As I’ve gone through life, my marriage and have heard the relationship woes of others I’ve come to the conclusion that many people are not as good at communicating as they think they are. There are a lot of assumptions made by all of us that amass into unnecessary difficulty and stress. Two skills all of us can never perfect but easily improve are active listening and clearly communicating what we feel.
Active listening is not just about hearing what someone says, nodding your head and then talking to make the other person listen to you. Actively listening is just that; listening and actively reiterating what it was the other person said. It is neither saying what you think they should have said nor twisting what they said, but acknowledging what it is they just said. Sometimes, we say things to mean one thing but they are misinterpreted as another because we weren’t listening actively. Then a disagreement begins.
The second part of communication requires you to know yourself well. It consists of communicating what it is you want to say in a manner that conveys what it is you mean. I know that sounds really simple but it can be quite difficult if you are not in tune with your feelings. Being able to express your feelings takes work as is communicating them with someone who will actively listening to you.
I’ll tell a story to demonstrate. Let’s say we’re dealing with a couple where the husband works and the wife is responsible for all domestic matters. She takes and receives their two kids from school, cooks, cleans, volunteers at the school and also takes responsibility for some of their children’s classmates when their parents are stuck at work. To say her days are busy is an understatement. Between the activities their kids are involved in and her time helping out at the school, her days fly by.
Her husband leaves for work shortly before she takes the kids to school. He often comes home after 10 hours at work tired and a bit cranky because he hasn’t been able to run as much as he used to. He wants to be able to come home, change, run and then grab dinner, but the kids look forward to time with their dad as soon as he is through the door. He hasn’t expressed his desire to run to his wife but often complains that the dinners she is making are too early in the evening for him and often says he’s not hungry. She finds this to be odd, considering the kids need to eat before they do their homework, play and then go to bed. She knows he knows she can’t make dinner later and is frustrated with him. He is using her making dinner too early as a cover for his real desire to run when he gets home. If he could express to his wife that he really wants to come home, take a 30 minute run and then join the family for dinner he would feel less stressed and available to spend time with her and the kids. If she can truly hear his request as a way for him to relax and unwind so that he can really enjoy his family, this should not be something that would upset her. Since they usually eat within 30-45 minutes after he comes home anyway, it would not interfere with their evening routine. If he can’t communicate his desires to her, she’s going to become upset with him, he’s going to feel misunderstood and some type of longer term hurt and frustration will result and ultimately manifest itself as other problems within the relationship.
When you feel something, express it for what it is. Do not try to cover it with another complaint, or describe it in a way that leaves what you say up for interpretation. When someone is expressing what they feel to you, hear the words for what they are and do not try to misinterpret them. It takes these two tools to have productive, healthy and meaningful conversations and relationships with others.
Great article! :-)
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