.  Love is reteaching someone to walk or to talk.  It is always supporting, always loving (without conditions) and always being willing to give up some prideful ego in the process.  Love transcends time, location, age, race, sexual orientation and human error.  So when two people marry, somehow they mistake being “in love” as love and when that fades (which it will), they think they can’t be married any longer.  This is why gay marriage is no different than straight marriage.  Marriage has nothing to do with religion, making babies or being in love but it has everything to do with partnership and love.