Proper Communication: Do you Listen or Interpret?

One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is truly understanding what someone is saying when they speak to you.  When we say something like, "Would you be willing to...?" it can be heard as a demand by the other person.  Then the defenses go up and the disagreement begins.

How is anyone supposed to say anything without feeling like what they say will be misconstrued?

We have to speak with purpose and in a manner that truly expresses what we feel not what the other person should do.  We cannot speak to push someone's buttons, offend, demean, hurt, spite, or anger the other person.  Unfortunately, the more you get to know someone, the easier it is to push those buttons because you know their buttons and pushing them gives you power.  Power provides a false sense of confidence and this is counter-productive to the relationship regardless of how long the relationship has existed.

So, what do you do when you don't know someone so well?  The same thing you would do with someone you've spent your entire life with.  When you speak, talk nonviolently, with compassion, from a place of feeling and understanding.  When someone speaks to you, truly listen to what they are saying and let them speak without interruption.  Do not interpret or layer your perspective on top of the words being spoken.  This is a very difficult skill to learn and to master.  We naturally have feelings and sometimes words twist those feelings in ways we never imagined.  If you want to be a good listener but aren't sure where to start, this is an area where I can help!

I was inspired to write this because when I was out listening to music, I asked a group of strangers next to me if they would be willing to talk a little quieter as I was trying to listen to the music.  After the band took a break, one woman from the party came over to lecture me about how it was very rude of me to ask them to shut up.  The words "shut up" never left my lips and I even asked them if they would be willing to talk softly.  I made no demands of them but yet she felt offended by my words.  A perfect example of what you say and how it's interpreted are not always the same.