What Exactly Does Settling for a Partner Mean?

There is currently an article in the Atlantic entitled, "Marry Him!" where long-time author Lori Gottlieb discusses why women should be willing to settle for a man who's not perfect.  My initial thought just hearing this was, "honey, you've fooled yourself into thinking that's what you should've done, being all single in your 40's and having a child on your own regretting turning good guys down."

Well, that's a bit true since she writes in the context of raising a family.  She does know she could have had happy relationships with really great guys but pushed them aside when she was younger for the perfect man.  So, what about everyone else?

For those who are single, there is NO such man as the perfect man, or woman.  For those who are or have been married, you know this and may even be reminded of it on a daily basis.  It's never about finding the perfect person, it's finding someone who is perfect for you.  So, what's the definition of settling, here?

Settling is usually thought to be giving up more than you'd like in order to have something, which ultimately is a sacrifice of personal happiness.  Unlike the article, in which Lori Gottlieb is willing to settle for someone with different values, I’m referring to not over-emphasizing the importance of things that really aren't important.  Ultimately, you’re turning away really great people who are genuinely good to you and for you.

I've had wonderful relationships with really great guys but I knew they weren't right for me and told them, "You're a really great guy just not great a for me."  I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand by my side, someone who couldn't put work on hold once in a while and spend time together, or someone who would lie to my face repeatedly when I asked for the truth.   So, I've had my fair share of not settling in my life.  When I was a teen, I'd meet a guy, I'd pick something to dislike (like his shoes or his last name) and decide I'd never date him or give him my number.   I'd kiss a guy and think, "this is over".  I could do that then, because I was a kid!  What did I know about commitment and what having a relationship really entailed?

Unfortunately, many people carry this child-like mentality into adulthood.  They think, "Gosh, he's really sweet and intelligent but he/she... has really ugly shirts, isn't as smart as me, makes less money than I do, eats too fast, moves to slow, doesn't like all of the same things I do, moves to fast, spends too much time with their friends, etc."  If these are all deal-breakers in your mind, I can't change that but I can help you view this mentality differently.

What I can say is that the longer your relationship is, the more important differences become.  You don't HAVE to do everything together and have everything in common.  In fact, you shouldn't!   My point here is that we can't treat partner selection the same way we buy groceries.  Going through the ingredients list and putting something back on the shelf because it has 2mg more sodium than we'd like is going to make for a long grocery trip and using that same type of measurement to relationships is not going to secure you the a great partner.  Understand what you are and are not willing to accept when it comes to the relationship.  Maybe it’s values, respect and honesty are what is most important to you.

Shopping for jeans is a better analogy and a bit more like picking a partner.  There are a variety of colors, cuts, styles and brands.  Some are more youthful and as one friend has said, some are more "Grandpa style".  When shopping, you try on many pairs until you find a perfect fit.  Maybe these jeans are a little more expensive than you wanted to pay, maybe they're a little lighter than you wanted.  They could be a brand you've never worn before or they need to be shortened.  You get them anyway because they make you feel good when you put them on.  This is how it should be with your partner.  When you're with them, they make you feel good.  Period.  There is no "but" because all of those other little things don't matter in the grand scheme of the relationship.  

This reminded me of multiple clients of mine who have said, when it comes to a partner, they're really picky.  They have a set list of things that are very important to them, yet they are willing to make exceptions on these items.  I kind of see them as a sliding scale.  If most of the things on the scale are close enough to 10 (with 10 being exactly what you want), one or two items less than say, a six are acceptable.  This isn't just women who face this problem.  The clients I'm referring to here are men of varying ages.  Is this settling?  Absolutely not!  These things are important to you but aren't necessarily deal-breakers.  Here are two things you can do, make a deal-breaker list of things a partner can NEVER do and list what you'd like but don't have to have (mine has always included having blue eyes).  Don't turn someone away if they meet your deal-breaker requirements but don’t fulfill all of your likes.  There's a difference between need and want.