With so many different methods of communicating available to us through technology, it’s easy to always choose what is most convenient. This also can make things more complicated in our lives. It wasn’t that long ago when the telephone, a letter or an in-person conversation were the only means one could get in contact with another person. If you think back a bit further, telegrams were the e-mail of their time since they could be sent more quickly than by mail. I once saw an SOS-style telegram of a birth announcement to a new father who was based on a submarine during a war. All of these methods had pretty equal weight in terms of their ability to communicate important information.
So, do all forms of communication carry equal weight? I do not believe so. Let me rephrase that. I do believe there are appropriate means for communicating certain items over others. I also believe many people have adopted an “anything goes” approach. There is a hierarchy of communication methods I will try to explain.
Lets start with the phone. Our phones have since turned into mini computers, so we can do more than talk on them if we choose to do so. We can text, instant message and even e-mail from them in addition to talk on them. Like a computer, this provides advantages such as flexibility to reach more people faster, ability to respond when available, instant delivery, not having to talk to someone if you don’t want to, and using shorthand to communicate to name a few off of the top of my head. Because phones are portable and can also be used to talk on, you can use these other non-verbal ways to communicate in places where it may be too loud to talk or require silence (such as a concert, movie, meetings or the library) while saving “minutes”.
Technology also provides disadvantages such as not being able to hear or see the emotion with which someone speaks, not hearing the tone with which things are typed and not knowing the intent with which someone is writing. All things non-verbal, which are to me the most important things we communicate, are lost. What’s written may be inadvertently miswritten to convey something that was not intended, what’s written gets misconstrued, feelings are hurt and a disagreement arises over something that could have been avoided if the conversation would have happened either in person, by phone or even video chat. I’ve experienced this in both my personal and professional life and it’s truly uncomfortable and preventable.
Here is how I see the hierarchy of communication starting with the fundamentals and working upward into ancillary modes for communicating. The fundamentals are those ways to communicate which set the foundation for all communication thereafter. If you can’t talk to each other in person in a successful manner, it’s less likely you’ll be able to write what you want to convey and not be misinterpreted. I’ll explain further.
The fundamentals of communication include the ways to communicate in which content or emotions can be conveyed without limits. So, at the base of fundamentals is in-person conversation. Nothing trumps this interaction because you can say what you need to say, make eye contact, see the other person’s reaction and hear what they say and how they say it. If you cannot have good in-person communication with someone the rest of your communication will suffer. I believe video chatting is a suitable replacement for this provided you have a sufficient internet connection. It’s talking face to face but not sitting literally across from each other. I use it in my coaching sessions and find it to be an invaluable tool.
The next level up from this fundamental communication is what I’ll call a secondary fundamental and includes talking on the phone. This is the only form of communication besides talking in person that allows you to listen to what the other person is saying while also hearing their tone and intonation. Sorry emoticons just don’t cut it.
The following level is what I’ll call ancillary communication. You cannot adequately sustain communication with someone just through these means without these first two fundamental levels. This includes everything else: writing a letter, IM, e-mail, text, Tweeting, Facebook messages and messaging, etc. These should only be used when you have a relationship of successfully communicating through these first two channels. Jokes can come across as jokes, serious tones will be read as such and there is less chance for misinterpretation. In the beginning of a relationship, these are good tools for handling logistical things such as stating where you are, what time you’re leaving work, that you’re running late, traffic sucks, etc.
What is unfortunate about society today is that people choose to use ancillary communication at the beginning of a relationship for non-logistical items. Somehow they seem more convenient but in reality they’re more damaging. So, the next time you feel the urge to just text someone that you’re having a bad day and need an ear, that you want to date other people, break-up or hold discussions as you get to know each other, all via non-fundamental ways just stop. Go back to the fundamentals thinking about how that can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and hardship later. It’s a small investment that will pay off big long-term.
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